


here comes the sun (little darling)

by you_explode



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Circus, Bottom Harry, Fluff, Friends to Lovers, M/M, Mutual Pining, Recreational Drug Use, mild family estrangement, the existence of circus animals
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-03-23
Updated: 2015-03-23
Packaged: 2018-03-19 05:31:42
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 45,161
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3598203
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/you_explode/pseuds/you_explode
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>louis and liam are a trapeze act who’ve just joined syco circus. despite his best efforts, louis immediately falls head over heels for harry, one of the jugglers with a penchant for glittery pink leotards. but louis’s had issues before with intra-circus dating, so he’s trying his best to ignore his feelings. which is why he’s not at all bothered by harry flirting with everyone but him.</p><p>featuring lots of pining, lots of ot5 friendship, runaway boys reconnecting with their families, harry and louis becoming co-dependent best friends until they figure out they’re in love with each other, liam fancying zayn who’s already dating perrie, and a beatles-themed circus.</p>
            </blockquote>





	here comes the sun (little darling)

**Author's Note:**

> SEVERAL NOTES.
> 
> first, [coastingonthisdream made some absolutely beautiful art for this](http://coastingonthisdream.tumblr.com/tagged/nobodymoves). please go and shower her in love, i cannot believe how gorgeous it is!!! and i need to thank her for being so so lovely and a dream to work with <3 massive massive thanks also go to vera, as always. what would i do without you? never finish or post anything, probably. <3333333
> 
> second, the title is obviously from the beatles song, and if you want something to listen to while reading this, i strongly suggest making a playlist of the beatles discography and beyonce's 2013 album. because that's all this fic is.
> 
> third, a disclaimer. there are animals in this circus. i don't approve of this. i wavered on whether to include them, but ultimately i did. they live in the most humane conditions possible but obviously it's still not really okay. i'm operating on the basis that the circus is rich enough and compassionate enough to treat them better than anyone in the real world probably would. also, it's fanfiction, i'm not an animal expert and i don't claim that anything here is a realistic representation of anything. if you have any concerns or issues with the animals, please let me know. (and obviously i'm open to any issues in general.)
> 
> also, there is a very very brief one-sentence mention of past suicide ideation. it's not serious, so it's not dwelt on.
> 
> ETA - absolute worst timing with posting this :( also just want to disclaim that this is clearly an au version of simon cowell, where he's some sort of rich philanthropist, and doesn't reflect the real simon AT ALL. same for everyone mentioned i guess.

  
 

  
([the circus program/set list](http://i57.tinypic.com/282q2py.jpg)) / ([art by coastingonthisdream](http://36.media.tumblr.com/1deff89eed85cb485c39edd70c799cea/tumblr_nlmr6k4wO31rdwo22o1_500.jpg))

 

 

Louis’s always thought that it’d be Liam’s fault if he died prematurely. That Liam’d miss a cue one day and Louis would fall and break his neck. Now he knows better.

Harry Styles will be the death of him.

He seemed innocuous enough when they first met, in his clown get-up, dimples barely visible through the face-paint. But now, on Louis’s tenth day at Syco Circus, Harry and his juggling partner Cher have stepped out not dressed as clowns but in matching sparkly hot pink and silver genuine goddamn leotards. Harry’s got a tiara perched on top of his long, glittering curls and he’s wearing pink tights and Louis can see his bulge, clear as day, which is fairly inappropriate considering their target audience.

Harry basically looks like a princess, or a ballerina, or _something_ , he’s just as pretty as Cher, and Louis honestly feels faint. And he has to fly through the air in thirty minutes. Fantastic.

“What the fuck am I looking at?” Louis manages to ask Liam, who looks bewildered but not half as gobsmacked as Louis is. “What happened to the adorable little clown from yesterday? Who the fuck is this demon?”

Liam puts an arm around Louis, probably to be comforting, and ends up supporting all of Louis’s weight.

Because Harry Styles starts singing.

It’s a different sort of circus, this one. Simon, the owner, is apparently a massive Beatles fan, so each of the acts perform to a set of specific Beatles songs. Some even sing as well. Harry Styles is one of the latter. So is Cher; they trade off solos with more difficult tricks, like the acrobats, though Louis is impressed with even the simplest juggling whilst singing. He can sing well enough, but he’d never do it while on the trapeze. Luckily that’s not expected of him.

He’d seen Harry and Cher’s act the other day, when they’d been clothed in the much less heart-attack-inducing clown attire. They’d sang Yesterday, Louis remembers due to the aforementioned impressiveness and also because it sounded slightly depressing, along with a few others he hadn’t known. But apparently their setlist has changed as well as their costumes, because they start off with Here Comes The Sun.

Harry’s voice is phenomenal. Louis had thought so last time, as well, but now, coupled with the leotard and one of Louis’s favourite Beatles songs, it’s fucking mind-blowing. Louis leans against Liam and wills himself to not be so attracted.

*

Louis manages to pull himself together and talk down his boner by the time he and Liam perform. Barely. He knows it’s one of their least spectacular performances, but at least he doesn’t drop Liam and he makes all his cues. It doesn’t seem to make a difference to the audience anyway.

The curtain call might be even worse. Syco Circus has a traditional final group number, in which all of the acts sing and/or do tricks to a different Beatles song together every night. They’ve got a schedule; it’s the same songs rotated over a fortnightly period. So far, Louis and Liam have stayed grounded and sang, but during the last act Louis glimpses Harry backstage – in all his glittering, hot pink, flushed-cheeked glory – and doesn’t think he’d be able to share the ring with him without throttling him for looking so attractive.

So he talks Liam into getting up in the air while the others sing Hey Jude, and he’s sufficiently distracted until, as luck would have it, they end up removing their make-up in the same trailer as Harry.

Louis’s an absolute sweaty mess, and Harry’s sitting up on Lou the make-up artist’s counter, swinging his legs and looking entirely too composed. Louis takes a moment to appreciate the injustice of Lou allowing Harry to sit on her precious counter, which she’d swatted Louis away from just a few hours ago, and also the injustice of Harry still wearing his bloody leotard. It’s all the more obscene off stage, somehow, like once you take the performance away he’s just an absurdly fit bloke in skintight lycra, and Louis is having so much trouble functioning that he’s still standing in the doorway, blocking Liam’s way.

Liam’s a good sport about it, for once in his life. He ushers Louis inside, muttering, “One foot in front of the other, there you go,” and actually Louis’s not sure if he’s mocking him, but it’s sound advice and he appreciates it.

Harry’s looking far too pleased with himself for Louis’s liking, so. Right. Remove make-up. Ignore scantily-clad curly-haired demon. Breathe.

The plan doesn’t last long. Louis’s only wiped off half his face – the make-up here at Syco is much more extravagant than their old circus, he and Liam used to go out in nought but foundation on their best days, but here Simon’s got this vision, and Lou Teasdale paints half a starry night on Louis and clouds on Liam and it’s a lot, but it works. Especially because their costumes match – flimsy but loose one-pieces, Louis’s a dark blue dotted with stars and Liam’s a light blue full of clouds. It’s cute, they kind of like it.

Still, the make-up’s a pain to get off, and Louis’s only halfway through when Harry Styles apparently has enough with being ignored and appears beside Louis in the mirror.

Louis makes the mistake of looking at him, and then he drops his wipe, because – god, it’s so much worse close-up. Harry’s just so unashamed, and Louis just wants to get his mouth on every inch of him so badly.

Harry drops down and picks up the wipe in one fluid motion, which may be the most co-ordinated Louis’s ever seen him off-stage – the kid can chuck anything around the air no problem, but have him try to walk normally and he’s like a baby deer – and also really does not help the situation in Louis’s pants. When he’s crouched down, Louis gets a quick glimpse of the small swell of his bum in hot pink lycra, and it’s just – honestly, this whole night is the worst thing that’s ever happened.

When Harry stands, he drops the dirty wipe into the rubbish and pulls out a new one. “Here, let me,” he says, and Louis just nods dumbly. All coherent thought seems to have migrated to his dick.

Harry starts wiping his face, so careful and attentive and gentle, and Louis gets lost in it for a moment. He closes his eyes, and that’s when Harry attacks –

“What d’you think of my costume change?” he asks, voice so quiet and calm like he’s asking something normal.

Louis’s eyes startle open and he stares. Harry’s concentrating on Louis’s skin, looks like, and Louis’s brain flounders around for something to say. Anything.

“Suits you, I suppose,” he says finally, because it does.

Harry beams like this is the compliment of a lifetime. “I’ve been asking Simon for ages to let us change them,” he says. “The clown get-up was fun, but it didn’t appeal to my _soul_ , you know?”

“Not like pink sequins and glitter and showing your dick to an audience of children, anyway,” Louis says, and immediately regrets it; Harry’s face lights up even more.

“You noticed!” he says, clearly delighted.

 _Abort,_ Louis thinks frantically.

“Thanks for the help,” he says with as much cheer as he can gather. There’s still face-paint lingering about his eyebrows and jawline. “I’ll see you around!” Then he spins on his heel and grabs Liam, who’s barely made a dent in his own make-up, and drags him out of the trailer.

They wash the rest off with hot water and wash cloths in the tiny bathroom of the trailer they share with Niall and Aiden. The trailers here are awesome, honestly; big enough that Louis suspects they’re the same sort that famous bands travel about in. They must go through so much fuel as well, because the air conditioner’s running whenever it’s hot and they’re apparently heated during the winter. Louis’s pretty sure Simon Cowell is a millionaire.

Anyway. Liam’s decent about their quick exit from the make-up trailer and only teases Louis a little bit. He shuts up when Louis says he just doesn’t want _it_ to happen again.

Then Niall gets in, freshly cleaned up himself, and has apparently heard the story from somewhere, because he laughs himself silly at Louis before passing out on their tiny couch. He’s like a child after shows, honestly. Liam carries him into his bunk like a gentleman – Louis would have left him to suffer, personally – and Louis takes over the bathroom to have a quick, embarrassing wank over Harry bloody Styles.

*

When Louis was seven, he went to his first circus with his mum and Mark. It was like a whole other world and he’d been captivated, unable to talk about anything else for weeks after. Finally his mum signed him up for gymnastics classes, thinking he’d get over it – most things in Louis’s life have been fleeting phases, except for football and music and, after that, gymnastics. His gymnastics studio also did trampolining, which Louis decided he had to try. And that was it, really; he was remarkably good at it, graduating to flips long before everyone else in his beginners class, and by the time he was ten, his mum realised it might not be just a passing fancy. She found a circus camp for him to go to, and then, after he discovered his passion for the trapeze, she found an instructor for that too. She was really supportive of him early on, although he doesn’t think she ever thought it’d be his career. Just a fun hobby. He’s not sure she never had daydreams about him going to the Olympics for gymnastics, but once he gave up acrobatics for trapeze it was clear that wasn’t going to happen.

Louis quit his footie team when he was twelve, and that’s when his problems with Mark really started. Mark had never approved of the gymnastics, possibly because it wasn’t something he could join in on. Louis still loved football, but Mark didn’t seem to get that. He’d just wanted to focus more on his tricks, and between footie and school, something had to give. If he could give up school for football he would’ve.

Louis came out when he was sixteen, which put an even bigger wedge between himself and Mark. If he wasn’t fighting with Mark, his mum was, and Louis got a job at his old gymnastics studio and started saving up to make it on his own. The way he saw it, it was his fault his mum’s marriage was falling apart, and he had to remove himself for hers and his sisters’ sakes.

Once he was eighteen and finished school, he talked his best friend Liam from the trapeze club into running away. Modest! Circus was coming to town and Louis thought he’d be no worse off if he took a gamble on them. But he needed a trapeze partner. Liam was only sixteen, but he’d been fighting with his parents a lot too, and after a bit of cajoling he agreed.

Modest! let them in on a trial basis, after Louis forged Liam’s parents’ signatures on a letter of permission. They were good, and they fit in, and eventually the old trapeze act quit and Louis and Liam were the main attraction.

For a while everything was perfect. They both missed their families, but Liam had started dating Sophia, the contortionist, and Louis had a friends with benefits arrangement with the tight-rope walker, Greg. It was perfect for a few months and then everything went sour all at once – Liam and Sophia broke up, and Greg got back with his ex-girlfriend. Louis hadn’t realised how fast he was falling until it was too late, and it was hellish working in the same place as the person who’d broken his heart. On top of that, the circus went bankrupt and suddenly he and Liam were effectively homeless.

Luckily, Simon Cowell had been looking for a trapeze team and had scouted them, and they made it into a circus that reminds Louis so much of the one he’d seen as a kid. He isn’t going to ruin everything by getting involved with a bloody juggler, no matter how tight his leotard is.

*

Niall’s the only one in the bunks when Louis wakes up. He’s snoring so loudly Louis wonders how any of them sleep through it. Louis pads out to the kitchen and finds Aiden, sitting at their tiny tea table with some toast. Liam’s nowhere to be seen.

“Morning,” Aiden says, and Louis grunts as he shuffles to the kettle.

Aiden’s smirking, like he’s amused by how terrible Louis is in the mornings, and that’s just a nice summary of Louis’s interactions with Aiden so far, really. The thing about Aiden is, the mere fact that he’s a tight-rope walker had Louis wary of him, for weird Greg reasons, like Louis’s brain thinks that’s his type or something, but turns out Aiden’s a sarcastic shit just like Louis, and they got on well from the first. It’s possible that if Aiden weren’t a tight-rope walker, Louis might have a non-existent crush on him instead of Harry Styles. As it is, it’s like his occupation is an anti-boner for Louis’s heart.

Aiden leaves him be until his tea’s ready, and then Louis sits opposite him.

“Morning,” he says after he’s taken his first few sips and feels a bit more human.

Aiden looks up from his phone, eyes alight with amusement. “Hello, sleeping beauty.”

“Oh fuck off, it’s not that late,” Louis says, then looks at the clown-shaped clock on the wall. It’s almost ten, which actually. Is pretty late by circus standards. “Well, Niall’s still asleep,” he points out defensively.

Aiden shrugs. “And Liam was up and running around the camp three hours ago.”

Louis makes a noise. “He’s disgusting.”

Aiden nods. “I, meanwhile, have been slothing about on my mobile like a normal person on their day off.”

“Much more appropriate,” Louis agrees.

They’re in Scotland, somewhere along the coast, and Aiden starts telling him about the area. Niall emerges just as Louis’s finishing his second bowl of cereal, just in time to chime in on Aiden’s story about the last time they were here.

“There’s actually a lot to see around here,” Niall says. “A group of us were thinkin’ about heading out to this sort of beach later today, y’wanna come with?”

“Liam’s welcome too,” Aiden says.

Louis smiles. “Well I don’t know about our exercise fanatic out there,” he says. “But sure, I’m in. I’ll ask him later.”

“Sick,” Niall says. “We got any bacon?”

Turns out Aiden ate the last of it, and despite the meltdown that causes, Louis can’t keep the smile off his face. He really, really likes it here.

*

Louis decides to take his good mood on an uncharacteristic walk around the campground. He’s sort of hoping he’ll run into Liam, so he can share his thoughts, but he’s also happy to just wander and watch. Much as he loves performance days, he might love days like this even more, when the circus is in a state of lazy disarray, with performers wandering about unmade up and when nobody has anything pressing to do. It’s both calmer than usual and full of life.

Louis hasn’t learned the names of most of the people here yet, so when he comes across a ginger lad strumming a guitar and strikes up a conversation, he doesn’t know what he’s stumbled upon until it’s too late.

That being, Harry Styles’ trailer. Which he knows because Harry steps out in nothing but a bloody purple towel wrapped around his waist. Unless Harry often goes about undressing in random trailers, which could be entirely possible.

“Ed, have you seen my body wash?” Harry says, and then he notices Louis and does an actual double-take.

“Niall had it last night,” Ed’s saying, but neither Louis nor Harry are paying him much attention.

So. Much. Skin. And tattoos. And are they – does Harry have four nipples?

“Hi, Louis,” Harry says. His voice might be even deeper than usual. “I was just – just gonna take a shower.”

Louis can see that.

“Yeah,” he says. “I can see that.”

Apparently he’s lost a bit of his filter, but it’s okay because it causes Harry to get all flustered.

“I’m, um, I’m just looking for my body wash, so – ” he snaps his attention back to Ed. “You said Niall had it? Did he use it all?”

“Think so,” Ed says. “He was takin’ his make-up off with it, I think.”

Harry frowns, and the deep crease that causes between his eyebrows is a thing of beauty. “But that’s my special wash,” he says. “God knows when we’ll be near the right shop again.”

Louis sort of wants to maim Niall a little bit for making Harry sound so sad, which – that’s a really scary feeling. Up until this moment, Louis’s loved Niall.

Harry really needs to put his clothes back on, all this nakedness is interfering with Louis’s brain.

Ed’s telling Harry to use his body wash when Louis finally pulls himself together.

“I’ve gotta go,” he blurts out. “Gotta meet Liam. Practice. See you, have a good one!”

He rushes away, towards the Big Top, before he can register their expressions and confirm how stupid he sounds.

Why does Harry keep having this fucking effect on him?

At least the Big Top’s empty when he gets there. He doesn’t have to meet Liam, of course, and he doesn’t really need to practice, but if there’s any better distraction from Harry’s stupid smooth skin and biteable love handles, Louis can’t think of it.

Their current routines are pretty new, so Louis probably should be rehearsing, or at least practicing to the music, but he thinks the key to surviving in this circus is to not listen to The Beatles in his downtime.

Also, he’s been slowly constructing a one man trapeze show to Bohemian Rhapsody for almost two years, and he’s never able to pass up an opportunity to work on it.

So he hooks his phone up to the tent’s speaker system, puts Bohemian Rhapsody on repeat, and chalks up his hands, resolving to push himself twice as hard to forget about Harry bloody Styles.

*

“The world is ending,” Liam says, flopping down on the ground beside Louis. It’s uncharacteristically dramatic for Liam, and he’s also interrupting Louis’s private practice time, which is almost unheard of. Louis’s taking a break, catching his breath after a grueling two hours of running through his masterpiece (which unfortunately only translates to roughly fifty seconds of new choreography), so he’ll allow it.

Still. “That’s entirely too dramatic for you,” Louis says. “I won’t allow it.”

Liam scoffs. “Sorry,” he says, clearly not sorry at all. “But you’d understand if you saw him.”

Louis sighs. “Saw who?” Whoever it is can’t possibly be worse than Harry, so Liam has no right to complain.

“The lion-tamer,” Liam says, voice dangerously close to dreamy. “He looks like a literal model, Lou, it’s so unfair.”

Louis perks up. There are a few interesting things in that sentence. First, lions. Syco is the first circus Louis’s seen since he was a kid that uses animals. It’s unfashionable in the industry these days, and in circus camp they’d been lectured for hours on how terrible it is, so Louis grew up thinking circuses who used animals were downright barbaric. The thing is, though, that so many animals have been raised specifically to be in circuses. So Simon Cowell’s thing is rescuing and rehabilitating them, and giving them as lush a life as possible, which is admirable, Louis thinks. He’s only seen the elephants and tigers from afar, hasn’t had a chance to meet any of them yet, and if Liam has he’s outraged.

Secondly, Liam fancies a boy. Louis knows Liam’s bi, but in all the years they’ve been friends, he’s only ever chased girls. This must be how Louis imagines scientists feel whilst watching the mating rituals of an unknown species.

And lastly, if the bloke really does look like a model – then what the fuck? What’s with this circus? Does Simon have a quota of stupidly beautiful people to fill?

“Louis,” Liam whines, because he’s yet to say anything.

“I doubt he’s as pretty as Harry,” is what Louis’s dumb mouth comes up with. Liam pouts.

“He is,” he says. “Wait til you see him. I want to die.”

“Wow,” Louis says.

“I know,” Liam says miserably.

“Okay, this is too much,” Louis says, getting to his feet and grabbing his phone. “Chalk up your hands and run the routine with me, let’s go.”

He opens the playlist with their songs on it while Liam reluctantly chalks up. Their first song is Across The Universe, but there’s a good couple minutes of silence before it so they have time to get in position.

“Race you,” Louis says, pressing play and running to the ladder before Liam’s even finished with the chalk.

*

To be fair to Simon, he really did give them some of the best songs in the set. All of them fit perfectly with the trapeze, of course, but they’re also some of the Beatles’ most popular work, Louis thinks. Before coming to Syco, he’d only known the songs his mum’d liked when he was young. (And yes, the reminder of his childhood might be the worst part of being here, but.)

Anyway. The only song in their set Louis hadn’t heard before was Within You, Without You. Otherwise, they’d ended up with Across The Universe, Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds, and Blackbird, easily some of the best songs in Louis’s opinion. Liam agrees, so he doesn’t think they’ll be going to Simon demanding changes like Harry had.

Their routine is pretty decent too. Simon had them work with the circus’s choreographer to create something similar to what they’d been doing at Modest!, so it wasn’t difficult to learn, but that went with the music and theme. It’s slightly harder than what they were used to, but Louis loves a challenge, and so does Liam. They haven’t mucked it up yet, so that’s something.

They’re taking a water break when Louis remembers his conversation with Niall earlier.

“Hey, Niall invited us out this afternoon,” he says. “Apparently there’s a beach near here, and a group are going?”

“Oh, cool,” Liam says, then he looks at the time. “You do know it’s afternoon now, yeah?”

“What?” Louis grabs Liam’s phone. It’s almost two thirty. “Ah, fuck.” He gets his own mobile and texts Niall, hoping they haven’t left yet. He thinks Niall would’ve let him know if they had, though. Niall and Aiden are the only people in the circus Louis’s exchanged numbers with – Niall had insisted within minutes of them all meeting, claiming it was trailer-mate etiquette.

 _Nar mate, ur right,_ Niall texts back. _Was just gonna get ahold of you. Leavin at 3:30 if u still wanna come._

Louis shows Liam, who nods. “Best get ourselves back and get ready then,” he says. “You should have a shower, you’re gross.”

Louis rolls his eyes. “Thanks Li.” What a pal.

*

Louis does take a quick shower, because he’s nothing if not considerate of others, shut up Liam – and when he comes out, dressed in only his swimming shorts and toweling his hair, Harry Styles is sitting in his trailer. Louis stubs his toe.

“Bloody buggering fuck,” he cries, dropping his towel and grabbing his foot.

Harry’s stopped grinning at him and has jumped to his feet. “Oh no!” he says. “Are you okay? Do you want me to get some frozen peas?”

Louis finds it ludicrous that Harry expects to find frozen peas in this trailer, and that he offered in the first place.

“We’ve run away to join the circus, Harold, do we really seem like the sort to eat our vegetables?” he asks through the crippling pain in his foot. Let it never be said that Louis Tomlinson is ever without a quip.

“I love vegetables,” Harry says, as if that answers that. “Really, are you alright?”

“I’ll live,” Louis says. “I don’t think it’s broken.” He manages to straighten up and look normal again. “What’re you doing here? And where’s everyone else?”

“Oh,” Harry says. “I’m going to the beach today? I think everyone’s outside, well, I think Liam’s changing, but everyone else is outside? But I thought I’d wait for you.”

He’s painfully sweet, is the thing. Louis shoves down all the stupid feelings that are threatening to erupt out of him, and nods stiffly.

“Okay then,” he says. “Um. Hi.”

Harry’s face seems to drop for a split second, but then he grins again. “Hi. Are you ready to go?”

“Yeah, just let me – ” he picks up the towel he dropped – yes, he uses a beach towel for his bath, what of it – and finds his wallet and phone. “Okay. Liam?” he screeches into the back.

“Hold your bloody horses,” Liam grumbles, and then thankfully emerges before Louis has to think of another thing to say to Harry.

*

The beach is actually quite lovely, despite Louis’s misgivings. It’s only a short walk away, so Louis assumed it must’ve been quite poor, and he wasn’t looking forward to spending an evening at a shitty beach in Harry’s company, but. It’s nice. Small, and more like a lake – not many waves and the sand’s fairly grainy. But the water’s nice, and Niall’s got a nice little area set up for them on shore, with drinks and seats and towels spread out.

And as far as the company goes, well – Harry’s ended up lying on a towel under a beach umbrella, after slogging on layers of SPF30, while the rest of them swim. It’s barely even sunny.

“It’s almost October,” Louis grumbles to Liam. “What does he think he’s playing at?”

Liam shrugs. They’re waist-deep in the water, and Liam’s all melancholy because his glorious lion-tamer isn’t here. When Louis had asked, he’d seemed happy about that, probably because he’d known Louis would tease him mercilessly, but as time’s gone on he’s gotten gloomier. Meanwhile, Louis’s started to suspect that Liam’s hallucinated this bloke. Or at least that’s what he’s telling Liam.

As for who is here – there’s Niall and Aiden, and Ed, the ginger lad from this morning, and the girls Ed rides elephants with, as well as a few of Niall’s fellow clowns. Louis hasn’t learned any of their names yet, but he thinks this is probably a decent opportunity to do so.

By the time the sun sets, the water’s freezing, so they all trudge up to their area. Harry’s joined them in the water by that point, but still the only communication Louis’s had with him was earlier, when he ventured out of the water to grab a beer, and Harry had tried to talk him into borrowing some of his sun cream. Louis had declined, terrified by the very idea of Harry rubbing cream into his skin, and Harry was very disappointed in him. Maybe that’s why he hasn’t spoken to Louis since.

Not that Louis cares.

Liam immediately helps Niall and Aiden build a bonfire, and Louis opts to chat with Ed, who’s a really decent lad, while Harry flirts with one of the girls. The blonde American one. It doesn’t bother Louis one bit, in fact, Louis isn’t paying him the slightest attention.

That lasts a few minutes. And then he interrupts Ed, mid loving monologue on his elephant, to ask if he’d be so kind as to tell Louis the names of his fellow riders. Louis manages to sound sheepish about it; “I haven’t met quite as many people as I’d’ve liked, yet.”

“Oh, yeah, of course,” Ed says, smiling jovially. “Well, that’s Cara, and that’s Daisy,” he points to each of them, and Louis ignores that uncomfortable twist of his stomach at his sister’s name, in favour of impatience that he hasn’t gotten to the girl Harry’s talking to. “And there’s Alexa, and Poppy, and of course Taylor,” he finishes, his smile turned fond, but Louis’s narrowed in on the blonde girl. Taylor.

“And she’s the American one, then,” Louis says, once he realises he’s been silent too long, and hopes it doesn’t sound like _then what the bloody hell is she doing here?_

“Yep,” Ed says happily, clearly not picking up on Louis’s mood. “She came over for uni. That’s where we met, actually, and we had this little singer songwriter duo thing. And then Syco was in town, and we decided fuck uni, let’s ride elephants instead.” He laughs. “Simon managed to get her a work visa, so now she can stay, it’s brilliant.”

Seriously, by the look on Ed’s face and by his voice, he’s either in love with this Taylor or she’s his very best friend. Louis feels oddly bad for all the ill-will he’s been wishing her.

She also seems kind of cool. She and Ed are the only riders who sing and play guitar while actually on top of the elephants. The rest of the riders are just like back-up, almost more elephant trainers than performers.

Luckily he’s distracted from those thoughts, because just as the bonfire lights up, more people join their group. Louis squints at them in the growing dark – he thinks there’s the acrobat girls, and the backing band, and – a stupidly, ridiculously good-looking boy?

Louis looks at Liam, who’s dropped the stack of wood he was holding and is standing with his mouth wide open. Yeah. This probably the lion-taming male model. Wow.

He might be ready to concede Liam’s point.

They’ve set up a few logs around the fire, but Harry’s taking up one with his gaggle of elephant-riding girls. That leaves the one Ed and Louis are on, and the one Niall and Aiden and the other boys have fallen onto, and an empty one. Liam shoots to Louis’s side before any of the newcomers choose their seats, probably lest he’s stuck sitting with people he hasn’t met, or worse, the lion-taming model.

The guys Louis recognises from the band sit on their log, which leaves stupidly pretty boy and his acrobats to the other log. Louis’s a bit disappointed, but Liam looks relieved.

That’s it. By the end of the night, Louis resolves, they will know ridiculously attractive lion-tamer’s name, and he and Liam will be at least acquainted, if not shagging in the bushes somewhere.

Louis is such a good friend.

*

Half an hour later and he’s made precisely no progress. He blames Niall, though, because as soon as everyone was settled, he’d pulled out a few bags of marshmallows and packages of sausages, and they’ve all been busy stuffing their faces since.

Once the food rush dies down and everyone’s gone back to chatting amongst themselves, Louis decides Niall can make up for distracting him from his mission. He texts, _bro me and liam barely know half the people here wanna help us out_ , and watches Niall’s face light up as he reads it. Then he stands up and claps his hands.

“I’ve just realised that some of you haven’t the pleasure yet of meeting mine and Aiden’s new roommates,” he cries, pointing at Louis and Liam. “So we’re gonna play a game! We’ll go around the circle, and everyone introduce the person to the left of you! We should all know each other well enough, yeah?”

“I’d hope so, only been here four bloody years,” one of the acrobats says.

A chorus of agreement chimes in, so Niall sits back down, too smug really, and gestures to his left. “Right, well, this dashing lad is Luke, one of my clowning brethren and fellow international recruit. He and the rest of the clowns came from Australia on, what, your gap year before uni? They were backpacking and ended up falling in with us.” He rambles on about Luke’s likes and dislikes for a bit, before throwing the floor to him.

Luke introduces Michael beside him, another clown from Australia, and Michael introduces Poppy, and on it goes. Louis pays the most attention to Cara introducing Harry. She seems to be closer to him than expected.

“Harry’s our resident heart-breaker, inn’e,” she says, and everyone laughs. Louis frowns. “No, but really, he’s the last proper gentleman. He’s a sweetheart and a treasure, he loves babies and grandmothers and pregnant women and dads, and he loves flowers and glitter and being naked. He’s twenty, from Cheshire, and his life-long ambition is to be married with ten kids. Am I right?”

Harry beams at her. “I’d settle for eight kids,” he says, and Cara laughs and ruffles his hair.

Louis is not jealous. His stomach is only turning because he’d eaten too many marshmallows.

“This is Taylor,” Harry says. “She’s our only American. She’s smart, and funny, and good at cross-stitching, and fun to bake with, and one of the best singer-songwriters I’ve ever met.”

Taylor kisses his cheek, which makes Louis’s stomach churn some more, and then she introduces Ed as her best friend and favourite ginger muffin and the best songwriter there is. And then Ed’s introducing Louis.

“I hadn’t actually spoken to Louis before today,” Ed says. “But I feel like I’ve grown up with him, as anyone who’s had to share a trailer with Harry for the last two weeks would agree with.”

Harry looks embarrassed, and Louis’s confused. That makes literally zero sense.

Must be some sort of inside joke.

“But he seems like a great lad, very funny and quick-witted, and surely all of us have seen his trapeze skills. Um, and I know he’s from Doncaster and he likes footie and music.”

Louis nods in approval. “Thanks mate,” he says, then realises abruptly that it’s his turn. Thank God Liam’s sat next to him. He grins, seizing the opportunity. “This is Liam! He’s not only the best mate I’ve ever had, he’s the only person I’d trust to fling me about twenty feet off the ground. He likes superheroes and dogs and singing, if I hadn’t talked him into joining the circus he’d be a fireman or a famous singer. He’s single, _ladies_ , and gentlemen because he doesn’t discriminate, and he’s loyal and genuine and a romantic, and a very generous lover, I’m told.”

That’s when Liam punches him in the arm. “I hate you so much,” he says, but his eyes say the opposite. He looks a tiny bit grateful, even, which is basically why Louis had decided to out him now – he knows Liam, and he knows that Liam hates coming out to new people. He doesn’t care if they know, but he finds it awkward doing it himself. He’s said several times that he’s happy for Louis to announce it whenever he sees fit.

Louis definitely saw fit now, because who knows how long it’d take Liam to let the hot lion-tamer know he’s interested.

Unluckily for Liam, he’s got to introduce the circus’s drummer, who he’s barely spoken to outside of the last thirty minutes.

“Um, this is Josh, as I’m sure you all know,” Liam says. “He likes drumming and marshmallows. He also once showed me where the make-up trailer was. Stand-up guy.”

Josh laughs, and introduces the guy beside him, and Louis zones out again until finally, a pink-haired acrobat – Louis thinks the girl beside her said her name was Perrie – tells them that the Greek god to her left is named Zayn.

“He likes sleeping, and drawing, and comic books, and animals,” she says, smiling at him fondly. “He loves books and art. He’s quiet, but once you get to know him, he’s one of the sweetest and best people in the world.”

Zayn looks embarrassed but pleased, and then he introduces the blue-haired girl to his left with a thick northern accent. Louis’s reminded strongly of home.

Louis quickly reaffirms his mission to get to know Zayn. Purely for Liam’s benefit, of course, and not to keep his mind off Harry Styles having five beautiful girls wrapped around his finger.

It takes longer than he’d’ve liked, but finally the acrobats extricate themselves from Zayn. Louis seems to be the only one to notice that he’s momentarily alone, and he hops up before anyone else joins him.

“Hi,” he says, plopping down beside Zayn. “You work with the lions, yeah?”

Zayn looks at him, clearly surprised to see him. “Uh, yeah,” he says.

“And you’re from somewhere near me,” Louis says. “I’m gonna guess... Bradford?”

Zayn smiles. It’s small, but it’s there. “Yeah,” he says.

“Could never miss that accent,” Louis says.

Zayn’s smile widens. “Would you believe I’ve not been back in five years, and if anything me accent’s getting stronger?”

Louis laughs. “No, I know, s’weird, innit?” he says. “Just sinks its hooks in you.”

“Did Ed say you’re from Doncaster?”

“Mm, yep,” Louis says. “So we’re neighbours!”

Zayn laughs.

“But that’s not half as exciting as working with _lions_ ,” Louis says.

“And tigers,” Zayn says.

“And _tigers_. How’d you get into _that_? I had enough trouble convincing my mum to let me do trapeze.”

Zayn laughs. Again. Louis cheers inwardly at how well this is going.

“Me mum’d have an ‘eart attack if she knew what I was doing,” Zayn says, and then he pauses. “Um. I joined Syco when I was seventeen, and I didn’t have much of a talent for anything. I mean, I can sing, but – I didn’t like to in front of people then, I was shy. So Simon had me in charge of the elephants and tigers and everything, like, lookin’ after ‘em backstage. And then Matt had to go home ‘cause his dad got sick, and I was the only one who could really fill his spot. So I did that for a bit, got up courage with my singing, but I didn’t really like being the main focus. And by then I’d formed a good bond with the animals. So when Matt came back, our old lion-tamer, Rebecca her name was, she fell pregnant and quit, and I put in for it.” He shrugs. “Just been lucky I guess.”

Louis’s a bit stunned. “That is awesome,” he says. “Please, please introduce me to the lions one day?”

Zayn chuckles again. “Sure, man,” he says.

Niall drops down on Zayn’s other side, startling them both. “Has he told you how he’s our very own Dr Doolittle?” he says. “He’s a proper lion whisperer.”

“I don’t think that’s a thing,” Zayn says.

They chat some more, and it turns out Zayn shares a trailer with Harry, because Louis can’t escape him, as well as Ed and the ringleader Nick Grimshaw. Louis makes a face at the mention of his name; he’s such an insufferable twat. He loves to spout his own personal opinion of the performers as he’s announcing them, and even though he and Louis have barely spoken, he’s never said a nice thing about him. In fact, each night, Nick comes up with a new lie. Last night, he’d said that Louis was balding, pot-bellied, and had fathered twelve children up and down the country. He’s an absolute arse.

He never has anything but sunshine and daisies for Harry, of course. Louis hadn’t realised they shared a trailer, but it does make sense of Nick’s loving odes.

*

Maybe it’s the beer talking, but from then, Louis considers himself and Zayn friends. So when he sees him smoking with Aiden off to the side, he doesn’t hesitate before grabbing Liam’s arm and dragging him over.

“Hey lads, mind if we bum a few?” he says, even though Liam rarely smokes. Zayn readily hands them each one, and Louis definitely doesn’t see Liam complaining when Zayn leans in and lights his for him.

“Have you two met yet?” Louis asks, knowing they haven’t. When Zayn shakes his head, Louis nudges Liam even closer to him. “Oh, man, you two’ll love each other, I know it. Liam loves animals and comic books too!”

“God, Louis,” Liam mutters, but Zayn’s eyes light up.

“Favourite superhero?” he asks.

Liam squirms. “Batman,” he says. “S’cliche, I know, but he’s just so awesome and I love the idea of regular people making themselves heroes.”

“I know,” Zayn says, beaming. “That’s why I love Iron Man! Well, one of the reasons, anyway.”

“I love him too,” Liam says. “Is he your favourite, then?”

“Well... I don’t really have a favourite, to be honest,” Zayn says. “I love too many. Maybe the Green Lantern.”

Louis looks to Aiden. He’s looking fondly at the two of them.

This just might work.

*

Somehow, Louis ends up sitting beside Harry. Harry’s not paying him a lick of attention, though, too preoccupied with touching Michael’s bright red hair on his other side and insisting the two of them jam someday. Apparently Harry’s learning guitar. Not that Louis cares, Louis’s got Zayn and Liam beside him as well, and he’s incredibly interested in the conversation about superheroes they’re still having.

Well, usually he would be. He loves superheroes as much as Liam does. It’s just, he doesn’t want to interrupt their weird mating ritual. That’s why he’s not talking much. It has nothing to do with Harry, and how he’s ignored Louis all night.

And then Michael gets up to take a piss, announcing it to everyone as he goes, and all of Louis’s excuses go flying out the window, because Harry turns to him with a smile.

“Hi Lou,” he says warmly, like they’re old friends. Louis feels very conflicted about that. “How’s your night going?”

“Good,” Louis says, because it is. Liam and Zayn are talking, mission accomplished. “Though I thought you were mad at me. ‘Cause I didn’t wear sunscreen.”

Harry frowns. “Well,” he says, even slower than usual. “I really don’t want you to get skin cancer.”

Harry Styles is a very confusing man. Louis pats his knee. “Thank you for your concern,” he says.

“You’re welcome,” Harry says happily.

They sit in silence for a while, and just as Louis is starting to feel uncomfortable, Harry turns to him and asks, very seriously, “Lou, do you like me?”

Louis almost chokes on his beer.

“I mean,” Harry says. “I’d like very much for us to be friends, but you’ve been acting kind of weird? So I wasn’t sure if, like. That was your way of trying to get rid of me?”

“No,” Louis says. “Not at all.” Not _really_. He was more trying to get rid of his pesky feelings, so. “I’d like to be your friend.”

Harry beams, and his dimples stretch wide. “Sick,” he says, and then he kisses Louis on the fucking cheek. Louis’s eyes have possibly never been so wide.

A few minutes later, Harry’s off flirting with the blue-haired acrobat, and Louis makes a decision. Harry clearly flirts with everyone, and anything Louis thought was between them must have been all in his head. So that’s fine, that’s great. If Harry just wants to be his friend, then everything’s perfect. Friends, Louis can do.

*

Louis regrets last night so much. And not because of his mild hangover on a show day. No, it’s because Liam won’t shut the hell up about Zayn.

He manages to keep it down when Aiden and Niall are around, because Louis’s not the only one who was affected by their breakups at Modest!. In fact, Liam was possibly even more heart-broken; he’d thought he was in love with Sophia for a time. So on the one hand, Louis’s stoked that he’s developed proper feelings for someone new.

On the other hand, if he has to hear about what Zayn thinks of the Dark Knight franchise one more time, he’ll strangle himself with his trapeze.

They’re running through the routine, because it’s a bloody show day, and usually Liam would be stone silent, but he hasn’t paused in his running commentary on his night with Zayn since they left the trailer. Half the time Louis can’t even hear him, he’s across the frigging Big Top, but Liam’s still nattering on as if he has Louis’s rapt attention. On the plus side, his performance has never been better.

*

And then it all goes to shit.

Louis and Liam happen to be in the make-up trailer at the same time as Harry and Zayn. It’s a coincidence, Louis thinks, although he’s beginning to wonder if Harry lies in wait at the trailer for Louis to appear.

Judging by his apparent close friendship with Louise, the head make-up artist, that’s probably not the case.

Anyway, Louis and Zayn are getting made up, Harry and Liam are waiting their turns, and Harry’s regaling them all with the longest story ever about his entire day. It should be boring, but given that Louis’s day has consisted of Liam monologuing, this is a welcome change.

Also, there’s something soothing about letting Harry’s voice wash over him as Lou brushes cool paint on his face.

And then, just as Zayn’s proclaimed finished by Eleanor, Lou’s assistant, and Liam gets up to take his spot, the door opens and one of the acrobats comes in. The pink-haired one. Louis’s met so many people that he still doesn’t remember her name.

“Hi babe,” Zayn says, which doesn’t mean anything, but then he crosses the trailer and kisses her. On the mouth.

And maybe that could be written off too, but after they part, the girl bounds over to Liam and says, “Hi, I’m Perrie, I’m Zayn’s girlfriend? He hasn’t shut up about you all day.”

When Louis was younger he was a bit obsessed with The Simpsons, and there’s a scene where Bart imagines that the girl he likes has ripped his heart out and said, “You won’t be needing _this_ anymore.” Louis can’t help thinking that that’s exactly what Liam looks like. You can pinpoint the second his heart rips in two. Which... may also be a Simpsons reference. It’s been a long time since Louis’s watched it.

It’s not obvious to the others, Louis doesn’t think, but he’s certainly well versed in Liam Payne’s facial expressions. _Shit._

All Louis can think is that they have to get out of there. Liam needs to freak out in private. Luckily, although Liam’s stood up for his turn, he hasn’t sat in the make-up chair yet, so Eleanor hasn’t started on him. Lou hasn’t declared Louis finished yet, but when she turns to wet her brush, Louis pulls out his phone and pretends he’s got a text.

“Oh no, Aiden’s got himself stuck in his costume,” he cries, jumping up and dragging Liam to the door by the elbow. “C’mon, Li, four hands are better than two! Lovely to meet you Perrie, we’ll be back later Lou!”

As he drags Liam down the stairs, he can hear Lou protesting, and Harry wondering how Aiden managed to text. Whoops.

Louis keeps dragging Liam along until they’re a good distance from the trailer. He stops beside the make-up and costume crew’s home trailer, the only one that must be empty.

“What’re we doing?” Liam says, clearly bewildered. “Doesn’t Aiden need us?”

“No,” Louis says. “That was a diversion, Liam. Keep up. I just thought you needed to be able to react to that little revelation.”

Comprehension dawns, and Liam blows out a massive breath. “Fuck,” he says. “Was it obvious to everyone, d’you think?”

“Nope,” Louis says. “You looked very composed for a man whose heart was breaking. Are you okay?”

Liam bites his lip, then shakes his head. Louis pulls him into a big hug.

“I’m so sorry, man,” he says. “I know how much you liked him.”

“I’m such an idiot,” Liam mumbles into Louis’s neck. “God, he’s probably straight.”

“Nobody that good-looking is straight,” Louis declares. “He’s gotta give everyone a chance.” His logic is clearly flawed, but it makes Liam choke out a laugh, so it’s okay. “And you’re not an idiot. Did he ever mention a girlfriend?”

“No,” Liam says. “I don’t think so. I don’t think he even said her name.”

“There, so,” Louis says. “How could you’ve known?”

“She introduced him,” Liam points out. “In the circle. And he was glued to her side until – ”

“Until he met you?”

“Until he met _you_ ,” Liam says.

He has a point. But. “I’m not the one he spent most of the night talking to,” Louis points out. “And she did say that he’s been talking about you all day.”

Liam sighs. He burrows in closer. This is an upwards cuddle, is what this is. “I feel so stupid,” he says. “I just like him so much. I haven’t felt like this since Soph. I’ve maybe never felt like this.”

“Oh Liam,” Louis says, rubbing his back and hoping for the first time that his make-up hasn’t been smudged. “It’ll be okay. Time heals, remember? And hey, maybe they’ll break up.”

“I don’t want that,” Liam says. “Not if he loves her.” Of course he doesn’t. Saint bloody Liam. “I just.” He sighs. “Now I get why you’re ignoring your Harry thing.”

“What Harry thing?” Louis says. He pulls back so Liam can see his face. “Check my make-up’s not ruined, will you? Lou’ll have me head.”

*

Liam becomes downright unbearable after that. He only leaves the trailer for practice and shows, otherwise he’s just moping about on Twitter, listening to sad R&B music and marathoning Young Justice. He hasn’t gone for a run in days. Louis barely recognises him.

Except he does, because this is an exact repeat of the Sophia aftermath. It’s weird to watch when Louis’s not in a similar state of upset. Worse.

And he has no idea what to do.

“What’re we gonna do about Liam, mate?” Niall asks him. They’re eating lunch, just the two of them, in a secluded corner of the campground. Niall had said he wanted to talk.

Louis can’t quite believe Liam’s bad mood is obvious to someone else. Maybe this is worse than last time. He sighs, because he doesn’t _know_ what to do. That’s the whole problem.

“I mean, I don’t know what the matter is,” Niall continues. “But he’s obviously really upset about something. I can’t stand to see it.”

“Aw, Niall,” Louis says, suddenly a bit touched.

“Well he’s me mate,” Niall says, frowning. “Is there anything we can do? I’m just guessin’ that you know what’s up.”

“Yeah,” Louis says. “I don’t think I can tell you, though.”

“No, of course,” Niall says. “But is it – like, has there been a death in the family, or somethin’ – ”

“No, no,” Louis says. “He’s just – he’s a tad heartbroken.”

“Ah,” Niall says. His frown deepens. “Well that’s shit. Did his girlfriend dump him?”

“Er,” Louis says. “Something like that.”

“Well I know a solution,” Niall says, brightening. “We need to take him out! He doesn’t need to pull, but if he takes his mind off it...”

“That might be a good idea,” Louis says slowly. Liam’ll hate it, but – it might be good for him.

Then Harry pops up out of thin air to ask what’s a good idea, which is how the plan ends up involving Harry, Ed, Aiden, Nick, and _Zayn._

“Lads night!” Niall cheers.

Zayn’s coming. This’ll be a disaster, and Liam’s gonna kill him.

*

Liam characteristically decides to make the most of it. He can’t make a fuss in front of everyone, after all.

They’re still in Scotland, and Niall knows of a club nearby, of course.

Liam’s version of making the most of it apparently includes getting blind drunk. Louis spares a moment of silence for eighteen-year-old Liam, who refused to drink on account of his supposedly malfunctioning kidney, as twenty-one-year-old Liam coerces him into another shot.

Then Liam decides it’s time to dance, and he’s off to the dance floor and grinding against several dark-haired girls in about ten seconds flat. Leaving Louis alone at the bar.

He orders a drink and considers his options. One: go and dance with his best mate and a bunch of girls, or two: go back to the table where Zayn’s sitting all by himself and watch Harry flirt with Nick bloody Grimshaw.

He chooses the second option. Because he’s apparently a masochist.

Zayn’s all gloomy, for some reason, nursing some dark-coloured spirits and sulking.

“What’s wrong?” Louis asks. He assumes Zayn misses his girlfriend, or something. People in relationships tend to be clingy like that.

“Oh,” Zayn says. He looks startled. “Erm. Not really my scene.”

Louis nods understandingly. Though he doesn’t really understand. He loves clubs, usually. When Harry Styles isn’t a stone’s throw away, looking about five seconds from sucking face with a twattish old quiffy bag of dicks.

“Also,” Zayn says. “D’you know why Liam’s ignoring me? I mean, he is, isn’t he? I thought we got on, but I swear he’s been avoiding me for days now. And he hasn’t talked to me at all tonight.”

Oh, shit. Jesus Christ. Of course Zayn would notice, and of course he’d bloody ask Louis about it.

“Um,” Louis says. “I think he’s just been busy? We have, I mean. Still settling in and, like, lots of people to meet, and such.”

“Oh,” Zayn says. He’s still frowning. Louis can’t tell if he buys it.

“He definitely likes you,” Louis says. He doesn’t think it’s betraying Liam’s trust to say so. “He thinks you’re brilliant, trust me.”

“Oh,” Zayn says again, with a hint of a smile now. “Okay. That’s good, I mean, I think he’s amazing.”

There’s something in his voice, and in the almost wistful way he’s looking at Liam grinding against two girls, that makes Louis think there’s more here than he’d assumed. Huh.

“So,” he says abruptly. “How long’ve you been with Perrie, then?”

Zayn blinks. “Um. About two years. She’s the best.”

“Her act’s great,” Louis says, trying to fish for more details. “I love the way they do She Loves You and I Wanna Hold Your Hand. It’s pretty gay, innit?”

Shit. He’s drunker than he thought.

But Zayn laughs. Thank God. “They’d love to hear that,” he says. “S’kind of the point.”

Okay. That’s interesting. Maybe. Maybe Louis’s just drunk.

“Wish they were here,” he says, and he actually does. He’d love to talk about this with them. “Bet you do too.”

“Hm?” Zayn says. He’s gone back to watching Liam. Oooookay. “Oh, yeah. I do. Pez actually makes places like this tolerable.”

Louis snorts. “I bet.”

Liam’s lost the girls and found Niall, and their dancing is much more fun and much less sexual. Zayn’s watching just as intently. Louis still can’t figure him out, so he lets his gaze slide back to Harry, who’s still chatting with Nick.

“What does he see in that pretentious tosser,” Louis grumbles before he thinks not to, and Zayn finally looks at him.

“You like him, don’t you?” Zayn says with an annoyingly knowing smirk. “Harry.”

Louis splutters into his cocktail. “No,” he says. “I most certainly do not.”

Zayn’s smirk gets even more annoying. “Okay,” he says. They fall into silence again, watching their respective boys – and what does it say that he finds it weirder to be considering Liam Zayn’s boy, than Harry his?

“He doesn’t like Nick, you know,” Zayn says casually. “Not like that. Nick’s definitely had a thing for Harry, but Harry just thinks of him as a good friend.”

Louis frowns. “How d’you know?”

“I share a trailer with both of them,” Zayn points out. “I’ve a front row seat.”

He’s got a point.

Before Louis can reassure Zayn that he absolutely doesn’t care, Liam falls into the booth. He drapes himself all over Louis, and Louis wonders if he’s even aware of Zayn’s presence.

“Louuuuuuu,” he says. “Why aren’cha dancing?”

“I will,” Louis says. “In a minute. I was just talking to Zayn.”

It’s a bit pointed and obvious, but it makes Liam stiffen, and he sits up and looks at Zayn.

“Hi,” Zayn says. He seems sort of nervous. Wow.

“Hi Zayn,” Liam says. “Lovely Zayn. You’re so pretty, d’you know?”

Zayn blinks, and Louis pushes Liam out of the booth and to his feet.

“I’m ready to dance!” Louis cries, because he is a hero and he never gets enough credit.

“But – ” Liam says, but Louis’s pushing him towards the dancefloor.

“Bye Zayn!” Louis calls over his shoulder.

“I wanted to talk to Zayn,” Liam’s pouting. “I missed him.”

“You can talk later,” Louis says. “Zayn’s, um, busy right now. Let’s dance, you wanted to dance! Look, here’s Niall!”

They’ve stumbled into Niall, Aiden and Ed, and Liam immediately joins them in the weird, mostly jumping, part swaying dance they’re doing.

Louis loses himself in the beat, and before long he’s got a random girl behind him and Aiden in front, and they’re sort of jokingly grinding. It’s fun, letting himself go, and obviously he’s got no intentions of doing anything with Aiden, or with any girls, but there’s something about the dirty beat that makes him feel attractive. Kind of like how he feels when he’s in the air.

A remix of one of the newer Beyonce songs starts up, and someone’s grabbing his wrist.

Louis opens his eyes. Aiden’s gone, and – it’s Harry, Harry with his silky curls and his beautiful face and his stupid barely-buttoned shirt showing off his dumb tattoos.

Harry smiles, and he leans in really close, so close he gives Louis anticipatory butterflies, but then he just says, “Hi,” in Louis’s ear. Like a loser. “You look very pretty, can we dance?”

Louis wants to laugh, but he’s a weird combination of aroused and nervous and drunk and fucking flying because Harry thinks he’s _pretty_. Jesus.

He nods, but then he says, “Where’s Nick?” and ruins it.

Harry shrugs. “Don’t care. Saw you dancing. Had to – ” and he grabs Louis’s hips and pulls him close, and then they’re dancing, flush together and Beyonce fucking says _you’re mine, you’re mine_ and it’s just, possibly, the sexiest dance Louis’s ever had.

He’s so drunk and he’s so into Harry, everywhere they touch feels electric and everything about Harry is so beautiful, the sweat underneath the sheer material of his shirt, the fire in his eyes and the syrup in his voice as he sings along.

“ _From eight until late I think ‘bout you_ ,” Harry croons, and Louis can feel his big hands across his back and his bulge pressing into Louis’s leg and it’s – it’s so much. It’s everything.

He’s never wanted anyone as much as he wants Harry.

And he’s so close to doing something about it. Well, technically he already is, because he seems to’ve lost control of his hips, and he’s been grinding his crotch against Harry’s since, like, the first chorus, which is fine, amazing even, because Harry’s grinding back, but – Louis’s very close to kissing him, is the point. Harry’s perfect mouth is right there, so so close, and Louis wants to taste him more than he wants anything –

And then the song must be over, because The Killers start blaring and Liam throws himself into Louis’s back.

“It’s our song, Lou!” Liam yells, and it is, it’s Mr Brightside, and they used to practice to Hot Fuss all the time, one of the few albums they could agree on when they were starting out, and they never pass up the opportunity to scream the song to each other when they hear it, but –

But Harry’s backing away, not entirely but enough to put some distance between them. He looks uncertain, and Louis doesn’t know why because he’s fucking aching for him, but then clarity hits him.

He doesn’t want to kiss Harry. He doesn’t want another meaningless fling. He doesn’t want to fall for someone who’ll never love him back.

So he gives Harry a smile and then pulls him into a hug, because they’re friends, right? And he says, “Thanks for the dance,” in Harry’s ear, because that’s just polite, and then he turns away to scream-sing his favourite song with his best friend.

Two songs later, he’s still with Liam, and he spots Harry dancing with Nick. It looks just as intimate as their dance did. Louis tells himself he’s not jealous, he’s vindicated. He’s exactly right about Harry.

*

“Stop ignoring Harry, you wanker,” Zayn says, dropping down beside Louis in the grass and interrupting Louis’s Twitter perusal.

“I’m not,” Louis says.

He absolutely is. It’s been four days since their little club outing, they’re in a new town somewhere in the middle of Scotland, and he’s barely spoken to Harry since.

Zayn rolls his eyes. “You know I know you’re lying,” he says.

It’s funny. He may be ignoring Harry, and Liam may be running from Zayn every opportunity he gets, but Louis and Zayn’ve become quite friendly. Louis visits him when he’s with the lions and tigers, mostly, because they’re so cool, and they just hang out and talk about music and Marvel. It’s cool. Zayn’s cool.

Except he completely sees through Louis about the Harry thing, and he refuses to pretend otherwise.

“It’s just awkward,” Louis concedes.

“I’ve only known you, what, a week?” Zayn says. “And I already know that awkwardness hardly bothers you.”

“Not usually,” Louis mutters.

“Okay,” Zayn says. “Here’s what we’re gonna do.“ He pulls out a bag filled with cigarettes. Bit weird. “We’re gonna smoke, you’re gonna relax, we’ll call Harry out here and you’ll see how stupid you’re being.”

Oh. Not cigarettes, then. Okay.

He and Zayn have been saying they’ll have to smoke together, next day off. And it’s a day off. Well. Louis’s never been one to turn down free weed.

Half an hour later, and talking to Harry suddenly seems like a brilliant idea. Louis loves talking to Harry.

“Text ‘im, then,” Louis says, and Zayn smirks. Prick.

At least he does it. “He’ll be so glad,” Zayn says. “You don’t even know what a miserable bastard he’s been.”

Sounds like Liam, Louis thinks. But – what? The two situations aren’t comparable in the least. Harry obviously isn’t half in love with Louis, so – God, what the fuck.

Louis flops on his back and looks at the clouds to take his mind off it. The clouds are great today, fluffy and pretty and totally recognisable as shapes. If you squint. He sees a dinosaur, and a fluffy bunny, and something that totally resembles a penis, and – Harry’s head.

Harry’s standing over him. “Hi,” Harry says.

Louis sits up and Zayn pats the grass. “Take a seat,” Zayn says. “Want a smoke?”

“Oh,” Harry looks between them and then squeezes in the middle. “Yeah,” he says, taking the joint Zayn offers him. “Cheers.”

Louis knows he should say something, but what’s really important is that they both see the penis cloud before it disintegrates.

“Look,” he says, pointing up. “It’s a dick!”

Zayn bursts out laughing and so does Harry, except he’s just inhaled, so he ends up choking. Louis pats his back, feeling bad, and Zayn offers him the bottle of water he’d brought. Zayn’s so prepared.

“It really looks like a penis,” Harry says after he has a drink. His voice still sounds a bit wrecked, which is really not good for Louis at all. Then he giggles, which is more adorable than sexy. What is with this boy? He’s like the actual definition of a sex kitten.

Harry sighs happily. “I love penis jokes,” he says, and then, before Louis can question whether a penis cloud is really a joke, Harry smokes the rest of the joint like a pro.

Louis’s too busy watching his fucking gorgeous lips to realise that he should, like, maybe say something? About why he’s been avoiding Harry? But then Zayn passes out more joints, and before he knows it, Harry’s gone through three and Louis’s had God knows how many, but they’re all super buzzed.

Louis knows this, because Harry’s started stroking the scruff on Louis’s chin.

“So so soft,” he says quietly, like he’s in awe. His fingers feel so good, Louis closes his eyes and presses into it and thinks about how he never wants to be touched by anyone else again.

“I wanna feel it between my thighs,” Harry says, and Louis’s eyes snap open.

Harry looks stunned as well, and Zayn bursts into laughter again.

“I didn’t – I didn’t mean,” Harry stutters. “I should go, probably.” He starts to stand.

“No, wait,” Louis says, grabbing his wrist and pulling him back down. He wants Harry to stay. Everything’s better with him around. “Don’t go. You’re not allowed.”

Harry’s mouth quirks into a smile. “I’m not?”

“Nope,” Louis says, and then, to make sure, he rolls on top of Harry and pins him down.

He doesn’t quite realise what a terrible mistake he’s made until he can feel Harry’s beautiful touch all over his body and see Harry’s wide eyes.

“Got you,” Louis says lightly, deciding that this is fine. It’s fine. Mates can muck about like this. Everyone does it.

“You might have to stay,” Harry says. “I can’t promise I won’t escape if you’re not hold - holding me down.”

Oh God. What the fuck? How did this even happen? Why?

“Whoops, Perrie’s calling me,” Zayn says. His phone isn’t ringing, Louis doesn’t think. “Better go, I’ll see you lads later, here have the weed okay bye!”

And then he literally runs away, what the fuck. What does he think is gonna happen, they’re gonna fuck right here in the grass in front of the entire circus?

“I can still see the penis cloud, you know,” Harry says conversationally. “It’s right next to your head.”

“Nice,” Louis says. It’s gotten impossibly weirder, lying like this now that it’s only the two of them. “I have an idea,” he says. He rolls off Harry, still holding his wrist, then lies beside him and slides his fingers down so that they’re holding hands. And watching the clouds. Not fucking romantic at all. “Now you can’t get away,” Louis says.

“Wanna know a secret?” Harry says softly. “I’d never want to.”

God. Fuck. Fuck this boy, honestly, and fuck the butterflies swimming around Louis’s chest.

 _I’m glad I met you_ , he doesn’t say.

 _Marry me_ , he doesn’t say.

“Bet you I can find more stuff in the clouds than you,” he says.

“You’re on,” Harry says. Louis can hear the grin in his voice.

*

They settle in fairly quickly after that. Louis knows most people, remembers their names even, and he’s finally started feeling at home. Liam’s still weird with Zayn, but Louis’s gotten almost absurdly close with him; they smoke every chance they get and hang out with the tigers and lions the rest of the time. Louis’s tried to figure out his relationship with Perrie, because Zayn still seems a bit unhappy over the way things are with Liam, but that’s proved fruitless. Zayn’s a bit of a mystery, in some ways.

Liam says he doesn’t mind that they’re hanging out; he says he’ll join them once he gets over the worst of his crush. Louis feels a bit uncomfortable about it, but he likes Zayn, and besides, Liam’s been spending a lot of time with Niall and Harry and Ed.

Louis would consider himself proper friends with Harry now, too. It’s kind of strange, in a way, because he’s still sort of obsessed with Harry’s sparkling eyes and the way his curls fall across his face, but it’s also incredibly easy. Once Louis ignores the part of his brain that’s trying to make him fall in love with Harry, they just get on so well.

And then there’s Niall and Aiden, like the younger and older brothers Louis never had, and Ed, and the acrobats. Louis even gets along with the elephant riders now, as well as Paul, the circus manager, and James, his assistant. The manager at their old circus had hated Louis; he tends to be a bit unruly and difficult to manage, but Paul takes his pranks and wiliness with good humour. And James is just a massive laugh – he’s basically in charge of the aesthetics of the circus, and he takes Louis’s suggestions seriously. He’s also incredibly funny, and really good friends with Harry (and Nick, a sure lapse of judgement on his part), which is why Louis tends to see him when he wanders about the circus with Harry, looking for people to annoy.

He still misses his family like a phantom ache. He doesn’t think that will ever go away. But he feels very much like he’s accepted for who he is, here. It’s just nice.

*

Louis’s quickly discovered that Zayn spends most of his time in the big cat enclosure. He’ll be in there reading or drawing or writing almost every time Louis comes looking for him. The cool part is, he doesn’t mind being interrupted. It’s fast becoming one of Louis’s favourite parts of the circus.

Today, Zayn’s sitting with a sketchpad in his lap and a tiger stretched out at his feet. Zayn looks up when Louis lets himself into the enclosure and waves.

“Sup, bro,” he says quietly.

Louis shrugs. “Just wanted to hang.”

He’s still a bit wary of himself, inside the enclosure. Some of the lions are sleeping, and some tigers are just laying about doing nothing, but the others are all walking around, and Louis finds it hard not to think of them as skulking. They’re pussycats, really, he’d learned that after his first few minutes with them, but it’s hard to shake off the instinctual fear.

He sits beside Zayn anyway. The tiger at his feet rolls over and nudges Louis’s foot companionably.

Zayn smiles. “They like you so much,” he says. “You always been good with animals?”

Something like pride blossoms in Louis’s chest. Animals _have_ sort of always liked him, though it’s always been something he’s been mindful of jinxing. He feels like the moment he acknowledges it, the next animal he meets will hate his guts. And he doesn’t want that to happen; Louis loves animals. Their approval means a lot to him.

So he shrugs again. “I guess,” he says. “Never thought tigers would like me, though.”

Zayn chuckles. “Some of us just have the gift, man,” he jokes, and Louis grins too. Tentatively, he reaches out to pat the tiger’s head, and she leans into it and makes a sound like a purr. It’s kind of incredible.

“You have the best job, I swear,” Louis says.

“I know,” Zayn says.

Two of the youngest cats wander over, a lion and a tiger, presumably to investigate Louis. He ends up with a young lion in his lap, headbutting his hand as if asking to be pet. He obliges.

With one cat across his legs, one at his feet, and one beside him, he nudges Zayn. “Gonna show us what you’re working on, then?”

Zayn sighs, then he holds it up. “Don’t read too much into it,” he says. “Don’t want you getting a big head.”  
  
And – oh. It’s _Louis_ . And he’s _flying_.

“Wicked,” Louis says. “That’s so – that’s sick, man.”

“Thanks,” Zayn says, looking shy. “It’s this thing I’m doing? Sort of like a comic, but right now I’m just drawing the characters. It’s all my friends here, but we have superpowers. Based on our position in the circus.”

Louis’s in awe. “That’s so fucking cool,” he says. “Seriously, what a good idea.”

“Liam can fly too,” Zayn says, seemingly encouraged. “Harry can throw these beams out of his hands with precision, Niall makes people laugh and sort of controls their minds with it, Perrie’s super stretchy like Mr Fantastic. Aiden has super balance, and Ed can hypnotise with his guitar.”

“What about you?” Louis asks. “What can you do?”

“Oh,” Zayn says, eyes downcast. “I can talk to animals? It’s pretty lame, but like – ”

“No,” Louis says. “That’s fucking awesome!”

Zayn’s head shoots up and he smiles. “I figured we’d all fight crime and stuff,” he says.

“Like the Avengers?” Louis says.

“Yeah,” Zayn says. “But on a small scale. I wanna include the rest of the girls, too, I’m just figuring out their powers. D’you wanna see the others?”

Of course Louis does, is that even a question? He nods enthusiastically.

*

Louis can’t say he’s not shocked the day he finds Niall moping in the back of their trailer over a bowl of ice cream. He’s watching The Time-Traveller’s Wife. What the hell?

“What are you doing?” Louis asks. Niall jumps.

“Give me a heart attack,” he says.

Louis sits next to him on the couch. “Why are you watching this?”

“Harry gave me it,” Niall says. “Said it always makes him cry. I haven’t cried yet.”

Louis tries not to let that affect him, but it’s just so adorably _Harry_. “Why d’you want to cry?” he asks instead.

“’Cause,” Niall says, trailing his spoon through his melting ice cream. “Me and Barbara are probably breaking up.”

Oh. Louis doesn’t know Barbara well; she and Niall have been together for ages, apparently, and sometimes she’ll be around their trailer, but more often Louis sees her when he goes to visit Zayn. She’s one of the tiger handlers.

She and Niall seemed cute together, though. This is a bit sad.

“What happened?” Louis asks. “Are you okay?”

Niall sighs. “No,” he says. “And. I don’t know. She’s been distant lately, and we keep having stupid fights. I don’t think she wants to be here anymore.”

“Well, that doesn’t mean you have to break up,” Louis says.

Niall makes a noncommittal noise.

“Wanna cuddle?” Louis says, because he doesn’t think he can really give advice.

Niall nods. He puts his bowl on the floor and curls into Louis’s arms. This kid. Louis’s become attached to him so fast.

They watch the rest of the movie, and they both shed a few tears towards the end. They promise each other not to tell Harry about it.

*

Louis’s taken to going for walks around the campground every morning, which is something he’d have never done before coming here. He’s even able to admit to himself that he’s doing it in hopes he’ll run into Harry. He considers this character growth.

He’s walking past the elephant enclosure when he hears it. Harry’s voice.

“ _Everyone’s got somethin’ to hide, except for me and my monkey_ ,” Harry sings, just as Louis slips through the gate and sees him.

He’s lovingly singing to an elephant, running his hand along her trunk, which would be bad enough, but that’s Poppy’s elephant. Poppy’s elephant’s name is Monkey.

Harry is the _worst_.

“Do you have different songs that fit all the elephants, or is Monkey just special?” Louis asks, and Harry jumps.

Louis’s stunned, then, because Monkey doesn’t even flinch. She must trust Harry an extraordinary amount. How much time does he spend with them, anyway?

“Hi, Lou,” Harry says, a massive smile on his face. “S’not hard, is it? Most of the elephants are named after Beatles songs.”

And yes, Louis knows this. It’s something Ed had told him at least a week ago, when he’d properly introduced Louis to them. Ed’s elephant is Penny, Cara’s is Rigby, Alexa’s is Jude, Daisy’s is Maggie, and Taylor, because she has to be different, named hers Ringo.

This is a circus full of dorks.

Louis doesn’t think about what it says about him that he’s found it easier to remember the names of animals than he has people.

“They like it, I think,” Harry says. “They like hearing their names, and they like the singing.”

“I’m sure they do,” Louis says, and he’s actually not being sarcastic.

Harry smiles at him, and then turns back to Monkey. “I think we’re all finished, aren’t we babe?” he coos. “All fed and clean and happy, aren’t you?”

Monkey doesn’t do anything, but Harry seems to take it as agreement. He turns back to Louis.

“Wanna feed Penny with me? You can help me sing,” Harry offers.

“I can only guess what you’ll sing,” Louis says.

“Yep,” Harry says. “When I’m Sixty-Four.”

Louis snorts, and Harry beams. He turns back to say goodbye to Monkey, and she raises her trunk and boops him on the head.

Louis bursts into laughter, and then doubles over when Harry turns and Louis catches the stunned look on his face. Oh God. It’s the best thing ever.

“She’s never done that before,” Harry says, sounding amazed. Louis can’t stop laughing, and out of the corner of his eye he sees Harry actually stomp his foot. “I’ll lock you out of the enclosure if you don’t stop laughing at me.”

Louis chokes back the rest of his laughter at the pout on Harry’s face. “You wouldn’t,” he says. “But I’m sorry. It was just really cute, I wish you could’ve seen it.” He snickers again.

Harry smiles a bit. “Probably one of those things you wish you’d filmed for You’ve Been Framed. Or Youtube.”

Louis laughs. “Exactly.”

An hour later and they’ve just finished singing about dirty Maggie Mae to Maggie, who’s interrupted them twice to trumpet.

“I think that means she liked it,” Harry says. Ever the optimist.

“I don’t blame her,” Louis says. “What a great song. Short, though.”

"I know," says Harry, frowning a bit. “I feel bad about it. I often sing her an extra one."

Of course he bloody does.

“But I think Maggie liked our singing more than the song itself anyway,” Harry says, stroking her trunk. “She never acts like that when it’s just me. And plus – your voice is really good.”

He says the last bit like he’s embarrassed, but Louis feels like blushing himself. Nobody ever compliments his voice. And especially compared to the people here, the voices Harry hears every day, and Harry’s own voice – he wouldn’t believe it if he couldn’t tell that Harry’s being completely serious.

“We sound good together,” he allows.

“No,” Harry says. “I mean, we do, definitely, but Lou, I love your voice. Have I told you that before? It’s just so, like, scratchy and unique and pretty and – I dunno, I could listen to you sing for hours.”

“Oh God Harold, shut up,” Louis groans, covering his face before he does something drastic. Like spontaneously combust or kiss Harry in a garden of elephant poop.

Harry must move closer, because he pulls Louis’s fingers off his face. He’s grinning. “No,” he says. “You stand there and let me compliment you.”

“Ugh,” Louis says. “You’re the worst.”

Harry laughs, and then ducks in and kisses Louis’s cheek, quick as lightning. “C’mon, Lou, one more left! What shall we sing for Ringo?”

“Yellow Submarine,” Louis says promptly, forgetting his embarrassment for a second as Harry drags him to the last elephant.

Harry barks out a surprised laugh. “Perfect,” he says, and they sing. Louis’s self-consciousness has all but disappeared, and as Harry grins at him, he’s on top of the fucking world.

*

Before Louis knows it, there’s only a week until Halloween. James has put up pumpkins all over the campground, even let Louis carve penises into the ones out of the public eye, and there’s spooky decorations everywhere.

Also, Niall and Barbara are back together. Or, still together. Louis isn’t quite sure what happened there; last night Niall had come into their trailer and thrown his arms around Louis while yelling that she still loved him.

Louis’s come to tell Harry, because it’s second nature now. He’s not going to dwell on that.

“We should celebrate,” Louis says. “This and Halloween. We should have a party.” He does enjoy Halloween.

“Well,” Harry says, biting his lip. “As we’re in London... Nick’s friends are having a party... and he invited me...”

“Oh,” Louis says. He tries to ignore how hideously disappointed he is. “Right, yeah. Of course.”

“No, I mean,” Harry says. “He invited lots of people? Like, Zayn’s going, and Niall, and Perrie, and – you can come, you _should_ come.”

Louis purses his mouth in thought. Does he really want to go to a party thrown by one of Nick’s probably absurdly pretentious friends? Does he have any other choice? “Yeah, okay,” he says. “If I die of hipster exposure, I hope you’ll know it’s your fault.”

Harry giggles. “We can leave if you hate it,” he promises, and Louis feels unreasonably warm and gooey.

*

It’s not terrible.

Harry had insisted they dress up, but as they live in a traveling circus, their only real options were circus garb and face paint. Louis opted for a good old-fashioned vampire, painting his face white with black circles around his eyes and red dripping from his mouth. They managed to dig up a black velvet cape from the costumes trailer, God knows what it was ever used for but it’s perfect for Louis’s outfit. Very minimal effort.

Meanwhile, Harry’s basically ruining Louis’s life. Again. He’s gone as a cat. He’s gotten Lou’s assistant Eleanor to paint a full cat-face on him, and he’s satisfying his leotard obsession once again with an incredibly tight black one, along with black tights and honest to God cat ears and a tail. Louis doesn’t even know where he got those.

He looks like the worst kind of fantasy come to life.

The others have done alright. Zayn’s a traditional bearded lady, which really just means he’s thrown on an old Victorian-style dress from the costumes trailer, put on some mascara and not shaved. He looks outstanding and he’s made the least effort of all of them. Liam’s managed to cobble together a Jack Sparrow costume, and Niall’s a skeleton, in face-paint and a skeleton onesie that he’d already had for some reason.

Louis honestly doesn’t care about what anyone else is wearing. He hasn’t been able to keep his eyes off Harry since they met up back at the campground.

The party’s fine. There are so many people here that Louis can’t even tell if they’re pretentious twats like Nick. And they’re playing music that Louis likes; it doesn’t really matter if it’s ironically. He’s sitting in the reasonably empty garden with Harry, Zayn, Liam, Niall, and Perrie, away from the thumping music, and it’s surprisingly not at all awkward, when Nick comes out waving two full bottles of vodka. Jesy’s behind him with an armful of plastic shot glasses.

“We’ve decided we want to play a game,” Nick announces. “Befitting our beloved employer. We shuffle on Beatles songs, and we have to choose who the song most represents. Whoever picks correctly, _doesn’t_ have to take a drink but everyone else does. And whoever’s picked has to take a shot!”

It sounds like a pretty lame game to Louis, but maybe that’s because Nick came up with it. Everyone else agrees wholeheartedly, either because they love Syco’s theme or to mock it, he’s not sure, and of course, Harry has the entire Beatles discography on his phone. Nobody at all is surprised.

Perrie nominates herself as the song shuffler, taking Harry’s phone and hitting play.

“I’m Only Sleeping?” she says.

“Zayn!” Niall shouts immediately, and everyone laughs.

“That’s so, so perfect,” Harry manages, gasping between his laughter.

Zayn just smirks, almost serenely, and accepts the shot Nick gives him.

“She Loves You?”

“Niall,” Louis says, thinking of the whole Barbara incident. Niall groans, and everyone agrees.

“Ob La Di, Ob La Da.”

“Harry?” Nick says. “There’s something very Harryish about that song.”

Louis agrees, but he’s resentful of Nick for even knowing Harry, and for saying it first. “I dunno, it reminds me of Niall too,” he says.

“Nooo, I just had a turn,” Niall says.

“Yeah, there is something very Niall about ‘life goes on, bra’,” Liam grins.

“And something very un-Harry about marrying a lady,” Zayn says.

Wait. What?

“Heeeeey,” Harry says. “I want the house and kids, though. I could stay at home and do my pretty face while she’s a singer in a band, thank you.”

Zayn cracks up. “Sure you could.”

“Harry and Niall, then,” Jesy says, pouring them shots.

Perrie hits next. “Two of Us?”

“Liam,” Louis says, trying to bite back a smile. “And me, obviously.”

There’s a loud chorus of aww’s. Liam shoves him.

“I was gonna say you!” he says.

“Julia,” Perrie announces.

“You,” Zayn says, giving Perrie massive cow eyes, while Jesy mimes throwing up.

“You know that song’s about his mum, yeah?” she says.

Zayn shrugs. “Fits, though.”

Liam looks like a kicked puppy. Louis’s glad Perrie downs her shot quickly and moves on.

“Dear Prudence?”

Everyone pauses, thinking, and then Harry says, quiet, “Louis.”

And Louis’s taken aback. He’s not incredibly familiar with the song, was only introduced to it when Harry revamped his set, but isn’t it about a girl not coming outside? An agoraphobe, maybe? He frowns; he has no idea how he relates to that.

But Harry seems serious, so Louis tells himself to remember to listen to the song later. Nobody else really seems to know if they agree, so they let the song play for a bit, then Niall shrugs.

“Well, I dunno who else it’d be about,” he says. “If Harry says Lou, I’d agree. Give the man his shot!”

Everyone cheers, and Louis takes his shot, but he feels really weird.

“With A Little Help From My Friends.”

“Niall,” Zayn says, smirking. “Definitely.”

“Me again?” Niall groans, but he takes his shot happily enough.

“Here Comes The Sun.”

There’s a pause, and then, just as Louis accidentally murmurs Harry’s name, Liam says, “Zayn.”

Phew.

“I heard Harry, too,” Jesy says, pointing at Louis. What a traitor.

“So Harry and Zayn,” Niall says. “Shots shots shots!”

Zayn and Liam are all flushed, and Louis doubts he’s much better. And Harry’s biting his lip and staring at him.

What the fuck ever, Harry performs to that song every night. Of course Louis’s going to associate it with him.

“You’ve Got To Hide Your Love Away.”

“Louis,” Liam says.

Wow. What the fuck. Louis doesn’t object, but he knows his face is the picture of betrayal.

Perrie must catch it, because she switches the song just as Louis’s handed his shot. “She’s Leaving Home?”

Niall laughs wryly. “Um, all of us?”

“Hear hear,” Liam says, and Nick gets busy pouring shots for everyone.

This game is hitting too close to home, Louis doesn’t think he wants to play anymore. Luckily, a herd of Nick’s friends descend upon him and take him away, and Perrie and Jesy declare that they know the best recipe for cocktails and lead them all into the kitchen.

*

Later, Louis’s too drunk to think dancing with Harry is anything but the best idea. It’s fine, it’s all friendly and good until Beyonce comes on. Louis is powerless to resist Beyonce, and so is Harry, he knows, he knows Harry loves her, he’s caught him singing under his breath enough to know this. If anything, the only surprise is that Nick’s hipster friends are playing her.

It’s Drunk in Love, and it doesn’t get dangerous until Louis just has to shake his arse and swivel his hips to _graining on that wood_. It’s fucking required, okay, but when he meets Harry’s eyes – Harry’s who’s to his side, somehow with the perfect view of Louis’s arse and his hips – he realises that he’s made a terrible mistake.

Harry’s eyes are wide and dark and his lips are so red, and he looks filthy, everything he wants to do to Louis is written plainly across his face. Harry reaches out, like he wants to touch Louis but he doesn’t know if he should, and Louis breaks. He grabs Harry’s lovely hips and tugs him in, so they’re pressed together.

Drunk in Love rolls into Partition, like they’re next to each other in a playlist, and Harry lets out a whoop. Louis looks at his face again, finally, and he’s grinning.

“This is my favourite!” Harry yells. Of course it is.

And God. If he’d thought Harry was filthy before, he turns positively shameless.

He knows every word, and from “ _driver roll up the partition please_ ” he’s singing it right in Louis’s ear, voice deep and dirty, rolling his hips against Louis. Louis just tries to keep up and not pass out from how massively turned on he is.

As if the first verse wasn’t hell itself, once the chorus starts Louis honestly thinks he might die. Harry sings “ _take all of me, I just wanna be the girl you like_ ,” like he really means it, and it takes everything Louis has not to snog him senseless. He tries to think of the least sexy things possible. Liam in his underpants. _Nick_ in his underpants. Nick and Liam together in their underpants.

Then that’s shot to hell. “ _Handprints and footprints on my glass_ ,” Harry says, then he grabs Louis’s hands and pulls them behind him, presses them to his bum. _“Handprints and good grips all on my ass_.”

Oh fucking Christ. Jesus buggering shit. All Louis can really do is hold Harry by the arse and press them together and hope Harry can’t feel his semi. And then Harry sings the fucking French bit, low in Louis’s ear, and that’s it, Louis’s fully hard. Fuck.

At least it seems like Harry’s almost as turned on as he is.

Finally, thankfully, the song ends, and Louis startles back, like falling out of a trance.

“Whoops,” Harry says. He looks sheepish. And flushed. “Sorry. I’m – that song just does things to me.”

Louis laughs awkwardly. “S’okay, mate,” he says. “Think it does things to all of us.”

Harry gets a weird look on his face. “Yeah,” he says.

Louis absolutely cannot be here right now. He’s so turned on it’s uncomfortable. “I gotta go take a piss, I’ll be back,” he says abruptly.

As he makes his way out of the living room, he runs into Liam, who looks exactly like a startled bunny rabbit.

“What,” Louis says, grabbing him by the shoulders. Nothing takes his mind off his dick faster than Liam in distress. “What’s happened?”

“I don’t know,” Liam says slowly. “I just had the strangest conversation with Perrie.”

“Perrie?” Louis asks, sure his bafflement is written all over his face. “You actually talked to Perrie?”

“I know,” Liam says, like he can’t believe it either.

Louis steers him out into the hallway where the music is slightly less loud so that they can hear each other.

“I was talking to Niall and she came over and Niall, like, winked at her and left? And then she was saying all this stuff about how Zayn really likes me?” Liam frowns. “She said she likes me as well. I don’t know why she said all that.”

“Riiiight,” Louis says. None of that makes any sense to him. “I guess she wants to be friends. Maybe she’s feeling awkward with the way you, like, pointedly don’t talk to her?”

Liam’s frown deepens. “I never meant to make her feel bad,” he says. “I never expected her to be so nice to me, either.” He looks upset. “What should I do, Lou?”

Louis shrugs. “If you can handle it, just be friends with them both,” he suggests. “If you can’t, then don’t. You don’t have to sacrifice yourself to make others happy, you know?”

“Yeah,” Liam says, nodding. “I think I would like to have the both of them in my life. I really don’t like just ignoring Zayn while the two of you are such good friends. Not that I mind, I just, if I got over myself I feel like I could be really good friends with him too.”

“You could,” Louis says. He’s not sure if Liam gets it, though. “Sounds like you’re trivialising it, though. Your happiness and, like, your comfort is important, Liam.”

Liam smiles. “I know,” he says. “I just think I’m in my own way, yeah? Like, I could be happy just having Zayn in my life. And I’m stopping myself from having that.”

Louis gets that. It’s kind of what he’s doing with Harry, after all; just happy having him in his life.

He gets up on his tiptoes, peers into the living room, and spots Perrie doing shots with Jade and Leigh Anne.

“There’s your chance,” Louis says, pointing Liam towards them. “Shots! Come on.”

*

Louis ends up walking back to the campground with Harry, Ed, Niall and Barbara. Liam’s disappeared and so has Zayn, and the party was winding down and there wasn’t enough space to crash. Harry convinced him that the walk would be good (“Fresh air, Lou!”) and it was his enthusiasm more than anything that had Louis agreeing.

Niall and Barbara bugger off once they get to the campground, and that settles that – Louis won’t be going back to his own trailer tonight.

He goes back to Harry and Ed’s trailer with them, and Ed falls asleep on the bloody floor within minutes.

“Wanna come and sit on the roof with me?” Harry asks. Louis blinks.

“The roof?”

“Yeah. it’s a thing I do sometimes,” Harry says. “Mostly when I drink. It’s just nice? You can see the stars and the whole campground. Feels homey.”

Louis gives him a baffled smile. “Yeah, okay,” he says.

They climb up and sit, close but not touching. Harry was right; the view of the campground is quite nice. So many twinkling lights. He can see a bit of London, too; they’re on a bit of a hill. Louis feels kind of peaceful.

Then Harry pulls out a small baggie.

“I nicked some spliffs from Zayn,” he says, grinning cheekily. “You wanna?”

“Why young Harold,” Louis says, feigning appall. “I do believe I’ve rubbed off on you.”

Harry giggles. “That’s what she said,” he says, then lights his own joint and passes Louis the bag.

Louis sits back so that he’s half lying down and Harry does the same, and then they just sit, smoking and looking at the stars.

“D’you know why I really do this,” Harry says, his voice made even slower by the weed. “D’you remember the show Madeline? When I was a kid we had them all on video. There’s one episode where she and Pepito join the circus.” Harry takes a hit, tilts his head back and blows out the smoke. Louis is absolutely fascinated. “I always loved that episode. Always made me think being in a circus would be amazing. And there’s this one bit, where they’re traveling on top of the caravans at night, and they’re singing. And that’s why I come up here. Reminds me of that.” He sighs. “Reminds me of my sister. We used to sing the songs all the time.”

Louis gives him a bittersweet smile. It’s a nice story. He’s never heard Harry talk about his sister. “I remember the show,” he says. “I don’t remember that episode.”

“Maybe it’s on Youtube,” Harry says. “I’d like to hear the songs again.”

“We should hunt it down,” Louis says. “I just remember the one where her dog saves her from the river, or whatever. My sister had that video.”

Harry smiles. “Genevieve,” he says. “She was the best dog.”

Louis reaches out and holds his hand. Harry slides their fingers together.

“I liked that story,” Louis says. “Thanks for telling me.”  
  
“I like you,” Harry says. “I’m glad you’re here.”

“Me too,” Louis says. Harry leans his head against Louis’s shoulder.

“Where d’you wanna sleep, Lou?” Harry asks after a bit. “You can have your pick of beds.”

Louis wants to say _your bed with you_ more than anything in the world. “I’ll take Zayn’s,” he says instead.

*

([art by coastingonthisdream](http://i59.tinypic.com/fu1gjo.jpg))

*

“Lou?” he hears Harry whisper. “You awake?”

“Yeah,” Louis says.

“Can I – can I’ve a cuddle?”

Louis’s stomach swoops, but he can’t refuse Harry anything.

“Yeah,” he says, rolling out of Zayn’s bunk and into Harry’s. “Budge up.”

“Thanks,” Harry says. “Can I be little spoon?”

He’s so fucking cute. God. “Yeah,” Louis says, and they fit themselves together.

“Thanks,” Harry says again. “I get annoyingly clingy when I’m drunk.”

Louis laughs and buries his face in Harry’s hair. He smells fucking glorious. “S’okay babe,” he says.

It says something about where their relationship’s at, Louis thinks, that he doesn’t assume that the only reason Harry wants to snuggle is because he’s drunk and Louis’s there and anyone would do. He’s pretty sure he genuinely matters to Harry. More or less than anyone else, he doesn’t know, but he matters.

*

Louis wakes up alone, his head buried in a pillow that smells like Harry. Coconut and mango. He props himself up, rubbing at his eyes, and realises he’s not in his own bunk.

His hands come away with white paint on, and, oh. Everything comes flooding back.

Louis frowns, just starting to feel a bit put-off that Harry’s left him, when he catches a whiff of bacon. It pulls him into the kitchenette like siren song, which is where he finds Harry, in his boxers and a pink apron, maneuvering three frying pans on the small stove.

A combination of the smell and the sight wake Louis up completely, and then he notices it. The entire side of Harry’s head is white.

Louis bursts out laughing and Harry spins around.

“Morning?” Harry says, a confused smile on his face. “What’s so funny?”

“Your hair,” Louis manages. “I completely forgot to take my face-paint off. Why didn’t you tell me?”

Harry instinctively touches his hair, and then frowns at the powdery paint on his fingers. “Didn’t think,” he says, blinking up at Louis. “Guess I forgot, once you got into my bunk. Couldn’t properly see your face, I s’pose.”

Louis shakes his head fondly. “You’re a mess.”

He kind of likes it, though. Likes that anyone could look at the two of them, remnants of the same paint on Louis’s face and in Harry’s hair, and guess at what they’d been up to.

Like. It’d be the wrong assumption. But it’s still a nice thought.

Harry smiles like he likes it too, and makes no move to clean himself up. He turns back to the stove and digs his spatula into a pan.

“What’s all this, then?” Louis finally asks, dropping down at the table.

Harry shrugs, his back still to Louis. His long, bare, beautiful back. “Thought we could do with a fry up,” he says, like it’s not the nicest thing anyone’s done for Louis while hungover.

Harry makes bacon, eggs, sausage, and French toast, and it might be the best breakfast Louis’s had since he left home.

“That’s it,” Louis says after he finishes his eggs. “You’re cooking for me every day.”

Harry giggles. “Okay,” he agrees easily. Louis will hold him to that. “Glad you liked it.”

Louis shakes his head. “You’re a proper chef, aren’t you,” he says. “Been hiding it from me all this time!”

“I didn’t want you to like me just for my cooking,” Harry jokes, batting his fucking eyelashes. He’s the worst.

“Too late,” Louis says. “That’s the only reason I like you now.”

Harry sticks his tongue out, and then Louis’s phone chimes with a notification from Liam.

Liam’s tweeted – Liam’s tweeted _thattt was the BEST night ever in my lifeeeeee_ , and Louis drops his fork. Good thing he’s pretty much finished, because he has to get back to his trailer. He has to know what happened.

“Lou?” Harry says. “What’s wrong?”

He shows Harry his phone. “I’ve gotta know what happened,” he says. “Thanks so much for breakfast, and everything, I’ll come and see you soon.” He gobbles up his last bit of bacon and gives in to his urge to kiss Harry on the forehead.

Harry looks a bit dazed. “Okay,” he says. “Let me know what it is.”

*

It’s. It’s the best thing that’s ever happened to Liam, maybe.

“Polyamorous, Lou!” Liam yells again. “Zayn’s polyamorous!”

“So, okay,” Louis says, glad that Niall and Aiden are nowhere to be seen. “Tell me again what that means.”

“It means Zayn’s fancied me since we came here,” Liam says gleefully. “Okay, so. He and Perrie aren’t exclusive, I guess? Like, they’re in love, but she sleeps with Jade and Jesy and Leigh Anne, you know, the other acrobats – ”

Louis blinks. He’s as gay as they come, and he’s still rendered a bit speechless by that image.

Also, no wonder Zayn had laughed when Louis said their act was rather queer.

“And Zayn’s bi, and he sometimes sleeps with random people,” Liam says. “Circus groupies, you know.”

Louis knows. They’re rare, but he’s seen them – Modest! was crawling with them, and sometimes here he sees Harry or Nick chatting with people after shows and it looks a bit too indecent to be innocent.

“But they’re basically only in a relationship with each other. But Zayn said,” Liam looks gleeful. “Zayn said they’d like to try a sort of threeway relationship. With me. If I wanted. And sometimes Perrie will still hook up with the other acrobats, and sometimes me and Zayn’ll do it without her, but like – she’s hot, Lou. And he’s – he’s Zayn, oh my god.”

“So you said yes,” Louis gathers.

“Obviously,” Liam says. He looks so positively happy, Louis can’t be anything other than happy for him.

“C’mere,” Louis says, pulling him into a hug. “S’a bit weird, maybe, but I’m happy for you.”

“Thanks, Lou,” Liam says. “Can you believe he’s liked me this whole time?”

Louis thinks of the wistful way Zayn looks at Liam. “Yeah,” he says. “I kind of can.”

He texts Harry after, a loud _YOU DIDN’T TELL ME ZAYN AND PERRIE WERE POLYAMOROUS HOW COULD YOU._ Harry replies with _I didn’t know it’d be important! Liam???_

Louis keeps him hanging for five minutes, because his best friend could’ve avoided weeks of anguish if Harry had let him in on this one little thing, but then he can’t wait any longer and spills out the whole story.

He’s so fucking happy, is the thing. It might be a bit unorthodox, but he’s never seen Liam like this. Louis’s so, so glad.

*

Louis’s taken to having breakfast with Harry most days. Sometimes it’s because he’s fallen asleep in Harry’s trailer, but usually Louis just makes his way over when he wakes up. Harry’s kitchen is always better stocked than Louis’s, and he’s the best kind of cook – really good, and really willing to share. It’s almost like he’s looking to please Louis, because more often than not he makes a full English breakfast or pancakes, which are both Louis’s favourites. And technically, Niall’s a decent cook as well, so Louis could just hang out in his own trailer, wait for Niall to wake up and pester him into making something. But Niall never does it happily, the way Harry does. It’s such a hassle.

Maybe Louis just likes how it feels to have Harry wait on him.

Sometimes, though, Louis regrets this choice. Usually when Harry’s decided to basically deep-throat a banana. Why? Why does he eat like that, darting his tongue out before he puts it in his mouth? It’s the most innocently suggestive thing Louis’s ever seen.

How on earth is this boy so sexual without even trying?

After breakfast, they’ll usually wander about the campground annoying people, or practice at the Big Top, or sing to and groom the elephants. Sometimes all three, on non-show days. Today’s a practice day, though, because Louis’s gotten inspired.

Harry watches him work through his one-man Bohemian Rhapsody show, rather than practicing his juggling like he usually does. He looks awed when Louis finishes.

“You’re so good, Lou,” he breathes when Louis comes down to get a drink. “I know I tell you that all the time, but really. You’re the best I’ve ever seen.”

“Aw, Styles,” Louis says, giving him a sweaty one-armed hug. “You’re too sweet.”

Harry shakes his head. “Just honest,” he says. “Do it again?”

Louis does, entirely because he still hasn’t scratched the itch under his skin screaming at him to add new choreography. It has nothing to do with Harry’s big, shiny eyes.

*

He’s hanging out with Niall and Ed after a show when a vaguely familiar blonde girl comes up to them. Louis’s fairly positive she’s not supposed to be back here, whoever she is, and he’s about to say so when she speaks.

“Hi,” she says. “Do any of you know Harry Styles?”

Well, of course they know him, everyone knows everyone here – and then Louis gets it. She looks like a blonde, female Harry. They have to be related.

Duh. Why else would she be looking for him?

Shit. Louis has no idea if Harry wants to see his family, but he knows he talks to them about as often as Louis talks to his. In other words, never.

“Yeah, ‘course we do,” Niall says.

“Who are you?” Louis asks, rather abruptly, before Niall can say anything else.

“Gemma,” the girl says, raising an eyebrow. “His sister?”

Yeah. Fuck.

“I’ll find him,” Louis says, because that’s probably the best option. “Wait here?” He shoots a look at Niall and Ed that hopefully says _keep her occupied_. Thank God, the universal assumption here is that most of them have family issues, and so they do.

He heads to the make-up trailer and finds Harry still chatting to Lou as she wipes Jade’s make-up off.

“Um, Haz,” Louis says, and Harry looks up and smiles the way he always does when he sees Louis, like everything’s suddenly perfect. “I need to talk to you.”

Harry smile dims a bit. Crap, Louis had really tried not to sound ominous.

Louis waits until they’re outside, and then he says, “So, this might be a bit of a surprise.”

“Okay,” Harry says warily.

“Remember how you have a sister?” Louis says.

“Yeah,” Harry says, furrowing his brows adorably. “Oh. Shit. We’re in Sheffield.”

“We are,” Louis says.

“My sister goes to uni in Sheffield. She’s – she’s here, isn’t she?”

“She is,” Louis says helplessly. Harry folds in on himself suddenly. He looks up at Louis with these big, scared eyes.

“What am I s’posed to do?” he asks. He sounds lost. Louis’s heart aches. He reaches out and wraps an arm around Harry’s shoulders, pulling him in for a cuddle.

“It’s up to you, babe,” he says gently. “You don’t have to see her. I can go back and make up an excuse, or just say I couldn’t find you.”

Harry makes a little whimpery sound. Louis thinks that might mean he doesn’t want to do that.

“Or, you can see her. I can stay with you if you want. And Niall and Ed too, they’re keeping her busy now.”

Harry doesn’t say anything.

“At least she’s made an effort?” Louis tries.

Harry takes in a big breath and pulls himself up a bit. “She’s gone to all the trouble to track me down,” he says. “It’d be rude not to see her.”

“Oh Haz,” Louis says. “You don’t have to do anything you don’t want to do.”

“Yeah,” Harry says, sighing. “But I do want to see her. I – Louis, I miss her. I miss them.” He sounds so small and sad, Louis has to tighten his arm.

“That’s okay,” Louis says. “I miss mine too.”

“I’d like you to stay with me, if you will,” Harry says. “Please?”

“Yeah, of course,” Louis says. “Are you ready? We should go.”

Harry sucks in another deep breath. “Yeah. Okay.”

*

Harry grabs Louis’s hand when he sees her. Louis shoves aside all of his bubbling feelings and tries to focus on being supportive.

“It’ll be okay, Hazza,” he says, and then Gemma turns around.

Her face does this strange thing where she’s smiling but it looks like she wants to cry. “Harry!” she cries, then darts over and throws her arms around him.

Harry’s clearly startled; he hugs her back with one arm but he doesn’t let go of Louis’s hand.

“Sorry,” Gemma says, backing up. “I just – I missed you so much.”

“It’s okay,” Harry says, shuffling a bit.

“God, look at you,” Gemma says. “You’re so grown up! And so tall.”

“Yeah,” Harry says. “You’re, um. Your hair’s different.”

“Yeah,” Gemma says, touching it. She looks a bit out of sorts. Louis wonders if this was what she was expecting. “Um. Can we talk alone?”

Niall and Ed have already faded away, so there’s only one person she could mean, but Harry grips Louis’s hand tighter.

“No,” he says. “Sorry, but, um. Louis stays.”

“Okay,” Gemma says. She bites her lip. God, she looks like Harry.

“What is it?” Harry asks. “Is anyone hurt? Did someone die?”

“No, no,” Gemma says quickly. “Mum got married, and I finished uni. Everything else is the same.”

“Then what?” Harry says. “Why’d you track me down?”

“I – ” Gemma frowns. “I missed you, H, obviously.”

Harry looks down. “I’ve been gone for almost five years,” he says. “You haven’t tried before.”

“You disappeared!” Gemma cries. “You have no idea what it was like. You broke Mum’s heart, you know? I had to take a semester off uni just to be with her. Thank God she had Robin, or she’d’ve lost it.”

Harry looks so guilty, and Louis resents Gemma for it. He’s sure Harry had good reasons. He’s such a kind person, there’s no way he’d hurt his family if he thought he had any other choice.

Maybe Louis just knows what it’s like.

“How’d you find me?” Harry mumbles, not meeting her eyes anymore, and Louis gives his hand a squeeze.

“I’ve got Google alerts set up for your name basically since you left,” Gemma says. “For ages all you had online was the Facebook account you blocked us all from. We figured you didn’t want to be found, but we had to try anyway. Mum was onto the police as well, since you were underage, but they were pretty useless and once you turned eighteen they said you were an adult and you could make your own decisions.” She looks disgusted at that. “We didn’t even know if you were alive. Sometimes I’d log out of Facebook and go to your profile to see if your picture had changed, just to know you were okay.” Her voice has started shaking, and Louis starts to feel a bit sick. Shit. “A few months ago your circus put up a website, and it had the names of everyone in it. And I guess a journalist did a piece on you guys and used that to find your name, ‘cause the article showed up in my alerts a couple weeks ago. I couldn’t go traveling because of work, so I looked up when you were coming here, which was luckily rather soon.”

“I’m sorry,” Harry blurts. He looks distraught. “I never meant to put you all through that – I just. I needed to get out.”

“It’s okay, H. And if you want me to go, I will,” Gemma says. “I just needed to see you. And I wanted you to know how much we miss you, and we love you. You don’t have to come home, nobody’s gonna ask that of you, but we’d love to have you in our lives, if you’re okay with that.”

Harry stares at her for a long time. Meanwhile, Louis’s pretty sure his own heart is shattering.

“You mean you don’t – you don’t hate me?” Harry asks, in a very tiny voice, and that’s it. Louis’s heart breaks.

What on earth could’ve happened to convince this beautiful, lovely boy that his family didn’t want him around? Especially given the way Gemma’s acting.

Gemma looks heartbroken as well. “Of course not,” she says. “I’m actually – I saw your show, you know. I’m actually proud of you, you were really amazing out there.”

Harry finally lets go of Louis’s hand and hugs Gemma properly.

“I missed you so much,” Louis hears him say.

Louis starts to feel like he should give them some time. He thinks Harry’s okay now.

He touches Harry’s back, startling him out of his hug.

“Hey, Haz,” he says. “I think I should leave you both alone for a bit, yeah? You probably have a lot to talk about. If you’re okay. I’ll be there in a jiff if you need me, I’ll just be in my trailer.”

Harry’s eyes are so soft and fond and just plain happy and it’s such a relief. “Yeah,” he says. “Thanks, Lou. That’s a good idea.” He turns to Gemma. “We can go to my trailer? I owe you an explanation, at least.”

Gemma nods, and Louis rubs Harry’s back one last time.

“Really good to meet you,” Louis says to Gemma. “I’m glad you found him.”

“Thanks,” Gemma says. She looks a bit surprised. “Good to meet you too.”

“Thanks, Lou,” Harry says again.

“Anytime, Hazza,” he says, and heads to his trailer.

Louis stays up til three AM playing Fifa with Niall, and doesn’t hear from Harry until right before he goes to sleep, when he gets a text saying _Thanks again lou. Had such a good talk with Gems, i’ll tell you about it tmrw. Hope this doesn’t wake you._ Then one right after that, just saying _i’m so glad I have you .xxx_ , and Louis’s heart jumps into his throat.

 _Still awake,_ he texts back. _I’m really glad it went well . And i’m also really glad I have you too . Sleep tight xx_

Of course Harry texts back _Don’t let the bed bugs bite .xxxx_. Louis would’ve been surprised if he didn’t.

*

Gemma’s still there the next day. Louis goes over to have breakfast with Harry and she opens the door.

“Morning,” Louis says, a bit thrown. “Where on earth did you sleep?”

“My bed,” Harry answers for her from inside. Louis steps in and finds him in the tiny kitchen. “Zayn stayed with Perrie so I took his. I’m making pancakes,” he adds.

“Oh, good,” Louis says. He sits at the tiny table and Gemma joins him.

“Must say, I’m impressed. You’ve managed to fit a full kitchen into, like, two cupboards,” Gemma says.

“Yep,” Louis agrees. “Harry’s the circus’s domestic goddess.”

Harry laughs. “S’just working storage placement out, it’s not that hard.”

“You haven’t seen my flat,” Gemma says.

“You _have_ seen my trailer,” Louis points out. “Your skills in this area are top-notch, Harold, and I won’t hear otherwise.”

Harry giggles some more. “Okay,” he agrees, and flips the pancake in front of him. Nonchalantly. Like it’s not an outstanding feat.

After breakfast, during which Harry seems completely normal and Louis learns that Gemma is actually hilarious and wonderful, they take Gemma on a walk around the grounds.

“Harry said you’re part of the trapeze act,” Gemma says. “You were so good last night. I’d love to be able to do that.”

“Maybe I can teach you sometime,” Louis says, and Harry and Gemma give him almost identical smiles.

They introduce Gemma to everyone they come across, which ends up being about half the circus. They stop at the elephant enclosure the longest; Gemma seems to love them almost as much as Harry does. When they walk past the tigers, Louis sees Zayn in with them, and he excuses himself to go inside. He thinks Harry should have some more alone time with his sister.

*

Louis tries to give Harry space while Gemma’s there, but he’s just itching to know what’s been happening. Eventually she leaves, and Louis zips over to Harry’s trailer as soon as he texts to say so.

“Sooooo,” he says when Harry opens the door. “Wanna let me in on all your news?”

Harry grins. “Yeah,” he says. “Come in, the other lads aren’t here.”

Harry makes them both tea and they sit down at the table. For the thousandth time, Louis wishes that Harry’s trailer had the same comfy living area as most of the others. It’s weird that they don’t hang out in Louis’s trailer more, given that it’s so much more comfortable.

“Where should I start?” Harry says, blowing on his tea.

“Dunno,” Louis shrugs. “How was last night?” He takes a sip. Perfect, as always. Harry’s probably the first person who’s ever been able to make his tea just as he likes it.

“Really good,” Harry says. His dimples are like craters when he smiles, and he bites his lip as if to tamper it down. “I told her everything, why I left and everything, and she just – she wasn’t mad at me. Like, I know I upset everyone so much and I know she still wished I’d done things differently, but she was much more understanding than I expected. I think, like, to know they still love me is – it’s just so much, you know? It’s like the biggest weight’s been lifted. I didn’t think I’d ever see any of them again.”

Louis smiles. He’s happy for Harry, he really, really is, but his stomach’s rolling a bit. There’s a tiny voice in his head saying _that should be you_.

“Are you gonna see your mum?”

Harry’s smile widens. “I talked to her, Lou! I didn’t tell you. Gemma called her and she wanted to talk to me, and – it was like, the hardest thing, I was so scared, but she was just – she’s my mum, you know? And she still loves me.” He looks overwhelmed. “I cried a bit, I’m not gonna lie.”

Louis grins. “You cried a lot, didn’t you?”

Harry laughs. “Yeah,” he says, covering his face like he’s embarrassed.

Louis reaches over and pulls his hand away, then doesn’t let go. “I’m really happy for you, Haz,” he says.

“Thanks,” Harry says, full of warmth. “I am gonna go and see her, by the way. Christmas Day, I think, after we’ve had our lunch here. We’ll be in Manchester, which isn’t far away. Gemma said she’ll drive out and pick me up.”

“That’s so great,” Louis says.

“Well, and I was wondering – I mean you can definitely say no, I know it’s asking a lot.” Harry bites his lip, clearly very nervous. “But, like, I’m gonna be really anxious, I know, and – I dunno, everything’s easier when you’re there? So I was wondering if maybe you’d come with me?”

Louis just stares for a second, in sort of disbelief that Harry would ask him of all people.

“God, sorry, I shouldn’t’ve even asked,” Harry says. “Forget I – ”

“No, I want to,” Louis says, finally unsticking his tongue. “Sorry, love, I was just surprised. I’ll come if you really want me to.”

Harry’s mouth drops open. “You will?” he says, and Louis nods. “Oh, shit, wow, thank you so much. I can’t believe – this can be my Christmas present, okay?”

Louis laughs. He looks so serious. “Sure, babe,” he says.

“No, really,” Harry says. He grabs Louis’s other hand. “I know it won’t be easy for you. If you change your mind at all, let me know, okay? Even if it’s Christmas Day. Any second thoughts, I want to know.”

Louis can’t help smiling. Any misgivings he might’ve had are quickly vanishing. “I’ll be fine, I promise,” he says. “I want to be there for you.”

Harry brings their joined hands to his lips and kisses Louis’s knuckles. “You’re the best, you know that?”

“I’m well aware,” Louis jokes, and Harry smiles like he’s incredibly witty.

There’s a brief silence where Harry’s just looking at him like he hung the moon and Louis’s starting to feel squirmy, when suddenly Harry says, “I never told you why I ran away, did I?”

Louis shakes his head. “Tell you mine if you tell me yours?”

Harry smiles shakily. “Okay.” He takes a breath, and Louis squeezes his fingers. “So, um, basically... I came out when I was fifteen. I’d just started sixth form, at a new school, and I was tired of hiding who I was, I s’pose.”

Louis doesn’t know what he means by ‘came out’, gay or bi or something else, and it should make him happy because however unlikely, _maybe he has a chance_ , but his stomach sinks instead. He doesn’t like where this is going.

“It was a really prestigious college,” Harry says. “And there was this group of boys, their fathers were all on the school board so they got away with murder. And they really didn’t like gay people.” He bites his lip. “It just – it got really ugly. And, like – physical. I didn’t know what to do. I told my mum, and she went to the school, but like I said – so they didn’t do anything. And then Christmas holidays came around, and the thought of going back to school – I couldn’t do it. I had to get out. It was the fight or flight thing, you know? And I couldn’t fight them, it was just me, I’d lost all my friends when I came out. And – ”

“You what?” Louis interrupts. “Haz, what the fuck? That’s awful.”

Harry shrugs. “By that point I hadn’t had many left anyway. I’d lost contact with a lot of people from my old school, and I hadn’t made solid enough friends at the new one. So, yeah. Um, so my mum was going through a lot at work, and Gemma had left for uni that year, and I realise now that they would’ve done anything for me but at the time I just felt so alone. I was fifteen, you know? I was stupid. So when school went back, I got to the front gates that first day back and I just couldn’t go in. I was so, so scared. So I just kept walking, and I came across Syco.” He shrugs. “That was pretty much that.”

“Oh Harry,” Louis says. He’s so fucking upset, he hates the thought of anyone hurting this beautiful boy, and the idea of him feeling that alone. “Could you have changed schools?”

Harry shakes his head. “Not really? There wasn’t really another school nearby and Mum had paid so much for me to go and it was nonrefundable. I just – I felt like a brat for even complaining. I mean, like I said, I was stupid. It didn’t feel like there was any other option.” He sighs. “When I found Syco, Zayn was out the front smoking. I ended up telling him everything, and he told me why he was there. His story was so like mine, and he’d ended up so much happier, it just seemed like the best choice. I’ve always been a decent singer, and a decent juggler, and I thought, well, if nothing else I can look after animals, so Zayn took me to talk to Paul. That night, I packed up my stuff and left. I’d worked at a bakery for almost two years, so I had plenty saved up. And yeah. That’s pretty much it.” He looks so guilty. “I really hadn’t thought about what it’d do to Mum. Or Gemma. I just felt like a burden, you know? I didn’t want to be there anymore but I didn’t want to trouble them either.” He swallows and looks down at their joined hands. “What I said to Gemma last night was, at the time I felt like my only choices were to run away or kill myself.” He swallows again. “And I really didn’t want to die. I just couldn’t be there anymore.”

That’s it. Louis stands up, goes around the table and pulls Harry to his feet. “Cuddle time,” he says, bringing Harry in close.

Harry sniffles and buries his face in Louis’s shoulder.

“My story isn’t so different,” he says as he rubs circles into Harry’s back. “I’ve been doing trapeze since I was a kid, I chose to keep doing it instead of football. So that caused issues with me and my stepdad, I came out, which caused more issues, and we were fighting all the time. And then he and my mum were fighting all the time. And I dunno, it looked like they were heading for a divorce and I didn’t want that. I didn’t want to ruin their marriage. So I thought if I left they’d be happier.” He shakes his head. “I was stupid too, but I was eighteen and should’ve known better. Bloody self-deprecating teenagers.”

Harry chuckles wetly.

“Now I realise that, if anything, me leaving probably tore them apart even more and hurt my mum something terrible. S’funny, though. I left just after Christmas as well. And if you were fifteen - ”

“It would’ve been the same year,” Harry realises. “What the hell. What’re the chances?”

Bloody fate, is all Louis can think.

Harry cuddles into him. “Have you ever thought about contacting your family?” he asks quietly.

“I’ve thought about it,” Louis says. “Couldn’t even imagine doing it, though. I miss them so much but I – I dunno, I let them all down, really. Like, I have them all blocked on Facebook too, but I have checked in on them. Mum and Mark got divorced. My sisters are practically grown up. The twins wouldn’t even recognise me, probably.”

“Maybe I’m just being optimistic,” Harry says. “Maybe because I can’t imagine anyone not wanting to hear from you? But you sound just like I did.”

Louis doesn’t say anything, because he’s right. It’s what he’s been trying to squash this whole time, the hope that because it happened for Harry, it could happen for him.

“I’m not saying contact them,” Harry says. “I mean, do what you want, but. I just don’t want you to feel the way I did if there’s a chance.”

“I get what you mean,” Louis reassures him. “It’s just that. I don’t think I could handle knowing that they hate me.”

“Believe me, I know,” Harry says. He sighs. “I just wish you could feel as relieved as I do. That’s all.”

Louis smiles sadly and runs his hand through Harry’s curls. Every day he’s becoming more and more convinced that Harry is the sweetest boy in the universe.

“Maybe you could just unblock them on Facebook,” Harry suggests. “So that way you don’t have to put yourself out there, but the channel of communication is open, you know?”

“Yeah,” Louis says. It’s a good idea. Maybe it’s time. “I probably will.”

Harry burrows in again. “Thanks for being here for me, Lou.”

“’Course,” Louis says. “Nowhere else I’d rather be.”

*

One night in December, Harry and Cher are about to go onstage, and Nick introduces them as “a devil with the voice of an angel and the prettiest person in the universe, you can decide which is which”, and Louis realises. He’s been spending an awful lot of time in Harry’s trailer, but he very rarely sees Nick. Like, Zayn’s spreading himself pretty thin between his girlfriend, his boyfriend, and his alone time, so Louis never questions why he’s hardly around, but it’s just dawned on him that Ed’s the only other person who’s in that trailer as much as he is.

Where the hell has Nick been? And why?

It’s not like Louis really cares. The sheer fact that it’s taken him at least a month to notice his absence should be evidence of that. But he’s curious about Harry’s friendships slash flirtations. And if they’re waning, and why.

He’s impatient and distracted throughout Harry’s set, and the rest of the show, which doesn’t make for a very safe performance. Once it’s over, he goes to the acrobats’ trailer to wipe off his make-up. It’s a bit out of the ordinary for him – usually he’s with Harry, whether that be in Lou’s trailer or somewhere else – but he knows that this is where Zayn goes after he finishes with the cats for the evening. And he needs to talk to Zayn.

He takes his make-up off with Jade, who, as one of the acrobats, has the same face full of paint as he does. Leigh-Anne joins them in the tiny bathroom and he gets caught up in talking to them, so much that it’s a surprise when Jesy bangs her way in and says that Zayn, Perrie and Liam are all on the couch in the back and asking after him.

Louis’s face has been clean for like twenty minutes, so he squeezes past the girls and out into the bunk area.

“Hey,” Zayn says. Louis whirls around.

They’re making up a sort of human train, sideways along the couch, with Perrie sitting between Zayn’s legs and Zayn leaning against Liam. Zayn’s playing with Perrie’s hair while she takes a hit from his skull-shaped bong.

“Hey guys,” Louis says. He climbs up onto the arm of the couch, his feet brushing Liam’s side. Liam half-heartedly pushes at him, but he’s holding the bowl of weed and clearly doesn’t want to do anything that might make him drop it. Like provoking Louis into kicking him.

“What brings you over into our den of iniquity?” Zayn asks.

Louis doesn’t know what that means. “You need to stop reading so much,” he says. “And tell me. What’s happened with Harry and Nick?”

Perrie’s blowing out a stream of smoke and doesn’t seem to care about this conversation, but Liam looks confused, and Zayn gives him a sympathetic look that Louis doesn’t understand. When Perrie hands the bong to Zayn, he passes it to Louis.

“You should take a hit or two before we talk about it,” Zayn says, which. What the fuck? Is he trying to make Louis nervous?

Liam helps Louis pack the bong, which is fairly nice of him considering Louis doesn’t think he’s smoking tonight. Liam only really smokes on special occasions.

After Louis’s taken two hits, and Perrie’s gone to get herself some water and some biscuits, Zayn decides he’s ready to hear the story.

Zayn gives him a steadying look, takes a breath, then says, “Nothing’s really happened between them.”

Louis almost throws the bong at him. “Honestly,” he yells. “What the fuck?”

Zayn smiles. “Sorry,” he says. “Well. Something happened, but, like. The something was you.”

“Oh,” Louis says. Liam takes the bong off him and starts packing it for Zayn. “Wait, what? So Nick’s been avoiding his own trailer because I’m there?”

Zayn shrugs. “He’s there as much as I am,” he says, which really doesn’t mean much. “I don’t know if Harry’s really realised. I mean, Nick makes a lot of comments. Like, when are you moving in, stuff like that. Where you can tell he doesn’t mean it in a nice way.”

Perrie comes back with two bottles of water and a packet of chocolate biscuits. She gives Louis a bottle and settles back against Zayn.

“I think Nick’s just jealous of you,” Zayn says. “And, like, Harry has you now, and he doesn’t know what to make of that.”

Perrie makes a face as she opens the biscuit packet. “Yeah, because Harry’s moved on to someone new,” she says. She reaches over and offers Louis one. “Here, love, have a biscuit.”

Louis takes one, feeling wary. “What do you mean?”

“Well, Harry’s prone to having, like, fickle obsessions with people, inn’e?” Perrie says. “Like, a flavour of the month type thing.”

Liam and Zayn frown, almost in unison.

“I don’t know if that’s true,” Zayn says.

“C’mon,” Perrie says. “There’s always someone he likes best, that he spends all his time with, and then once he finds a new fascination, he drops them.”

Zayn’s shaking his head, and he opens his mouth, but Perrie cuts him off.

“First it was Ed,” she says, counting off on her fingers. “Then Taylor. Then Michael. Then Cal from tech. Then James. Then Nick. And now it’s Louis.” She gives him a sad look. “Sorry, love. D’you want another biscuit?”

“No thanks,” Louis says. He feels like his insides are upside down. Is that all he is to Harry? A passing fancy until someone shinier catches his eye?

“I don’t think it’s like that,” Zayn says.

“It’s not necessarily a bad thing,” Perrie says. “Like, he just has a lot of love for people. And he’s not great at focusing on more than one person at a time.”

Zayn shakes his head. “No, because, what about me and Niall?” he says. “We’ve always been there. And Lou Teasdale, he’s always been close with her.”

Perrie shrugs. “You two’re his best friends.”

“No, but,” Zayn says. “I think Louis is his actual best friend. I’ve never seen him like this with anyone before.”

That settles something in Louis’s stomach. “Oh,” he says.

“You’re so important to him,” Zayn says seriously. “You matter more to him than pretty much anyone, I think.”

“Okay,” Louis says. He’s trying not to get his hopes up.

“Well,” Liam says. “Sounds to me like, didn’t you say Nick was avoiding Harry? Couldn’t it be more that Harry makes new friends and then his old friends get jealous or assume they’re not wanted? Rather than anything he does?” Liam seems to get a bit flustered with all of them looking at him, as if he thinks he can’t comment on Harry, having not known him for very well very long. “I mean. He seems like a good lad. I don’t think he’d just drop people like that.”

“I don’t think he does either,” Zayn says. “You’re probably closer to the truth than this one is.” He pinches Perrie’s side, and she squirms. “Stop scaring Louis!”

“I didn’t mean to,” Perrie says. “You know Harry better than I do. S’just what I always thought he did, that’s all.” She takes the forgotten bong from Zayn and gives it back to Louis, as if in apology. “I’m sorry, love.”

Louis takes it from her and says it’s okay, but he can’t help feeling a bit ill, even when the other girls join them. They smoke and talk and eat chocolate biscuits, and Louis feels uneasy. Eventually, after a few hours, he gives in to his overwhelming need to see Harry.

They’ve basically hot-boxed the trailer. Once he’s outside, the fresh air immediately goes to his head. He wobbles his way over to Harry’s.

When Louis knocks on Harry’s door, Nick answers.

“Oh,” Nick says, looking displeased. “Hello.”

“Hey,” Louis says, frowning. He’s really feeling like he should ask why Nick hates him, but whatever sense of self-preservation he has left keeps his mouth shut.

Harry appears at the door, luckily. He lights up when he sees Louis. “Hi, Lou!” he says, and bounds down the steps. “Let’s go for a walk, yeah? See ya, Nick.”

This happens too fast for Louis to register, so it’s not until they’re walking away that he realises that Harry’s giggling at him.

“You’re high as fuck, aren’t you?” Harry says. Louis nods.

“Perrie’s fault,” he says.

“C’mon,” Harry says. “Let’s go and sit somewhere. Might be better for you, yeah?”

It’s just a cold night, instead of unbearably cold, so Louis doesn’t complain when Harry leads him to the front of the campground. They sit against the ticket box, just inside the gate.

Louis takes a moment to adjust to being still.

“You alright?” Harry asks.

Louis nods. Then, because he just can’t help himself, he says, “Are you going to drop me when you meet someone better?”

Harry’s mouth falls open. He looks genuinely shocked. “What do you mean?” he asks. “Why would you even say that?”

Louis shrugs, picking listlessly at the damp grass. “Just, like. I heard that you were close with Nick, and now you’re not.”

Harry frowns. “Things with Nick are weird at the moment,” he says, slower than usual. “And yeah, I guess sometimes I do have short, intense friendships. But I don’t just – what did you say? Drop people because I meet someone better.” He sounds upset. “I think of it like a honeymoon period, maybe. Like, when you first meet someone, and become friends with them, sometimes it’s like – you get really into that person, and you want to know everything about them. I tend to want to cram years of friendship into a small amount of time. And then it cools off, because you become actual friends. So I guess... I guess it might seem like I get obsessed with people and then stop, but it’s – it’s more organic than that. Does that make sense?”

Louis takes a while to process it, but he supposes it does. “Yeah,” he says. “Sorry. I didn’t want to upset you, I was just. Kind of upset with the idea myself.”

“Yeah, I get that,” Harry says. He’s quiet for a moment, then he says. “Lou, it’s different with you anyway. I’ve never met anyone like you. Even if what you heard was true, I don’t think it’s possible to meet someone better.”

Louis looks at him then, and can’t help smiling. He feels lighter, finally. “Really?” he says, and Harry nods. “I feel the same way.”

Harry smiles and leans against him. “We’re like a runaway train,” he says. “Can’t be stopped.”

Louis laughs. “What if the tracks stop? Then we crash.”

“Shhh,” Harry says. “Don’t ruin my analogy.”

"Annnnnalogy," Louis says. That's fun. "Ana-lodge-y." He spends a few minutes saying the word ‘analogy’ in different ways. It’s fascinating.

Harry kisses the side of his head once he finishes. “Just, forget about Nick,” he says. “And don’t listen to anyone else. I could never get sick of you.”

“Okay,” Louis says. “Good. Same. Can we go back to my trailer or something now? It’s fucking freezing.”

Harry laughs and helps him to his feet, then leads him back his trailer. Louis persuades him to come in and steal Liam’s bunk, but they end up curled together in Louis’s. There’s something about falling asleep with his face pressed against the back of Harry’s neck that quells literally all of Louis’s stress.

*

Their last show is on the 23rd, and then they have three days off. Nobody wants to go to the circus over Christmas. It’s brilliant, in a way, because Louis gets his birthday off. The last show is full of Christmas cheer, as well, each of their sets have a Christmas song added at the end, and the Big Top is full of tinsel and lights.

It’s nice. Louis loved Christmas as a kid, because with his birthday it was always like a double holiday, but ever since he left home he’s usually a bit sad around this time of year. He’s sure it’s the same for lots of people here, though, which might be why it’s obvious Simon and James have done their best to make the holiday special. They’re even staying camped here over Christmas, and having a big do Christmas day. It makes sense, because they’re pretty much a family, really.

Harry corners him before the curtain goes up.

“What’re you doing tonight?” he asks, clearly full of repressed excitement.

“Dunno,” Louis says. “Nothing? Might watch some films and smoke with Zayn or Liam.”

“Well, if you’re not too attached to that plan,” Harry says. “You should camp with me. I’ve got a tent!”

“Er,” Louis says, genuinely surprised. Where did that come from?

“C’mon, Lou, camping’s fun,” Harry says. “Think about it, we live in a campground but we sleep in trailers. Wouldn’t it be nice to sleep under the stars?”

Louis doesn’t think that makes sense, because how are they under the stars if they’re in a tent? But he does like camping.

“Okay,” he says. “Just you and me?”

“Well, my tent’s only big enough for two, really,” Harry says. “And Zayn flat-out refused to sleep on the ground rather than his bed. But he and Liam and Niall said they’ll hang out with us until they get tired. We can still smoke, and, I dunno, do other stuff. It’ll be so much fun.”

“Okay,” Louis says again, but now he’s smiling. “Can’t wait.”

Harry grins and hugs him, and then the opening music starts.

*

Harry and Niall disappear after the curtain call, and Liam won’t let him look for them.

“We should really help Zayn with the animals,” Liam says. “Help get them back to their enclosure.”

“Why?” Louis says, completely suspicious. “He’s got a whole team for that. They don’t need help any other night.”

“They need help tonight,” Liam says. “C’mon, you love the lions.”

And, well. Louis does. So he lets it go and they track down Zayn, who’s keeping the big cats occupied while Barbara, Jaymi, and George attach their collars.

Louis really doesn’t know how they manage this by themselves every night. Each of them has three big animals to maneuvre, in the end, but once they give Louis and Liam each the leash of a tiger, Zayn and Barbara are the only ones left with three. Zayn takes his to the front and leads them all to the enclosure.

It’s always as big as a zoo’s enclosure, and it’s the first thing that goes up when they get to a new place. The elephants are next door in their own enclosure, but the animals don’t bother each other. They’ve been together so long, they’re basically their own odd herd. In fact, one of the younger tigers is genuinely friends with one of the elephants, like those ‘unlikely animal friends’ things you see on the internet. The cats and elephants are only separated as a precaution. Much like how the cats are restrained in the ring. As long as Zayn’s there, everyone’s safe.

They get the cats into the enclosure without a hitch, like every night, Louis supposes.

“Wanna help with feeding?” Barbara asks, and Louis’s itching to get his make-up off, but he can’t turn down time with the animals.

When they finally find Harry and Niall, after stopping at the make-up trailer to wash their faces, Louis is absolutely stunned. The tent’s small, but it’s set up beside a campfire, and they’ve strung up a million fairy lights. Harry and Niall are sitting beside the fire grinning at them expectantly, Niall with his guitar, and it’s all so beautiful.

“Holy shit,” Louis says.

“Happy birthday Lou!” his four best friends chorus. Louis could cry. He doesn’t even remember the last time someone made a fuss of his birthday.

Then Niall starts strumming his guitar, and Harry yells, “They say it’s your birthday!”

“It’s my birthday too!” Liam yells.

Louis laughs as they continue to sing the entirety of the Beatles’ Birthday. These fucking losers, honestly.

It’s such a good night. There’s beer and vodka, and Zayn’s brought some stellar weed. Niall’s brought marshmallows again, and they roast them around the fire while Harry and Niall take turns playing the guitar and leading singalongs.

At midnight, Harry brings out a cake that he’d somehow secretly baked. Louis’s pretty sure he wants to marry him.

It’s barely pushing one when Zayn fakes a yawn. “Well, I’m getting tired,” he says.

Niall laughs. “You know what they’re doin’, Lou?” he says. “I’m taking Harry’s bed tonight and Aiden’s taking Zayn’s, so Zayn and Liam and Pez have our trailer all to themselves.”

“Oh God,” Louis says, horrified. “They’ll defile every surface!”

“Fuck off, no we won’t,” Liam says.

“Yeah, only your bunk,” Zayn says, smirking. “Happy birthday.” Louis throws his empty cup at him.

Liam yawns. “I am also getting tired,” he says. He is the worst actor.

“Jesus Christ, just say you wanna go shag,” Louis says. “I won’t be offended as long as you actually stay the fuck away from my bed.”

“Okay,” Zayn says. “We’re gonna go shag.”

Louis, Harry and Niall exchange matching eye rolls. Liam tackles Louis in a big hug and almost tips his chair over.

“Happy birthday, you massive prick,” Liam says. How rude. “I love you quite a bit.”

“Pfft. Loser,” Louis says into Liam’s hoodie, but he hugs back just as tight.

Liam grins at him when he pulls back. “Have a good night,” he says, and then he winks. What the fuck?

Zayn hugs him as well, mutters, “Happy birthday, bro. So glad to have you.”

“You’re both insanely soppy,” Louis says. “Match made in fucking heaven.”

Zayn smiles like that’s a huge compliment. “See you in the morning babes.”

“Well,” Niall says once they’re gone. “S’pose I best take off too.”

Louis has no idea why. He wants to protest, get Niall to stay so he’s not alone with Harry. But he also wants to be alone with Harry. It’s a real pickle.

Niall ends up hugging Louis for about ten minutes anyway, just sits himself in Louis’s lap and doesn’t get up until he thinks he’s given Louis enough birthday love. It’s actually really nice. Louis loves Niall.

“I’m so so happy you joined us and I’m so happy you’re in my trailer,” Niall rambles. “I love you so much, you’re one of me best mates, you know that? You’re like, the funniest lad in the world. You make this circus so much better.”

“That’s true,” Harry says, as if his word is absolute fact.

“Okay,” Louis says, patting Niall on the back. “You should probably get yourself to bed, mate. But I love you too.”

Niall beams at him. “Good,” he says, and then he leaves after landing a big sloppy kiss on Louis’s cheek.

It’s quiet once they’re alone.

“Our friends get really sentimental when they drink,” Louis comments.

Harry laughs. “Nah,” he says. “They just love you. I haven’t given you my birthday ramble yet, I bet I can out-sap them all.”

“Oh no,” Louis groans. “But you already did all this! Gestures are totally worth more than words, that’s what my mum used to say.”

Harry smiles. “But gestures don’t make you as uncomfortable as nice words do.”

He knows Louis far too well.

“Can we get in the tent first?” Louis says. “I think I need to be lying down for this.”

Harry giggles. “Okay,” he says. “Your present’s in there anyway. I can’t wait until tomorrow.”

“Harry _Styles_ ,” Louis says as he stands up. “I never realised you were so impatient.”

Harry nods seriously. “It’s my fatal flaw.”

Louis almost snorts at that. Instead, he pulls Harry to his feet and into a hug. “Thanks for this,” he says. God, it’s so warm in Harry’s arms. “It was kind of perfect.”

“Not over yet,” Harry says. Louis can hear the smile in his voice.

Harry won’t let him open the tent until he puts the fire out, so Louis stands there, hopping from one foot to another while he waits. Finally Harry’s satisfied it’s out, and they unzip the tent and crawl in.

It’s definitely tiny, but it also looks – cozy, is all Louis can think. There’s sleeping bags and fluffy pillows and more fairy lights strung up, and it just looks like the inside of the comfiest blanket fort. Louis loves it.

He flops back onto one of the sleeping bags. “This is the best ever,” he says. The ground is softer than he expected, and when he looks he sees there are thin foam mattresses under the sleeping bags. God, Harry is something else. “Where’d you get all this?”

Harry lies down beside him. “Around,” he says airily. “Bit of a scavenger hunt really. It was fun.”

“You’re something else,” Louis says. Harry smiles indulgently. “You really are. I don’t think anyone’s ever gone to so much trouble for me.”

Harry frowns at that. “Well they should,” he says. “People should be bending over backwards for you.”

Louis laughs. “Okay, babe,” he says. “When you’re king of the world, you can make that a law.”

“I will,” Harry says, satisfied. “D’you want your present now?”

“Yes,” Louis says, making grabby hands. “Gimme. Please.”

Harry laughs as he rummages around to his side. Looks like Louis picked the right side of the sleeping bags.

“’Kay,” Harry says. “Sit up.”

Louis does, and so does Harry, and they face each other with their legs crossed. It feels kind of childish, Louis loves it. Harry hands him a gift bag.

“It’s not much,” he says.

Louis opens it up and pulls out a red shirt, which is – a Man U jersey signed by the entire fucking team?!

He gapes at Harry. “What the fuck?”

“Simon got it signed for me,” Harry says bashfully. “Apparently he has connections.”

“ _Harry_ ,” Louis says, looking at the names. This is the most valuable thing he owns, hands down.

“It’s really Simon’s present, if I think about it,” Harry says, frowning. Louis shakes his head. Some of them have even written his _name_ , holy fuck.

There’s something else in the bag, Louis almost can’t believe there could be anything else, and then he pulls it out – it’s an Apple remote.

“So you can control your music while you practice,” Harry says. “I thought it would be helpful.”

“Haz,” Louis says. He’s actually meant to get something like this forever. He tackles Harry into a hug. “You’re my favourite person, thank you so much.”

“You’re welcome, Lou,” Harry says. He sounds happy. “You mean so much to me, I just wanted to show you, like, a fraction of how much.”

“Ugh, you big sap,” Louis says. He wants to kiss him all over, but he settles for his cheek. “You’re the best thing that ever happened to me.”

They set up his new remote, because Louis wants to test it out. This is going to completely change the way he practices, he can’t wait.

Eventually they get tired, and undress down to their pants and get under the blankets.

Harry’s looking at him almost nervously, and Louis opens his arms. “C’mon, then,” he says. “Birthday cuddle.”

Harry beams. He reaches over and turns off the fairy lights, plunging them into darkness, and then curls into Louis’s arms. Louis can’t see a thing, so he’s just judging by his general feel and his familiar smell that it’s Harry and not some random stranger popped into their tent.

“Can I be little spoon?” Harry asks quietly. God, Louis is really not drunk enough to be this endeared.

“Yeah,” he says, unable to stop smiling, and Harry turns and fits himself perfectly against Louis’s front.

“Night, Lou,” Harry says softly. He yawns. “Happy birthday. You’re my favourite person ever.”

Surely he can feel how fast Louis’s heart’s beating. “Thanks,” he says. “For everything. You’re my favourite too.”

“I better be,” Harry says sleepily. He lifts Louis’s hand and kisses the back of it, then snuggles into Louis’s arms again.

The one thing Louis’s sure of as he drifts off is that this is already the best birthday he’s ever had.

*

Louis wakes up with his morning wood pressing against Harry’s arse.

He has a moment to wake up and panic, and then Harry rolls over and there’s something distinctive poking into Louis’s thigh. Louis has no idea if both of them having hard-ons is better or worse.

He slides away, trying to go slow, hoping Harry won’t wake up before he’s out of reach, and then immediately turns onto his stomach. He decides he’ll just pretend he’s asleep. Maybe he’ll eventually fall back to sleep and wake up when this nightmare is over.

What a way to start his birthday.

Harry stirs, probably because all of Louis’s movement disturbed him, and Louis can tell when he wakes up and realises. He just goes so still. Louis wonders if he’s even breathing.

Fuck it. Louis can just act like everything’s normal. He turns his head and blinks his eyes open.

“Morning, Haz.”

Harry jumps a bit. When he looks at Louis, he’s biting his lip and his face is flushed. “Morning, Lou,” he says, and then he brightens. “Happy birthday!”

Louis smiles. “Thanks,” he says.

He thinks, for the first time in life, his desperate need to not be hard right now is actually working. He doesn’t want to rub into the thin mattress as much as he normally would.

Although he sort of does. Harry’s looking at him, that intense serial killer stare he gets sometimes, but there’s something so focused about it now. Louis’s pretty sure, now, that if he wanted to fuck Harry, he could.

And God, but he wants. He really wants.

It’ll just make everything worse, though. Harry’s obviously not going to want anything more, and Louis can’t think of anything more heart-breaking than knowing what it’s like to have Harry and then losing him.

Louis rolls over and sits up, bringing his knees up to hide any sort of tenting around his crotch. He claps his hands.

“So what’s the plan today?” he asks. “Don’t tell me you haven’t got any.”

Harry smiles. “Well, I thought we’d go back inside and I’ll make pancakes,” he says. “Special birthday pancakes. And then I’ve got a bit of a surprise planned with Ed. Then I’ll make a special dinner, and everyone else can give you presents, and we can drink a bit and stuff.” Harry shrugged. “The girls and that wanted to be involved in your birthday too, since we left them out last night.”

Louis grins. He feels so light and fluffy and just full of happiness. He’s sure he’s going to have a perfect day; he has every faith in Harry. “Seriously, nobody’s ever tried so hard to make my birthday good,” he says. “You’re an angel.”

Harry pulls him into an odd sort of hug. “Like I said,” he says. “Everyone should do everything they can for you. It’s the least they can do.”

Louis laughs. He just, he really loves this boy.

Oh, fuck.

He loves Harry. He actually, proper loves Harry.

So much for his perfect day.

*

He manages to act normal while they get up, throw on some clothes and go into the trailer.

“We don’t have to have pancakes,” Harry’s saying. “I can make a fry up, or something, we can have whatever you want. What do you feel like?”

Louis gives this the thought it deserves. “I want to see your special birthday pancakes,” he decides. It’s funny; he’s quite sure that in the years after he left home he hasn’t once had pancakes, but now that Harry’s started cooking him breakfast he’s developed a proper taste for them.

“Well, I thought blueberry pancakes topped with banana for me,” Harry says, and Louis makes a face. Harry laughs. “Chocolate chip for you,” he says, waving two packages of chocolate chips. “I got white chocolate too. And maple syrup, obviously. And whipped cream.”

“Yessss,” Louis says. “Sugar overload!”

“I also got sprinkles, I thought I could put them in there too.” Harry bites his lip like he’s not sure if Louis will like that idea.

Louis loves it. “That’s the best idea,” he says. “Definitely special birthday pancakes.”

Harry beams, and turns to the fridge to pull out the batter he’s apparently already made. Endlessly prepared, Louis’s boy is.

Not Louis’s boy. Fuck.

So then Harry cooks while Louis has an existential crisis.

Niall comes out once Harry’s cooked a few. Louis supposes the smell summoned him.

Niall pouts as he sleepily takes in what Harry’s making. “Don’t suppose you’ll have enough for me?” he says, his voice calculatingly pitiful. Louis sees right through him.

Harry turns around with a disapproving frown on his face. “Well there would be,” he says. “But you haven’t said happy birthday to Louis.”

Louis feels this bubbling warmth in his stomach, and then Niall bounds over and jumps on his lap, almost knocking the breath out of him.

“Happy birthday!” Niall yells, throwing his arms around Louis’s neck. “Sorry I forgot, s’just, pancakes! You know how it is!”

“Mhm,” Louis manages.

“I love you, we’re gonna have a wicked day,” Niall says.

“Okay,” says Harry. “You can have some pancakes. D’you want blueberry or chocolate chip?”

Niall snorts. “Is that even a question?” He looks mildly offended Harry would even ask.

“Blueberry pancakes are really good!” Harry says, all kinds of defensive. “Why doesn’t anyone want them?”

“When the other option is chocolate – ” Niall starts, but Louis cuts him off.

“Don’t put any sprinkles in his, Haz,” he says. “Sprinkles are just for me.”

Harry’s face lights up in a grin. “Wasn’t gonna,” he says. “They’re special birthday sprinkles.”

Niall looks put out. He climbs off Louis’s lap and crosses his arms. “You two are the worst,” he says.

Harry doesn’t give Niall any of the white chocolate chips either, just the regular kind, and while Niall’s incredibly grumpy about that, it makes Louis feel unreasonably special.

*

Turns out Harry’s surprise with Ed is _riding the elephants_. Although Louis spends a good deal of time looking after the elephants with Harry, he’s not ridden them yet, and he’s always saying to Harry that he wants to. This is honestly the best present.

Taylor and Cara are there to hand off Ringo and Rigby. Harry’s doing it with him, obviously; Harry’d acted like it was a given, and Louis doesn’t see why it wouldn’t be. Ed’s his trailer-mate after all, and Louis’s sure this was mostly Harry’s idea.

Louis can’t even care about the cutesy way Taylor talks to Harry, he’s too wrapped up in Cara and Rigby and the fact that he’ll be riding him soon, holy shit.

“He’s a gentle thing,” Cara says. “We thought he’d be the best for your first time. And Harry says you’ve already built a bit of a rapport, so that’s good. I’ll just help you up and get you started, then Ed should be able to take care of you. Maybe. Fingers crossed.”

Louis grins at that.

“Oi! I heard that,” Ed says from behind his own elephant.

Cara pokes her tongue out at him even though he can’t see, and then she helps Louis up into the stirrups and onto Rigby’s back. Out of the corner of his eye, he can see Taylor and Harry giggling as she helps him up, but Louis can’t even be that jealous because _he’s on the back of a fucking elephant_.

“Oh my God,” Louis says. “This is the best thing ever.”

Harry beams over at him, now settled on Ringo’s back. Cara tells him how to handle Rigby, how to get him to stop and how to treat him right.

“You’ll be fine,” she says. “He’s such a giant marshmallow, I swear.”

In no time at all, she and Taylor are gone, and Ed’s leading them out into the field beside the campsite.

“We’ll just walk around a bit, nothing fancy,” Ed says, as if simply riding an elephant isn’t the coolest thing ever.

It’s amazing. Louis could sit up here forever.

Okay, well. His arse is getting a bit sore. But other than that, he just loves it. Rigby basically just meanders about, slow and easy, and Louis’s having the time of his life.

Liam’s appeared by the fence with his phone out, probably taking photos or recording. Louis’s immediately thankful; he wants to have so many records of this.

Harry’s bizarrely good at riding, too. He looks like a natural, and Louis has to try really hard to not imagine what else he’d look good riding. Fuck.

Even though he’s not alone, elephant riding turns out to be a bit of a solitary thing. They’re all either focusing on not falling off, or they don’t want to make sudden noises and spook the elephants. It gives Louis time to himself to think, and in order to distract himself from the way Harry’s bouncing on Ringo’s back, his mind drifts to the way Harry had been flirting with Taylor earlier.

It’s weird how he barely even registers it now. Like, Harry still flirts with everyone on the planet, but he spends so much of his time with Louis that Louis doesn’t find himself very bothered by it. Yeah, it still makes him jealous, but he’s fairly sure that – oddly enough – Harry never acts on any of it. Or if he does, Louis isn’t aware of it. It’s all incredibly weird, when he thinks about it. Harry flirts with anything with a pulse, but he never actually seems to have sex.

Maybe he just doesn’t like sex, which would be fine, except that Louis’s definitely gotten the impression on more than one occasion that Harry would like to sleep with him. His dark, intense bedroom eyes from this morning come to mind.

It’s basically just that Louis had thought he had Harry pegged. That he was just a typical twenty year old who was probably bisexual and definitely had a lot of sex. Now he doesn’t quite know what to think.

It seems more like Harry’s a twenty year old who’s probably bisexual and just likes to harmlessly flirt.

The idea kind of settles something in Louis’s stomach. He wouldn’t begrudge Harry if he _was_ having a lot of sex – obviously he’d be jealous, but he’s never been one to judge that sort of thing. But Louis is so, so relieved that he possibly isn’t. He doesn’t know where he stands, in that case, because before he’d assumed that Harry would have meaningless sex with him but not a relationship – but if Harry doesn’t do meaningless sex, that doesn’t mean he’d do a relationship. It doesn’t mean much of anything for Louis, maybe.

But if Harry’s not having sex with other people, well. That’s all Louis can really hope for.

Rigby steps over some uneven ground and it jolts Louis back to Earth. He looks up and sees that Zayn’s joined Liam; instead of documenting the occasion, Liam’s now snogging Zayn lazily against the fence. What a terrible friend.

Ed brings Penny up beside Louis. “You ready to stop soon?” he says. “Getting bored?”

“I could never get bored of this,” Louis says. But... “My arse is starting to hurt, though.”

Ed laughs. “Hazard of the job,” he says. “Alright. I’ll go and help Harry down and then come back for you.”

Which gives Louis a few more minutes on Rigby’s back. They trot around happily while Harry basically falls off Ringo. Louis can’t wipe the smile off his face.

Once Ed helps him down – far more gracefully, obviously – Louis makes a beeline for Harry. He gives him a giant hug.

“Thanks so much for this,” Louis says. “You’re amazing at birthdays.”

Harry giggles. “You’re welcome,” he says. “Anything for you.”

Harry rubs his hands over Louis’s back, and Louis lets himself believe for a moment that he means it.

*

Harry makes them a dinner of fajitas, which, like everything Harry makes, are the best thing Louis’s ever tasted. Then they head over to the Big Top, because that’s where the party is, according to Harry.

Louis’s not convinced this isn’t another trick.

“How in the world did you swindle that?” he asks. Simon’s okay with them using his precious Big Top to practise, of course, but Louis really can’t imagine him trusting them with a party.

“I asked Simon,” Harry says, shrugging like it was easy. “I said he could come, and he agreed. I think he was happy to be invited.”

Louis raises an eyebrow. “Riiiight,” he says. He’s not sure Simon isn’t half in love with Harry, the way Harry seems to get away with everything.

“Anyway, it’s not much,” Harry says. “Everyone’s just bringing booze and we’ll have the ring’s stereo system, that’s all.”

“Harry, I wouldn’t care if we were all crammed into a trailer,” Louis says. “I’m sure it’ll be lovely. Thank you.”

Harry ducks his head, but Louis can see his giant smile. Louis feels all shivery from how cute he is.

The part of his brain that’s still desperately denying any and all feelings for Harry insists that that’s just because it’s winter in Manchester and Louis’s cold, but he almost rolls his eyes at himself for it. He might almost be ready to accept that Simon’s not the only one in love with Harry.

Luckily they’re only a few feet away from the Big Top. Louis definitely needs a drink.

*

Louis loves a lot of things about Syco, but high on the list is this: they really know how to party. Everyone’s here, from Simon, James and Paul to the lowliest crew member and everyone in between, and they’ve all been offering Louis drinks and birthday greetings.

So Louis’s past buzzed. But he’s trying to stay away from Harry – that way only lies madness and probably heavy grinding – so that has to count for something.

Right now, he’s chatting with Andy and Tom, two tech guys Liam’d befriended eons ago. Louis’s not really very friendly with them – his crew friends are really limited to Barbara, and Hannah and Stan, who handle the elephants – but they’re decent enough guys.

“Hey, where’s Liam?” Tom asks, and Louis frowns because he doesn’t know. He looks around the Big Top and finally spots him, on one of the couches that’s been dragged out here from the “green room”; the tent attached to the Big Top for performers to hang out in during the show.

Liam’s wrapped up in a big cuddle pile with Zayn and Perrie, it looks very comfy and cute, and Louis points them out. “There he is,” he says, wobbling a bit. Tom steadies him. Top lad.

Andy’s making a weird face. “I don’t get it, you know,” he says, like he expects the two of them to agree. Louis doesn’t even know what he’s talking about. “The three of them. Like. What are they playing at?”

Louis crinkles his nose. Is Andy being a dick? He might be being a dick. “I think they’re just in a relationship,” he says slowly so Andy can understand.

Andy laughs. It’s not a nice laugh. “Threesomes, I get,” he says. “Not that I’d do it with another dude, mind. But you don’t have relationships with three people.”

Now Louis’s annoyed. “Maybe _you_ don’t,” he says. “But it’s not impossible. Clearly.”

“I think they’re cute,” Tom says. Thank God. “I remember Liam was pretty hung up on Zayn, but I couldn’t see him breaking up with Pez. I’m glad it’s working out for them.”

Andy makes a face. “See exactly,” he says. “That’s what I mean, Zayn and Perrie are in love. Isn’t Liam just a third wheel?”

“Obviously none of them feel that way,” Louis says through gritted teeth. “Relationships don’t have to be conventional to work, you know.”

Andy frowns. “I’m just trying to look out for Liam,” he says, sounding confused by Louis’s reaction.

Louis doesn’t care what he thinks he’s doing. He’s _being_ a prick.

“I don’t think it’s necessary, mate,” Tom says. “I think they’re happy. Why question it?”

Louis likes Tom.

Andy opens his mouth again, but then Niall barrels into the circle.

“Lou!” he yells. “Jade and the other girls’re complainin’ that you’re not spending enough time with them! Come with me!”

He grabs Louis’s hand and literally pulls him over to Jade and Leigh Anne.

“You need to not talk to Samuels for a bit,” Niall says, handing Louis a new cup and taking his old one. “Drink this.”

Louis frowns, because he really could’ve handled Andy, but the drink does look nice. It’s blue on top and fades down into purple. And – he tastes it – it’s delicious.

“One of my favourite cocktails,” Jade says proudly. “Happy birthday, love!”

“Thanks,” Louis says. He leans against her. “Why are people dicks?”

Jade chuckles. “Dunno, babes. What happened?”

“Andy was pretending he was concerned about Liam, Perrie and Zayn’s relationship,” Louis says. “But really he was just being a dick.”

Jade makes a tutting sound. “Sometimes people are the worst,” she says.

“Or they don’t get what they’re not used to,” Leigh Anne says. “Best you don’t mention this to Jesy, though, she’ll rip his cock off.”

Niall looks murderous. “He’s lucky I don’t,” he says. “Nobody talks shit about my Zayn and Liam and Perrie.”

Louis has to laugh at that. Niall looks like a cranky pixie.

“It’s okay,” Leigh Anne says, bringing Niall into a hug. “How about we all barge in on their cuddle? That couch looks big enough for the seven of us.”

It’s not. Zayn, Liam and Perrie are all really surprised by the four drunken people falling onto them, and they all slide off the couch and onto the floor. It’s comfy there, too, Louis thinks.

“We love you guys soooo much,” Niall says from where he’s wrapped around Zayn.

“Thanks Ni,” Liam says, sounding genuinely touched.

They lay there for ages. Louis’s on the end, draped across Jade, so he’s barely tuning into the conversation. He’s very tired; he might fall asleep.

Jesy and Harry join them eventually; Louis knows because he hears Jesy’s voice and then, when someone curls their arms around him, he can smell Harry. Coconut, mango and vanilla; a mix of all his different bath products.

Why did he ever think staying away from Harry was a good idea? Louis turns a bit so he’s more in Harry’s arms, and then he drifts off to sleep.

*

Louis wakes up with Harry’s hair in his mouth on Christmas morning, and his first thought is _all I want for Christmas is to wake up like this every day_. He’s ridiculously mushy first thing in the morning.

His second thought is _thank God I don’t have a boner_.

He does have a hangover, though. And he’s surrounded by all of his friends, fast asleep. They’d gotten spectacularly plastered last night. He only vaguely remembers falling asleep in a giant pile of people.

Normally he might not wake Harry, but it’s Christmas. He pokes Harry repeatedly until he stirs.

“Hmmm?” Harry says.

“Happy Christmas!” Louis whispers, not wanting to wake anyone else.

Harry blinks awake. “It’s Christmas,” he says. Then he beams. “Happy Christmas, Lou.”

“You get to see your mum today,” Louis says, grinning at him.

“I doooo,” Harry says. He snuggles into Louis’s arms. “Want your present now or later?”

“Now,” Louis says. “Now now now.”

Harry giggles. “Okay,” he says. “Meet at your trailer in five?”

It’s a massive effort to get up, but it’s Christmas, so Louis powers through it. He races to his trailer and digs out the envelope he’s got for Harry.

Harry’s standing there when Louis steps outside, holding a big, wrapped box. Louis takes it off him and gives him his envelope. He’d feel a bit inadequate if he didn’t know what was inside.

“You go first,” Louis says, and Harry carefully opens the envelope and pulls out the card.

Last week, Louis had hunted down every photo taken of the two of them and printed them off, and he’s made a giant card, stuck in the photos and then filled every available space with inside jokes and memories and everything Harry means to him. Platonically.

Harry’s eyes are wide as he reads the front of it – he’s still got three sides of the card left and already he looks so happy – and then he opens the card and two tickets fall out.

Harry’s mouth drops open once he has a look at them. “ _Lou_ ,” he says. “I told you not to get me anything!”

They’re Beyonce tickets. She’ll be in Ireland in April, the same time they are, and Louis thought it’d be pretty funny if they went. Seeing as Beyonce’s their thing and all.

“Well, I wanted to go,” Louis says. “So if you take me, it’s like a present for both of us. It cancels it out.” He gives Harry his most convincing smile.

Harry shakes his head, smiling fondly. “’Course I’ll take you,” he says. “Thanks, Lou. Oh my _God_.”

Harry goes back to reading the rest of the card, and Louis gets fidgety, so he tears open his present.

Oh, wow. It’s a new pair of Vans and a wicked pair of Nike runners. Louis looks up at Harry with wide eyes.

“How are you so good at presents?” he asks.

Harry shrugs, a bashful smile on his face. “You said you needed shoes,” he says.

Louis shoves the boxes into his trailer and wraps Harry up in the biggest hug. He’s pretty sure he’ll never meet anyone he loves more than this boy.

*

They separate to get dressed. Louis puts on his new Vans, obviously; he’s going to be telling people all morning that they’re from Harry. Once he’s done, he sends a text to Harry, Niall, Liam, Zayn, Aiden, Ed, and Perrie in their Whatsapp group: _Presents in my trailer in 15 mins??? Barbs and the girls welcome_

Everyone but Niall and Zayn text back their okays – Liam says once he gets Zayn up they’ll come (in the spirit of Christmas, Louis doesn’t reply with the obvious), and Niall just says _araghfjgdsk shove off too early,_ which Louis takes to mean he’ll be there.

It’s nice. They all squeeze into the back of Louis’s trailer, spilling over the couch and out into the bunk area. There’s a Christmas tree made of lights on the wall that Niall put up last week. Louis’s sat with his back against the couch, sandwiched between Harry and Aiden with Zayn’s feet behind his head, and he feels warm and cosy for the first Christmas since he left home.

Niall insisted that they all give him their presents and let him hand them out, so he’s sat in the doorway with a stack of gifts in his lap, trying to stretch out to hand them to people. His armpit has been in Louis’s face more times than he’d like.

The presents are all just small, inexpensive, useful things, or joke gifts, both of which Louis completely appreciates. Liam gets him a few pairs of socks, which is a blatant hint and also has been his standard gift for years. Aiden gives him another blanket for his bunk, Spiderman-printed. Louis suspects it’s because, when Aiden had asked why he slept in Harry’s trailer so often, Louis had said theirs was too cold. And Niall has given him a pack of coconut scented shower gel, which – Harry takes one look at and says obliviously, “Hey! That’s my wash! I didn’t know you’d want your own?”

“Oh,” Louis says. “Er, yeah. It’s nice.”

So everyone Louis shares a trailer with is a bit of a tosser. He regrets the day he ever drunkenly told Niall that Harry smells good.

The girls pitched in to get him a gift basket full of various alcohol, which Louis thinks might be the best present he’ll get. Ed’s given him a coupon book, each of the coupons filled in with ‘good for one elephant ride’. It’s hilariously thoughtful.

Zayn’s present ends up being the best. It’s a baggie of weed, a really cool Spiderman bong – where the hell did he even find that? – and, underneath it, a heap of paper. Drawings. Drawings of all of Zayn’s circus superheroes.

“Holy shit,” Louis says, twisting his head to look at Zayn. “This is incredible! These are all going up in my bunk.”

Zayn’s gone all bashful. “I’d hoped I’d finish the comic in time to give you that, but I hadn’t, so. This was the next best thing.”

“I love you,” Louis says, and Liam leans over to swat at his head.

“Back off,” he says, and then Harry’s poking Louis’s side.

“Lemme see,” he says. Louis shows him, and Harry coos over them enough that everyone wants to see.

Soon Zayn’s covering his face in embarrassment while they all heap praise on him. In return for such a lovely present, Louis saves him and says that if they’ve all unwrapped their presents, they should probably get moving for lunch.

*

They’re in the middle of lunch, four large tables spread out like Hogwarts houses crammed full of everyone in the circus, when it hits Louis.

He may have lost his old family, but what he has here is almost as good.

They’re sort of not comparable, and he couldn’t ever replace one with the other, but there’s a beautiful sort of camaraderie here that he’s never known anywhere else; not at Modest, not at school, not at circus camp.

Everyone here genuinely loves each other and has their backs no matter what. They’d accepted Louis and Liam as two of their own so quickly. Louis can’t imagine his life without every single person here.

They really are like a second family, like a ‘we’re here for you while your others aren’t’, and Louis could not love them any more.

Harry’s on one side and Liam’s on the other, and Louis leans over and pecks Harry on the cheek. His lips are sticky from the turkey glaze, but Harry beams at him like he doesn’t mind.

*

Gemma comes for them right after they’ve had their circus family Christmas lunch. Louis’s phone chimes after they’ve been in the car for about fifteen minutes, when he’s just starting to drift off.

“Fuck,” Louis says once he looks at it.

“What?” Harry cranes his neck around. “What is it?”

“Facebook notification,” Louis says thickly. “I got a message from Lottie. My sister.”

Harry turns in his seat almost entirely. “Oh my God Lou! Have you opened it? What does it say?”

“I’m. I,” Louis says. His heart is jackrabbiting in his throat and his hands are shaking. He might throw up. “I can’t do it. Here.” He shoves his phone at Harry.

Harry glances at Gemma, who’s apparently attempting to give them the illusion of privacy. “You want me to read it out?”

“Please,” Louis says. “But not if it’s bad. I don’t want to know if it’s bad.”

He watches anxiously as Harry taps on the screen, his brow furrowed. It feels like an age before Harry smiles. “It’s not bad,” he says.

“Read it?”

Harry clears his throat. “‘Hi Louis,’” he starts. “‘Was just thinking of you because, y’know, it’s your birthday. Well technically it’s Christmas but Christmas always means your birthday.’” Harry looks up. “She’s cute. I like her.”

“She’s sixteen,” Louis says. “Keep going.” For the love of god.

“‘So I thought I’d check your Facebook, like I always do. I’m so shocked I can actually see you! I don’t know what happened or if you’ll get this, but I had to try. We miss you so so much Louis. We never stop missing you. And we love you. And I hope that maybe someday you’ll want to see us again. Happy birthday, and merry Christmas. Lottie, your oldest sister. In case you forgot.’” Harry looks up again. He’s beaming. “She’s spunky.”

Louis makes a face. “Don’t say that.”

“I concur,” Gemma says.

“Did she really say all that?” Louis asks softly.

Harry holds the phone out. “See for yourself.”

Louis skims the message, and yep. That’s exactly what she said. Louis feels like he’s made of worms, he can’t stop wriggling. He grins up at Harry.

“She misses me,” he says. “Harry, she still loves me!” He seriously thinks he might cry. Which isn’t really something he wants to do in front of Harry’s sister.

“She does,” Harry says. His eyes look shiny, too, which both makes Louis feel better and makes his belly swoop. Harry _cares_ about him. “Of course she does, Lou.”

Louis looks back at his phone. He can’t stop staring at it.

“What are you gonna say back?”

“Dunno,” Louis says, frowning. “Give me a minute.”

Harry nods, giving him one last smile before he turns back around.

 _Hi Lottie,_ he types out. _It’s so good to hear from you . I was convinced you all hated me . I can’t tell you how sorry I am . I miss you too , so much . Hope you’re all having a good Christmas . I’d love to talk to you more . Love , Louis (your big idiot brother . Of course I remember you . Cheeky) xxxx ._

He gives his phone to Harry to sign off on, and Harry nods. “Sounds good,” he says.

 _Lou!!!_ he gets back almost instantly. _You don’t know how happy I am you replied!! best chrissy presnet ever!!! obvs I want to talk more. Its ok. We all forgive you. We just want u to come home. Ps just thought i’d check. Pps wow you still type like a freak. ;) xxx_

 _Hey !_ Louis types back, not even checking with Harry now. Talking to his sister still comes as easy as breathing, apparently. _Watch yourself young lady . Respect your elders . And you type like a sixteen year old girl . So take that ._

He pauses, not sure how to address the rest of her message. He supposes he’ll go with honesty. _Oh Lotts,_ he types. _I don’t know when I can visit . i’d have to talk to mum again first . But I do want to . I want ot make things right . I love you. Xx L_

“I s’pose I’ll be talking to my mum pretty soon, then,” Louis says casually, like he’s not breaking out into metaphorical hives at the thought.

Harry turns back around and gives him a smile. “It’ll be good, Lou,” he says. “You’ll see. I’m so happy for you.”

*

Harry’s mum is absolutely lovely. Louis’s not really surprised, given how fantastic both her kids are, but Harry’s anxiety before they’d opened the door was as contagious as his subsequent relief is.

She’s got them sat around the living room with cups of tea, and both she and Harry have been on the verge of tears since they’d come in. Louis doesn’t feel like he’s intruding, somehow, even while Harry and his mum exchange watery apologies. It probably helps that he’s sandwiched between Harry and Gemma, the former periodically squeezing his hand and the latter making faces at him whenever things get heavy. Gemma’s acting a bit strange, like because she got her whole emotional reunion out of the way, she’s above it now. Louis appreciates it though. She’s a good distraction.

Eventually, Anne tells them to take their stuff up to Harry’s room. It’s all still sitting in the foyer.

“Or you can take the spare room, Louis, whichever you prefer,” she says.

Louis nods, assuming that’s what he’ll do. But then, once the two of them are upstairs, alone in Harry’s room –

“Will you share my bed?” Harry asks. “I think I’ll feel too weird sleeping in here by myself.”

Louis totally gets what he means. Harry’s bedroom hasn’t been touched since he left, apparently. Gemma says that her room’s the same, so not to think too much of it, but it does feel very weird. Like a tomb. Because on the one hand, it’s kind of cool to step into fifteen year old Harry’s world, but on the other – it’s just sad. Louis can very clearly imagine Anne coming in here to remember her lost boy, and it makes his heart ache. Makes him wonder how long his own mum kept his room.

*

The night is actually lovely. They have a proper Christmas dinner, but it’s just Anne, Gemma, and Anne’s new husband Robin. Anne says that the rest of the family would love to see Harry, but she’d thought it was a bit soon. Harry had seemed grateful.

Dinner was delicious – it’s clear where Harry gets his talent from – and they spend the rest of the night in the living room watching Christmas movies.

“It’s a tradition,” Harry says.

“A tradition we’d sort of stopped,” Gemma says. “Felt too weird without you, we’ve spent Christmas away from home ever since you left so we’d be busy.”

“Oh,” Harry says, his face dropping. Louis grabs his hand.

“It’s good to do it again,” Anne says, soothing like she’s trying to make it better.

“We can do it every year now,” Harry says resolutely, and Gemma smiles at him.

They watch The Grinch, A Miracle on 34th  Street, and Barbie In The Nutcracker, which are apparently the Styles family Christmas staples. Louis can’t help his confused expression at the last one, and Anne and Gemma burst out laughing.

“It was Harry’s favourite movie when he was a kid,” Anne explains. “It started when he was about seven, he must have seen it at a friend’s house because Gemma was never into the Barbie movies. He harped on about it until I bought it.”

“Watched it bloody endlessly for like five years,” Gemma says. “I remember.”

“Then he grew out of it, I suppose,” Anne says. “But we always watched it on Christmas.”

“Mainly to remind H that he’ll always be our little sugarplum,” Gemma says.

Harry’s face is bright red. Louis’s maybe never been more fond of him.

“Guys,” Harry whines, and Louis grins.

“That is my new favourite thing,” he says, and Harry groans.

As they watch the movie, Louis can’t help imagining seven year old Harry enraptured over it, and his heart swells three sizes like the fucking Grinch.

*

Louis can’t sleep. And it’s actually not because Harry’s wrapped around him, snoring ever so softly. He can’t keep his mind off his family. He leans over, careful not to displace Harry, and picks his phone up off the bedside table.

 _Lottie facebooked me,_ he texts Liam. _She says they forgive me and want to see me . I’ll need to ring mum but ... what should I do ?_

He doesn’t want to say that he’s too scared to call his own mother. Liam will understand anyway.

 _thats amazingggggg!_ Liam replies almost straight away. _doooo ittttttttt! Id ringggg my parentsss if I thought tehyd forgive meeeee. Itll be okkk lou, just do it!!!!! X x x also merry xmas ya bastard_

And another, quickly after, from Zayn: _I’ll kick ya in the balls if u pass up a chance to see ur family u giant arse._

He rolls his eyes, sends _Stop checking out my arse you have a boyfriend ! And a girlfriend !_ to Zayn and _Ok maybe I will . Tomorrow . Love ya mate xx_ to Liam _._ Then he throws his phone to the side and curls back up in Harry’s arms.

*

On Boxing Day, after a morning stuffed with pancakes and Scrabble, Louis tucks himself away in Harry’s old room and rings his mum.

Well, he rings his old home number, torn between hoping it’s still the same and hoping it’s not.

“Hello?” someone says, and Louis would know that voice anywhere.

“Mum?” he says hoarsely.

“I – Louis? Is that you?” She sounds so disbelieving, it’s so hard to hear.

“Yeah,” Louis says. “Hi, Mum.”

“My baby,” she says, sounding all wobbly already. “I can’t believe it. We’d given up hope until yesterday!”

“I’m sorry,” Louis says. “I’m so, so sorry. I was a stupid kid – ”

“It’s okay,” his mum says. “You know it’s okay, don’t you? We’ve never held it against you, we’ve just missed you. We’ve always said to each other, we don’t care, we just want you back.”

“Mum,” Louis manages, choked by wave after wave of crushing relief. “I missed you so much, you don’t even know.”

“I think I have a fair idea, Louis Tomlinson,” she says, with the faux sternness he’s missed so much.

“I didn’t want you and Mark to get a divorce because of me,” he blurts out. “I thought if I left, you wouldn’t have any reason to fight anymore.”

“Oh, baby,” she says. “That’s the saddest and silliest thing I’ve ever heard. Even if we _were_ fighting over you – you’re more important to me than any relationship. You have to know that.”

“I’m,” Louis swallows. “Yeah. Well, once I saw you and Mark had split I realised I’d been stupid. And likely just caused more problems. But I thought I was helping.”

“There is no way removing yourself from my life would ever help me,” she says. “I understand your thought process, I really do. But you need to know it’s utter rubbish. A life without my best boy is no life at all.”

Louis can’t help it; he starts crying. He faintly remembers teasing Harry for crying when he first talked to his mum again, and here he is blubbering like a baby.

“I’m so sorry, Mum,” he says again, his voice wavering and pathetic.

“It’s okay,” she says. He’s pretty sure she’s crying too. “I love you. I miss you.”

“I love you too,” Louis says. He wipes his eyes and swallows thickly. “And I miss you too. I don’t know when I can visit, but as soon as we’re close enough, and I have enough time off – ”

“Good, good,” his mum says. “In the meantime, just don’t shut us out, yeah?”

“Okay, Mum,” he says. “I promise.”

They chat for a bit longer, his mum asking tentative questions about his life, Louis asking even more tentative questions back, but eventually she has to go. She makes him promise to talk to her again soon, and to add them all back on Facebook, and tells him again how much she loves him. When Louis hangs up, he just sits on the bed for another few minutes, staring at his phone and fighting back tears.

That’s how Harry finds him.

“Oh my God,” Harry says, rushing to the bed and sitting beside him. “What’s wrong, Lou? What’s happened?”

“I’m,” Louis says. “I called my mum.” He turns into Harry’s chest, needing cuddles more than anything. Harry’s warm arms and his smell are so comforting.

“Oh Lou,” Harry says, rubbing his back. “How’d it go?”

Louis recounts the entire phone call with his face half buried in Harry’s jumper. Harry just keeps rubbing his back, making delighted noises when called for.

“I’m so proud of you,” Harry says once he’s finished. “I know how hard that must have been.”

Something warm fizzles in his belly at the thought of Harry being proud of him. He pulls back and wipes his eyes again.

“S’pose I shouldn’t’ve teased you about crying over your mum,” he says, trying to joke.

Harry smiles. “Shouldn’t’ve, but you always would’ve.”

*

Gemma and Anne drive them back to Manchester later that night. It’s much harder to say goodbye to Harry’s mum than Louis was expecting.

“Make sure you come with him, next time he visits,” Anne says as she hugs him very tight. “And we’ll come and see your show sometime soon as well, hopefully.”

“That’d be amazing,” Louis says. He might be hugging her back just as hard. “We’d love for you to see it.”

“Well, Gemma did say it’s very good,” Anne says. “Can’t let her have all the fun.” She finally lets Louis go. “Now you make sure you’re taking care of yourself, please. And my boy. I’m trusting him with you.”

Louis smiles. “I’ll look after him,” he says, even though it’s more like they look after each other. “Promise.”

Harry lets go of Gemma then, holding his arms out for his mum and pouting massively. “Why can’t you just stay with us?” Louis hears him mumble into their hug. “Join the circus, Mum, it’ll be brilliant.”  
  
Anne laughs, and so does Louis. “Sure,” she says. “I’ll just brush up on my tight-rope walking, shall I?”

“Nah, we already have one of those,” Harry says. “You can be our contortionist.”

Anne laughs long and loud at that. “In your dreams, kiddo,” she says, then she kisses the side of Harry’s head. “God, I’ve missed you so much.”

It’s so sweet, Louis feels like he’s intruding; he turns to say goodbye to Gemma.

*

Reuniting with the boys is almost enough to take Louis’s mind off leaving Harry’s family.

“I’m really happy for you, you know?” Zayn tells Louis while Liam and Niall tackle Harry. “I miss my family like fucking crazy, but there’s no way I’d reach out.”

Louis’s a bit surprised. He doesn’t think Zayn’s ever told him anything about his family before. “Well, technically I didn’t,” Louis points out. “I just unblocked them. Let them come to me.”

Zayn looks thoughtful. “Maybe I could do that.”

Louis has to ask. “Did you leave on bad terms?”

Zayn frowns. “Not exactly?” he says. “It’s more that I left at all. I’ve always felt so guilty, like I just abandoned them basically. Family’s really important to us so, I dunno, I’ve always thought what I did was unforgivable.”

Louis gets that. “I kinda felt the same way,” he says. “Seeing as I left my mum to raise four kids on her own. I never thought she’d forgive me.” He shrugs. “You never know. You could give it a shot.”

“I think Liam’s going to,” Zayn says. “Think he’s actually going to ring his mum. After what happened with you, he’s been thinking about it.”

“That’s so great,” Louis says, happy but wondering why Liam hasn’t told him this himself. “I miss Karen. I bet she’ll be so happy to hear from him. He was so young when we left.”

“Yeah,” Zayn says. He sighs. “Same. I keep thinking about it and, like. I was a stupid kid. I can’t keep beating myself up for a decision I made when I wasn’t even legal, you know?”

Louis nods. “Exactly, yeah,” he says, then his curiousity gets the better of him. “Um. Hey. Why did you leave, anyway?”

“Oh,” Zayn says. “I’m surprised you don’t already know. It’s not an exciting story, really – I was just bullied a lot. Bisexual, biracial, bireligious, and quiet. I didn’t have many friends, and a lot of kids at my school just fundamentally hated who I was. There was this group of older boys who’d just finished school, and hunting me down and beating me up was their favourite hobby. I was, like, never safe. And I just got tired of feeling so haunted. Couldn’t handle it anymore. So I hopped on the first thing that would get me out of Bradford.” He shrugs. “Even just being a stablehand at Syco pays well. I hated leaving my family, but otherwise it really did make my life so much better.”

Louis’s heart is bleeding, he thinks. “Just explain that,” Louis says. It’s so much like Harry’s story. “I really don’t think anyone could blame you for needing to escape a situation like that. Who knows what could’ve happened?”

“Yeah, that’s what I told myself,” Zayn says. “I was always so scared that they’d go too far and, like. You know. And I’d be no good to my family dead.”

“Oh Zayn,” Louis says, hurting so much for him. He pushes forward and hugs him. “Settle in, this is a long cuddle.”

Zayn laughs. “Love you, Lou.”

“Best not tell your partners,” Louis jokes, and Zayn pinches him. “Ow! I love you too. Christ.”

*

“You know I think you’re being stupid, right?” Liam says as they’re getting ready for New Year’s. They’re in Cardiff, and a big group are going to a party thrown by some friend of Ed’s, before they all meet up at the big carnival for fireworks at midnight. “I just want to make sure you know that.”

Louis rolls his eyes.

“Seriously!” Liam says. “I mean, I get that you don’t want a repeat of what happened at Modest, but like, this is clearly different, Harry’s crazy for you and you’re not going to make the circus go bankrupt by falling in love, like, you get that that’s not possible, yeah?”

“Fuck off,” Louis says. He’s trying to decide which shirt to wear. It’s a very important process. Liam could at least respect that.

“I had my heart broken by a fellow circus member too, remember,” Liam persists. “And look how everything’s worked out for me! Imagine if I’d gone all closed off, I wouldn’t be as stupidly happy as I am.”

“Yes, thanks for rubbing that in Liam,” Louis says. “Look, not all of us can stumble into our happily ever after. I’m inclined to believe you’re a fluke, anyway, how many happily ever afters end with a threesome?”

“Probably the happiest ones,” Liam says cheerfully, because he’s a turd. “I just want you to think about it. Harry isn’t Greg, and it won’t be the end of the world if you actually give in. Shit, Lou, it’s been over three months, I don’t think you’re gonna get over him.”

Louis closes his eyes, takes a deep breath, and refrains from punching his best friend in the face. “Sure, Liam, I’ll think about it,” he lies. Liam surely knows he’s lying. “Can we finish getting ready now please?”

*

The party’s great, massive, Louis’s lost everyone but Harry and they’re both spectacularly drunk. And they’re dancing again, because Louis just never learns his lesson, when Beyonce’s XO starts up, like a bizarre twist of fate bringing them full circle. Louis really feels like he and Harry are in some weird sort of Groundhog Day with Beyonce songs, and every instinct he has is telling him to leave before he does something stupid _again_.

But Harry grins at him and says, “It’s our song,” with a laugh, even though that doesn’t quite make sense, and Louis just has to laugh back and curl into him.

It’s fine. If Harry hasn’t figured out how he feels yet, he probably never will, and one little dance isn’t going to change anything.

XO is such a fucking romantic song, though. They're more slow dancing than grinding, and it's way too easy to let himself believe that Harry means it. He's too drunk to protect himself, so he just breathes into Harry's collarbone, cuddled in with Harry's arms around his neck, his arms around Harry's waist. They sway as Harry murmurs the lyrics, and it's so sweet and lovely that Louis forgets it isn't real.

*

Everyone finds them by ten and they leave, make their way down to Cardiff’s Winter Wonderland. The cold, fresh air sobers Louis up a bit, enough for him to come to his senses and put some space between himself and Harry, but he’s still stumbling on the short walk.

All Louis can really process is the lights. It’s all so bright and pretty, and there are carnival attractions and rides and live music playing and an ice rink; all at once everyone starts talking about what they want to do.

“I wanna go ice skating,” Jade says, and Leigh Anne, Jesy, Ed and Taylor agree.

“I want to go to the Alpine Village,” Niall says, tugging on Barbara’s arm. “I’m starved.”

“I want Liam to win me one of those big stuffed monkeys,” Zayn says.

“Ooh, me too!” Perrie says. Liam looks pleased by this.

“I wanna see the band,” Harry says, and Louis pouts.

“I wanna go on that,” he says, pointing to the ride near them. It’s got what looks like a billion swings, all in pairs, and they go up super high. It looks like the most fun thing here.

Nobody else looks like they want to do that, though.

“I would,” Liam says, apologetic. “But I’ve got two monkeys to win.”

Everyone else mumbles about the respective things they want to do, and then Harry nudges Louis.

“I’ll go with you,” he says. “I can hear the band from wherever we are, anyway.”

“Yesssss!” Louis says, slinging his arm around Harry’s shoulders. “Harold’s better than all of you!”

He starts to pull Harry towards the ride. “Meet at the ice rink at 11:45!” Liam calls after them.

The line’s surprisingly not that long. There are so many people here, but there seems to be enough to do that it doesn’t take long at all before they’re almost to the front.

That’s when Louis notices that Harry looks nervous.

“You okay, Haz?” he asks, worried.

“Yeah,” Harry says. “I’m just, like. Not great with rides? Like, heights. I dunno. Does that look safe to you?”

“You’re buckled in,” Louis points out. “If it wasn’t safe they wouldn’t do it.”

“Yeah,” Harry says. He twists his rings and sucks in a deep breath. Louis is hit with a heap of affection for this boy, doing something he doesn’t like to make Louis happy.

“You don’t have to do it,” Louis says. “You can just stay down here. You can watch me! Cheer me on!” He laughs, trying to make Harry feel more comfortable.

“No, I want to do it,” Harry says. “Don’t want you to go alone or sit with a stranger.”

“Are you sure?” Louis asks, and Harry nods. “Okay. Well. It’s gonna be fun, Haz, I promise. It’ll be a really pretty view, and you’ll be safe. I can even hold your hand, since there’s two to a swing.” He winks and Harry laughs.

“Okay, yeah,” he says. “Yeah, it’ll be fine.”

“It will,” Louis says.

“And after, if we survive, you can take me on the carousel,” Harry says. He grins. “To make it up to me.”

Louis laughs. “Okay,” he says. “Deal.”

As soon as they’re buckled in, Harry grips Louis’s hand tightly.

“It’ll be fine, Haz,” Louis says, putting his other hand over the top of their joined hands and squeezing.

“Okay,” Harry says. His other hand’s clutching one of the metal ropes holding the swing up, and when the ride jolts to life Louis doesn’t think he’s ever seen Harry look so afraid.

Louis looks up once they’re in the air and sees the beautiful lights of Cardiff’s Wonderland spread out below them. When he looks at Harry, he thinks that he’s even more beautiful, with his long fluffy curls and his red-bitten lips – except he’s got his eyes shut tight.

“Haz, open your eyes,” Louis says gently. “You’re missing the view.”

Harry slows squints his eyes open, and his terrified expression quickly turns to awe.

“It’s so beautiful,” Harry says.

“Told you,” Louis says, squeezing his hand again. He thinks that this might be the best place in the world, floating above a lit up fairytale holding the hand of the most gorgeous boy.

“Yeah,” Harry says, mesmerised. “Is this what it’s like on your trapeze?”

And, you know, it’s not that different, spinning above a blur of lights. “A bit,” Louis says. “S’colder here, though. And I have less control. And I have you.”

Harry smiles. “You’re the best thing in my life, Lou,” he says quietly, just before the ride jolts them back down to Earth.

It kind of ruins the moment, and takes away Louis’s chance to reply. He just keeps Harry’s hand in his, instead, and leads him over to the carousel. That line’s even smaller, and Louis rides a lion while Harry rides the flamingo beside him, laughing over how absolutely childish they feel. It’s only just past eleven when they finish, so they decide to go over to the ice rink and have a go.

Harry’s surprisingly not terrible on ice. For all his grace on solid ground, or lack thereof, Louis had expected him to spend more time flat on his arse. As it is, the only time Harry falls over is when Louis brings him down. That’s when Taylor and Leigh Anne find them, and laugh themselves silly. Rude.

By the time they meet the rest of their friends to watch the fireworks, Louis still hasn’t let go of Harry’s hand.

*

“I can’t believe it still hasn’t happened yet,” Liam says. “I thought for sure the night before your birthday – but nope. And then when you went home with him for Christmas – honestly who does that? And then New Years! But you still haven’t even snogged! Honestly, Lou. This is just ridiculous.”

“Your face is ridiculous,” Louis says, which is true; they’re made up for the show.

“Louuuu,” Liam whines.

Louis ignores him.

“You know literally everyone in the circus thinks you two’re in love?” Liam says.

Louis glares at him. “Maybe somebody should tell Harry, then,” he says, and then he walks away.

The thing is, he’s actually planning on telling Harry. He’s thinking Harry’s birthday might be a good time. He can do something extravagant and then throw it in at the end, like _oh, by the way, I’m in love with you_.

Hopefully it won’t ruin his birthday if he doesn’t feel the same way. Which he likely doesn’t. Liam’s known to be wrong about most things.

At this point, though, Louis just wants to get it over with. He’s pretty sure the only thing that’ll get him over Harry is a good rejection. Then they can be proper friends, and Louis can move on with his life.

*

A few nights later, they’re in Birmingham, and Harry’s been acting weird for days. Ever since they’d had a quiet night in for Zayn’s birthday, just the five boys and Perrie, sharing weed and marathoning Marvel movies.

Then Harry corners Louis backstage.

“You’re gonna watch me tonight, aren’t you?” Harry asks. He sounds a tad urgent, and he’s biting his lip like he does when he’s nervous. Which makes no sense.

“I watch you every single night,” Louis points out. “Why would I suddenly decide not to?”

Harry shrugs. “You just need to watch tonight,” he says. “I need your opinion on something.”

Louis frowns. “Uh. Okay? I’ll pay extra close attention.”

Harry grins, but Louis can still see the lingering nerves behind it. “See that you do,” he says.

*

Right before the end of their act, before they do Love Me Do, Harry starts talking. It takes Louis completely by surprise; usually the only talking in their shows is done by Nick.

“I suppose none of you will know it, this being our first night in Birmingham,” Harry says. “But we’re changing our set tonight. Just this one song.” He takes a deep breath; it rattles through the microphone. “This is for you, Louis. I mean every word.”

And – what? What the hell? Liam nudges him, a knowing grin on his face, but all Louis can feel is confusion and the butterflies in his veins. The band starts up a plodding sort of tune, and Louis thinks he might recognise it – and then.

Then Harry opens his mouth.

“[ _Who knows how long I’ve loved you_](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=g1h5YMQ95Lo),” Harry sings, and Louis feels everything inside him swoop. This is for him?! “ _You know I love you still. Will I wait a lonely lifetime? If you want me to, I will._ ”

Louis’s eyes are probably the size of the moon. His heart has never beaten so fast. Is he really – Harry’s really singing a love song. That he dedicated to Louis. _What_?

Harry doesn’t throw the next part of the verse to Cher, either, like he normally would – he just keeps standing there, still under the spotlight, while Cher keeps up an impressive act beside him. Juggling – juggling heart-shaped balls? Wow.

Louis doesn’t focus on that, though, because Harry’s moved on to the chorus – _“Love you forever and forever, love you with all my heart. Love you whenever we’re together, love you when we’re apart._ ”

It might be the sappiest Beatles song Louis’s ever heard. And it’s for him. And Harry said – he said he meant it. Does he really, actually, properly love Louis? Is this really happening?

All Louis can think is _what the fuck what the fuck oh my god_ on a constant loop, but as unbelievable as it is, this might be the best thing that’s ever happened to him.

Harry and Cher are finished after the song, and as they come off stage, Louis’s struck with the realisation that they only have fifteen minutes before he’s got to get on the trapeze.

Fuck.

“Hi,” Harry says, biting his lip and looking the most nervous Louis’s ever seen him. “Um. What’d you think?”

Louis stares at him, then does the only thing he can think of and hauls Harry into his arms. He has a second to appreciate the surprise on Harry’s face before Louis leans up and kisses him.

It’s everything Louis’s been waiting for. Once Harry kisses him back, Louis feels like he’s been waiting his whole life for a kiss this good. Harry’s mouth is fucking heaven, and Louis never wants to leave it.

There’s a niggling part of him, however, that has the desperate need to give voice to everything he’s been denying for months. Unfortunately, he has to pull apart from Harry, and then he’s almost glad he did – Harry’s delightfully flushed.

“Hi,” Louis says.

“Take it you liked the song?” Harry asks, breathless.

“Loved it,” Louis says. “Love _you_.”

It’s maybe not where he’d imagined saying it, in the bustling, crowded, dank backstage area, but Harry’s face absolutely lights up. Louis can’t imagine a better time.

“Really?” Harry breathes, and oh God, how could this beautiful boy be consistently so pleased by Louis? He thinks he could live a hundred lives and never understand it.

“I’m so in love with you it’s ridiculous,” Louis says. It’s everything he’s suppressed for so long, and he’s so relieved to let it out. “I’ll never want anyone but you, I don’t think.”

Harry’s eyes are so big and shiny, Louis could fall into them. “I love you too,” he says. “I mean, in case the song wasn’t obvious. You’re everything to me, Lou.”

If he thought not being able to have Harry was rough, he’s no idea how he’s going to survive hearing this kind of stuff from him. His chest feels so full, he could burst any minute.

“Be my boyfriend?” Louis blurts out, then immediately wants to slap himself. “I mean, if you want to. I don’t – ”

“Yes,” Harry says. He’s actually bouncing. Louis’s never seen him this happy. “God, absolutely yes please. I’d ask you to marry me if I didn’t think it’d be coming on too strong.”

Louis laughs. “That was my next question,” he says, and Harry laughs too.

“Five minutes, Lou,” Liam says from behind him, sounding reluctant, and God. If there was ever a time that Louis wanted to ignore Liam.

Harry kisses him, hard and fast, and then says, while Louis’s still dazed, “Go on then, you’d best go and fly through the air.”

Louis snorts. “How d’you expect me to do anything right now?” he says. “If I fall to my death, Harry Styles, you’ll be the only one to blame.”

Harry pouts at him. “You’re too good to fall to your death,” he says. “Also, Liam will catch you. Also, there’s a net. And besides, if you die, I won’t be able to suck your brains out through your cock.”

Louis chokes on air.

“So you can’t die,” Harry says, looking far too smug.

Louis can hear Strawberry Fields winding down. Nick’ll be out there any second introducing them; they only have a few minutes to get up the ladders.

“Your make-up’s fucked, by the way,” Harry says happily, and Louis looks at him, takes him by the chin and turns his face into the light. Sure enough, his own make-up is smudged across Harry’s face. Louis laughs. Lou’ll be so pissed, but Louis can’t care, not when Harry’s wearing his make-up like a mark.

“You look like you’re mine,” Louis says dumbly, and Harry beams.

“I am,” he says. The crowd’s started applauding; the acrobats are finished. Harry kisses him again, little more than a peck, and shoves him towards the curtains. “You’ll be great!” he yells.

Louis and Liam head up the ladders in darkness as Nick stands under the spotlight. Louis usually tunes him out, but he’s extra loud tonight, it seems like, and he catches it when Nick cries, “So if you’re curious about who our cutest juggler was singing to earlier tonight, keep your eye on the small, dark blue one! He’s managed to win our young Harry’s heart despite his enormous personality problems and gigantic flaws!”

He’s still the worst, and yet, Louis can’t hate him. Nick doesn’t have Harry, after all. Nothing he says or does matters to Louis now.

The set’s fine. He doesn’t drop Liam and he doesn’t fall to his death (okay, to mild discomfort on the net), but his heart’s not in it. His heart’s backstage, peeking out at him from the audience’s blind spot.

Fifteen minutes seems like fifteen years, but finally they’re finished. Louis scurries down the ladder as fast as he can, and dashes backstage and into Harry’s arms.

“You were brilliant, as always,” Harry tells him.

“Just shut up and kiss me,” Louis says, grinning. A post-performance high mixed with a Harry high is truly the most intoxicating thing he’s ever experienced.

Harry happily does so, and Louis pushes him against one of the amps hidden backstage and snogs him well into Aiden’s set.

They don’t break apart until Zayn’s finishing. It’s like coming out of a fog, and it dawns on Louis that they’ve been making out for close to an hour. And _only_ making out. Louis truly thinks he should be commended for somehow keeping his hands out of Harry’s pants.

Given that Harry’s wearing a leotard and tights, Louis doesn’t know how he’d discretely get into them, but. That’s entirely not the point.

They have to gather with the others for the final number, and it’s then that Louis realizes. Harry really has planned it perfectly. Tonight they’re scheduled to sing All You Need Is Love.

Which is why he gets to stand there, Harry’s hand in his, his make-up all over Harry’s face like a claim, singing about a love he never dared to hope he could have.

He’s never identified with a Beatles song more than in this moment. This really is all he needs. _It’s easy_.

*

Harry talks Liam into switching trailers, and then they kick out Niall and Aiden. Or, more accurately, Niall and Aiden take one look at him and Harry, and decide that they’d very much like to spend the night elsewhere. Louis’s pretty sure Aiden will end up sleeping in Harry’s bunk, it’s not like Liam’ll be using it.

“Don’t know what they expect we’ll be doing,” Harry says as he wets a wash cloth. “I plan to spend the night sleeping.”

“Mm,” Louis says. “I’ll not have you bespoiling my virtue, I’m afraid.”

Harry laughs. “Is that a word?” he asks.

Louis doesn’t know. “Of course it is,” he says. Harry just smiles and starts to wipe the make-up off Louis’s face.

It’s so like that first time in the make-up trailer that Louis has to close his eyes. He’s overwhelmed. He feels so much for this boy, it’s almost unfathomable.

“You know, I didn’t even think you liked me,” Louis says. “Not like this, I mean.” He opens his eyes and sees Harry gaping at him.

“Are you serious?” Harry says. “Lou, I’ve been literally arse over tit for you since you got here.”

Louis shrugs. “You flirt with everyone, don’t you know that? And after a while I noticed you didn’t really flirt with me.”

“What?” Harry looks really confused. “But I don’t? I don’t flirt, who do I flirt with? When?”

Louis laughs a bit, crinkling his nose in confusion. “Um, always? Everyone? Nick, Taylor, Cara, Daisy, James, the clowns, the acrobats, strangers at clubs...”

“But I don’t mean to,” Harry says, looking almost distressed. “I don’t think I’ve had eyes for anyone since I met you.”

Oh God. He’s so bloody cute, Louis’s insides genuinely flutter. Could that be true? Could Louis really have misinterpreted every interaction he’s ever seen Harry have?

“Why would I bother flirting with girls, anyway?” Harry’s sort of muttering to himself, and wait –

“Wait, what?” Louis says.

“I’m gay,” Harry says, like he thought Louis knew that. “I’ve never been interested in girls.”

Louis blinks at him. He feels like everything he ever knew has been shaken to the core.

“I told you I came out,” Harry points out. “And that my college didn’t like gay people! I specifically said that!”

“Well I just,” Louis splutters. “I thought you meant generally! I thought it was so obvious you were into girls. You’re just – you’re... you’re just naturally really flirty, aren’t you?”

Jesus fuck.

Harry finally smiles. “Niall and Zayn have always said I’m naturally charming,” he says. “Maybe that’s what they meant.”

“I’d say so,” Louis says. What the fuck even is this entire conversation.

“But I s’pose I’m rubbish at flirting when I mean it,” Harry says. “If you didn’t think I even liked you. Or maybe you’re just really obtuse.”

“Oi,” Louis says, pushing at him. “Watch it.”

Secretly he thinks it might be a bit of both.

Harry goes back to wiping his face, just a few more swipes, and then he says, “All clean,” with a massive smile.

Louis takes the cloth off him and rinses it out again. “Hold still,” he says. “Your face is still a mess.”

Harry closes his eyes and waits for Louis to wipe off the make-up and face paint. Louis has to take a moment just to admire the way he looks with his eyes closed. He can’t help imagining Harry just like this, waiting for Louis to come on his face.

Shit.

He wipes off Harry’s face, quickly and shifting uncomfortably. “I did think you might’ve wanted to fuck me,” Louis says conversationally when he’s almost finished. “Just that you wouldn’t’ve wanted to date me.”

Harry’s eyes have flown open. “Okay, one. I’d rather you fuck me. Not that I’m not versatile. And not that your arse isn’t _sublime_.”

Louis’s mouth drops open. He’s possibly salivating just thinking about it.

“And two. God, of course I want to date you. That’s the thing I want most in the world.”

“Well, to be fair, we basically have been dating for the last month at least,” Louis says. He’s joking, but as he says it he realises it’s kind of true. “And you do seem like the relationship type, once I think about it. I guess I just haven’t really been doing enough thinking.”

Which is becoming more and more apparent. Because really, what was he thinking? The boy who loves cooking for him at every opportunity, who loves cuddling, who took him home to meet his family and shared a bed and made such a big fuss of his birthday – the boy who loves romance films as much as Louis and who unironically adores love songs – did Louis really think that that boy wouldn’t want to be in a relationship?

“I tried really hard, you know,” Harry says. “Like, with making us breakfast every day, and stuff. But it seemed like you weren’t interested.”

“I don’t think I wanted to see it,” Louis says quietly, dropping the wash cloth into the sink. “I had, like, a bad thing. At my old circus.”

Harry looks curious. “D’you wanna tell me?”

Louis shrugs. “There was this guy, Greg,” he says. “We had a friends with benefits thing. I thought that was all it was, but slowly I guess I kinda fell for him. And literally like, the day I realised and was gonna tell him, he tells me that he’s getting back together with his ex-girlfriend.” Louis huffs a laugh. It’s not really painful at all anymore; it just sounds kind of stupid. “I just felt like such an idiot. And it hurt so much. And that was basically the beginning of the end for us at that circus, so in my head it was like, getting involved with your coworker leads to the end of the world. Basically.”

“Oh Lou,” Harry says. “I don’t know why anyone would pass you up, but – if I’m honest, I’m not really sorry he did.”

“Otherwise I wouldn’t be here,” Louis says, catching on to his meaning quickly. “Yeah, I know. It definitely worked out in the long run, I’d take you over him any day.” It’s true, not that there’s anything wrong with Greg, but. Nobody could ever compare to Harry. “Just left me with some scars, I s’pose. Sorta stopped believing I’d have anything good.”

Harry pulls him into a hug. “You have me,” he says. “Always. And I think we’re gonna be really good.”

He’s just _so much_ , Louis can’t take it anymore. If he doesn’t kiss him now, he might actually die.

So he pulls back a bit and fits his lips to Harry’s. It’s open-mouthed from the start, and it seems like just forty-five minutes of making out earlier was enough for Harry to learn what Louis likes, and vice versa, he supposes. They seem to be very compatible, kissing-wise. Louis wonders if every kiss with Harry is going to feel like his best kiss ever.

Harry pulls away for a few moments. “Can we take this somewhere more horizontal?” he asks, because of course he’d phrase it like that. Louis’s in love with such a dork. “You’ve got a couch in the back, yeah?”

Louis nods, and they dart past the bunks and into the back. The space isn’t big, just enough for a couch and a wall-mounted TV, but the couch fits the two of them easily, better than a bunk would. That’s all that matters.

Harry spreads out on the couch and Louis straddles him, dropping his mouth onto Harry’s perfect lips. Harry reaches around and grabs his arse, pulling him closer, and then he doesn’t let go, just kneading Louis’s arse through his flimsy costume.

“D’you know how long I’ve wanted to do this?” Harry says breathlessly.

“You have no idea what you look like in your bloody leotards, do you,” Louis says.

“But your arse,” Harry says, and then Louis decides that’s quite enough talking, he’d really rather be kissing.

Louis breaks away once rutting together just isn’t enough. “What do you want, sweetheart?” he asks, and Harry’s eyes look kind of glazed.

“There’s so much I wanna do,” Harry says, rather wistfully. “Want you to ride my face. Want you to fuck my mouth. Want you to fuck me til I can’t walk. Wanna – ”

Louis laughs, trying not to thrust down. He’s so fucking turned on. “We have so much time, babe,” he says. “What do you wanna do _now_?”

Harry pouts, but it’s thoughtful. “Fuck me?” he asks. “Please?”

“Are you sure?” Louis has to ask, wanting it so badly he feels like he’s suffocating. “I don’t want to rush it – ”

“Lou,” Harry says. “I’ve literally wanted you inside me since we met. Trust me, there’s no way we could be rushing this.”

Louis almost swallows his tongue. “Yeah,” he says. “Okay. I – I’ve got some stuff, but – you’re gonna have to let me go, babe.”

Harry finally lets go of Louis’s arse, his eyes wide like he hadn’t expected he’d ever have to. Louis seriously can’t even laugh at him, he’s pretty sure all his brain cares about right now is his dick.

“Get undressed,” he says as he climbs off Harry and makes his way to the bunks. He’s kept condoms and lube in the small drawer compartment under his bunk since they came here, so they’re not hard to locate. He grabs them quickly and turns just in time to see Harry peeling off his leotard.

It’s one of the sexiest things Louis’s ever seen, and Harry’s not even trying.

He’s got on opaque pink tights and nothing underneath, and he bends over to pull them all off in one fluid motion, revealing miles of pale perfect skin and his cute little bum. Christ. Louis almost drops the lube.

“You are the hottest fucking person in the world,” Louis says as he steps back into the tiny room. Harry turns around, and Louis’s powerless not to look as his cock swings around – and it’s fucking enormous, shit, Louis _knew_ Harry was hung.

“Trust me, you’re much hotter,” Harry says. “I won’t hear any arguments.”

Louis rolls his eyes, because honestly, what does Harry know? Instead of arguing, he drops the lube and condom onto the couch and unzips his costume. It’s basically a onesie, just made of a really thin, slinky material, so it slides off much easier than Harry’s.

Meanwhile Harry’s just staring at him, his eyes basically bugging out of his head and his tongue on the floor. It’s sort of the biggest ego boost ever, and Louis hasn’t even taken his underwear off yet.

Harry’s still gaping while Louis drops his pants, and he’s starting to feel a touch self-conscious, so he shoves Harry down onto the couch and climbs on top of him. They kiss until Louis can feel Harry poking into him, and he’s really powerless to ignore that.

He slides down until he’s kneeling between Harry’s legs. Harry’s looking at him kind of questioningly, and Louis drops his eyes from Harry’s face to his dick.

“Fucking hell, your cock is beautiful,” Louis says. His mouth is literally watering. “Knew it would be.”

“Tha-anks?” Harry says, stuttering halfway because Louis just has to dart his tongue out for a taste.

And then he moans and drops his mouth down, because Harry’s precome is weirdly sweet. He sucks around the tip until he has to pull off to ask, “Why the hell do you taste so good?”

Harry looks a bit overwhelmed and rather shy. “I eat a lot of fruit?” he says, and Louis tips his head, considering. He’s not wrong.

Louis shrugs and ducks back in. Harry’s got so much precome, so much more than Louis usually gets himself. It’s oddly delightful, and very hot.

“Louuuu,” Harry groans after a minute or two of Louis lapping at his cock. “C’mon, you said you’d fuck me.”

Louis takes one last long lick and pulls back. “Demanding little shit, aren’t you?”

“I just don’t want to come,” Harry says, sounding distressed. He’s so cute. Louis kisses his thigh and reaches behind himself for the lube.

He nudges Harry’s legs further apart, and Harry gets the hint and spreads them. His little pink hole is maybe the best thing Louis’s ever seen. He wants to spend hours with his mouth on it.

Louis settles for dripping lube on his fingers and rubbing them around Harry’s rim. Harry makes a choked little whine, and Louis pushes one finger in. He meets basically no resistance, the slide is smooth and when he imagines doing this with his cock instead of his fingers, he has to squeeze his dick a bit with his free hand.

“More,” Harry says. Louis looks up and sees his flushed cheeks, the way he’s clutching at the upholstery. “More, please?”

Louis can’t say no.

“Have you done this a lot?” Louis thinks to ask once he’s got two fingers inside Harry.

“To – myself, yeah, loads,” Harry says, long pauses between his words. “And I had – a, a boyfriend – a while back. He only, fucked me – like three times. And I – only fucked him once.”

“What happened with him?” Louis asks, almost entertained by Harry being so turned on he’s struggling to make sentences.

“He was – in the circus, too. An acrobat. Really – flexible. But he quit. Couldn’t – handle being on the road, anymore. Things sort of – fell apart between us anyway.”

“You know, I did gymnastics half my life,” Louis says, trying not to let his flicker of jealousy show. “I’m pretty flexible.”

“I know you are – oh God,” Harry cries as Louis twists his fingers.

“You do this to yourself?”

“Mmm,” Harry says, his eyes closed and head tipped back. “Love it.”

God, he’s just so fucking hot. Louis drops more lube on his fingers and works a third one in.

“Oh fuck,” Harry groans.

“You’re so gorgeous,” Louis says, his eyes flicking from Harry’s beautiful flushed face, to his own fingers disappearing inside Harry’s body. He doesn’t know which sight he’s talking about.

“I’d think of you,” Harry says suddenly. “When I did this. I’ve always been thinking of you, lately.”

Jesus fucking Christ. Louis truly can’t handle this boy. To take his mind off it, or maybe to reward him, he sinks his mouth back over Harry’s cock.

“Oh, God, oh my God,” Harry babbles. “That feels – incredible, oh my God – ” he cuts himself off with a moan, and Louis takes him in as far as he can.

“Oh fuck,” Harry says. “I’ll come if you don’t stop – I’m ready, Lou, please – ”

Louis will be the judge of that, he thinks, but he does pull off Harry’s cock. He twists his fingers just a bit. “Are you sure?”

“God, Lou, please,” Harry says, squirming and red-faced and clearly desperate. “Please, please fuck me – ”

“Okay, okay,” Louis says, smiling a bit. As if he’s ever gonna say no to that. He pulls his fingers out and Harry whines, but Louis launches forward and kisses him.

Harry kisses back for a moment, open-mouthed and sloppy, before he’s pushing at Louis’s shoulders. “Now now now,” he says.

Louis grins. “Patience is a virtue,” he says.

Harry groans, and Louis loves it, loves that Harry’s too incoherent to even banter with him. It’s beautiful.

Louis takes pity on him and leans back, fumbling for the condom. He rolls it on and slicks up his cock with maybe too much lube. “How d’you want it?”

“Like this,” Harry says, on his back with Louis between his knees. “Wanna see your face. Wanna kiss you.”

“Okay,” Louis says, and then, just to tease them both, he presses forward and snubs his cock against Harry’s rim. Over and over again, until Harry whines.

“Lou, I swear to God,” he says. “If you don’t fuck me – ”

“What are you gonna do, Curly?” Louis smirks, and just as Harry opens his mouth, Louis pushes in.

Harry’s open mouth goes slack, and his eyes flutter shut. “Thank God,” he says, as the head of Louis’s cock pops inside. He doesn’t meet any resistance after that, and slides the rest of the way in.

It’s fucking glorious. It’s better than anything he’s ever imagined, or any sex he’s ever had. It’s really something else, to be so desperately in love with the person he’s joined to, the person he’s fucking inside of. Nothing could ever compare.

Louis thrusts in and out, sort of experimentally, and the wet hot slide of it means so much more when it’s _Harry_ gasping and clutching at his arms.

“Kiss,” Harry says, “Please.”

Louis shifts upwards, folding Harry up a bit, and from then his thrusts are shallow as he and Harry move their mouths together. Sometimes they manage to kiss; sometimes it’s just heavy breathing against one another. It’s perfect either way, and Louis’s sort of wiggling his hips, round and in figure eights, when Harry stiffens and clenches down around him.

“Holy shit,” Harry gasps.

“That it, babe?” Louis says. He doesn’t need to wait for Harry’s nod; now that he’s found his prostate, he sits up a bit to give himself enough leverage to thrust against it.

He can get at Harry’s cock now that he’s not holding himself up as much, and with one hand braced on Harry’s shoulder and the other stroking his dick, Louis drives against Harry’s prostate until the rhythm’s second nature, until he’s lost in it, until –

Harry comes, squeezing so tight around Louis’s cock and looking so absolutely breath-taking, his mouth open and eyes shut. Louis manages to pull out and shove back in one more time before he comes, dropping his head down on Harry’s shoulder and biting him just a bit.

Harry’s still catching his breath when Louis comes out of it. Louis tilts his face so they can kiss, lazily and full of so much feeling, until Louis’s cock starts to feel uncomfortably sensitive.

Harry whines again when he pulls out, and Louis gives him another quick kiss. If he could stay inside Harry for the rest of his life, he would.

“Stay here, babe, I’ll be right back,” Louis says. He gets up on shaky legs and pulls off the condom, then wobbles out to the loo.

He drops the condom in the small bin in there, then uses the already dirty wash cloth in the sink to wipe Harry’s come off his stomach. He rinses the cloth, squeezes the water out, and takes it back to Harry, pulling his Spiderman blanket off his bunk as he passes.

Harry’d managed to come all over his own stomach as well, and a bit on his thighs. Louis wipes him off, muttering, “Jesus Christ, how much come can a person have?”

Harry looks oddly smug in his near catatonic state. Louis rolls his eyes, drops the cloth to the floor and picks up his blanket. He lies down over Harry, pillowed on his chest with their legs tangled together, and he fits the blanket over them.

“Sleepy cuddle time,” he says, and Harry’s arms pull him in as if he agrees.

*

Louis doesn’t know if he falls asleep. He thinks he dozes, but after a little while he feels wide awake. It doesn’t help that they’ve left the small light on.

“Harry,” he says, poking Harry’s side. He doesn’t want to lift his head to see if Harry’s awake. “If you’re up, you should see if you can reach your freakishly long arms to the light switch.”

“Mmmmf,” Harry says. “Not freakish.” He sounds very groggy and incredibly sexy.

“Harry,” Louis says, poking him again.

“Okay,” Harry says, and when Louis looks up, Harry reaches out blindly for the light switch.

“Up a bit more,” Louis directs, and he finds it. The room is suddenly very dark. “Thanks,” Louis says. Harry kisses his hair. “Are you awake?”

“Am now,” Harry says. “Jesus, Lou. That was...”

“I know,” Louis says, looking up at him. Now that his eyes are adjusting, he can make out Harry’s toothy grin.

Louis lies his head back down.

“I have a question,” Louis says. “You, um. You made it sound like you kinda gave up on me, earlier. So why – why the song, tonight?”

“Liam’s fault,” Harry says. His fingers start stroking through Louis’s hair. “He said that basically everyone thought we should be together, but you were convinced that I didn’t want to, and if I did then maybe I should do something about it.”

“Bloody Liam,” Louis says, shaking his head.

“I’m glad he said something,” Harry says. Louis can hear the grin in his voice.

“Me too,” Louis admits.

He settles back into Harry’s chest, and when he opens his eyes again, the trailer is full of a dim purple light.

“It’s not morning,” Harry says. “Well, not proper. I guess it’s dawn.”

“Why are you awake,” Louis grumbles. Why is _he_ awake? Why is anyone ever awake?

“I just woke up,” Harry says, sounding fond, and the entirety of last night hits Louis at once. He props his head up so he can see Harry’s face.

“You love me,” Louis says. Harry smiles serenely.

“I do,” he says. “You love me back.”

Louis can’t help grinning. “I do.”

He shuffles up and kisses Harry, morning breath be damned. It doesn’t taste that bad anyway, he doesn’t think. He doesn’t really know what he tastes like, but Harry just tastes like a more condensed _Harry_. Louis actually kind of loves it. It makes everything feel more real.

Harry pulls away after a few minutes, his hands still running over Louis’s back.

“I have a bit of a secret,” Harry says. “I have to tell you. You know how Cher and I changed our set, like, right after you came here, basically?”

Louis nods. It had been a great source of grief for him, if he remembers correctly.

“Well,” Harry says. “It was basically because of you? Like. You inspired it. Because those songs made me think of you. Well, not Penny Lane, I’ve just always loved that song, but the others did. Especially Here Comes the Sun. Because, I dunno. You’re like the sun, I think. I feel like there wasn’t any light in my life before I met you.”

Louis feels electric. “ _Harry_ ,” is all he can manage.

“I mean, we’d wanted to change our set for ages,” Harry says. He looks pretty bashful, it’s so stupidly cute. “But you were the catalyst. I’d only known you, what, a week? And we’d barely talked. But I just _knew_. I knew we’d be something great.”

Louis makes an odd noise, a cross between a sob and a whimper, and all he can do is pull Harry back in and kiss him.

*

Louis’s been Harry’s boyfriend for five heavenly days when Liam decides to drop a bombshell on him.

They’ve just come down off the ladders after a two hour practice session when Liam says, “You know we’re gonna be in Doncaster next week, yeah?”

Louis’s mouth drops open. “What?!” he cries. If Liam’s playing a trick because he knows Louis’s stopped keeping up with the schedule, Louis will put shampoo in his toothpaste.

Liam rolls his eyes and shows Louis the schedule on his phone. “See? We’ll be there from Tuesday on.”

Right. Fuck. That’s four days away. Maybe Louis should spend less time kissing his new boyfriend and more time on his job.

Yeah, right.

“I already spoke to my mum,” Liam says, because, right. He’s been in contact with his mum for a couple of weeks now. “And she’s spoken to your mum. We’re gonna leave enough tickets at the gate for them and the girls and my dad.”

Louis doesn’t know if having it all arranged already is better or worse than having to do it himself. “All of them?” he says. “All my sisters?”

Liam nods. “Yep,” he says. “They’re all really excited. You might want to talk to your mum, though, I think she’s a bit worried you don’t want them there.”

Louis splutters in indignation. “I didn’t even know about it!”

Liam shrugs. “Now you do,” he says.

Luckily, Harry and Zayn appear in the Big Top, before Louis strangles his partner.

“Thank God,” Louis says to Harry. “We’re going for a walk.”

“Don’t be cross with me Lou,” Liam says as they’re leaving, and Louis stops and sighs. It’s impossible to stay mad at Liam.

“I’m not cross,” Louis says. “I just need to – not be here. We’ll talk later.”

Liam nods, and Louis takes Harry’s hand and walks out.

“What’s wrong?” Harry asks, his eyes wide and worried.

“We’ll be in Doncaster next week,” Louis says.

Harry looks as surprised as Louis feels. “We will?” he says. Good to know Louis’s not the only one who’s been thoroughly distracted.

“Yep,” Louis says. “And Liam’s organised for both our families to come and watch.”

“Oh Lou,” Harry says, pulling him into a hug. Louis’s thankful for it; it’s bloody freezing out here. And Harry’s smell is so comforting – although right now he smells a lot like the elephants.

“It’s not that I don’t want to see them,” Louis says into Harry’s neck. “It’s just, like – sudden?”

“It’s been sprung on you,” Harry says understandingly. He rubs Louis’s back. “What can I do?”

Louis thinks. “Hold my hand while I ring my mum?”

“Yeah, ‘course,” Harry says, squeezing him tighter. “Now?”

“S’pose,” Louis says. “She thinks I don’t want them here, so. The sooner the better.”

“Okay,” Harry says, letting him go and taking his hand again. “I know where we should go.”

Harry leads him to the elephant enclosure, which is now partly indoors. Now that it’s gotten so cold, Simon rents out a sort of temporary stable in every new town they go to. It’s really hammered home just how rich Simon must be.

There’s still an outdoor area if the animals prefer, but there’s also a cozy barn-like area, fairly well insulated and full of hay. And, weirdly, it doesn’t smell terrible at the moment.

“It’s clean,” Harry says, pulling Louis down next to him into a pile of hay. “Zayn and I just came from mucking it out.”

Louis smiles. Zayn does a lot of work with the animals, but it’s always funny to imagine him getting dirty.

Harry grabs his hand and looks at him expectantly. He’s so frigging cute.

Right. Calling Louis’s mum. Yeah.

Louis pulls out his phone and takes a deep breath. Harry kisses his cheek. Louis dials.

“Hi Lou,” his mum says. She sounds so happy to hear from him.

“Hi, Mum,” Louis says, trying to fight back how choked up he feels. “So, um. I only just found out we’ll be in Donny next week.”

“Oh!” his mum says, like she’s pleased to be reminded. “We’ll all be coming on Wednesday night, if that’s alright.”

“Yeah,” Louis manages. He can barely sort through his emotions – there’s a lot of nerves, but mostly he’s just so happy he can hardly breathe. “That’d be ace, Mum.”

“We’re all so excited,” she says. “You should see the girls. Fizz bought these fabric markers, and she and the twins have made shirts with your name on. Your own little fan club, they are.”

Louis makes an odd sound, torn between laughing and crying. “I can’t wait,” he says. “Can’t wait to see you.”

“You either, darling,” his mum says. Louis really, really wants to cry.

Harry’s grip tightens on his hand, and Louis looks at him. He looks so supportive and just, like, his feelings for Louis are all over his face.

“You can meet Harry, too,” Louis says.

“Oh?” his mum says. “Who’s that?”

Harry’s smiling at him and it’s suddenly so easy. “My boyfriend,” Louis says.

His mum doesn’t say anything for a second, and Harry brings his fingers to his mouth and kisses them.

“That’d be lovely,” his mum says. It sounds like she means it. “I can’t wait, Boo.”

Oh, God. His old childhood nickname. It feels like a lifetime since Louis’s heard it.

“I miss you, Mum,” Louis says.

“I miss you too, love,” she says. “Tell me about Harry.”

Harry grins and Louis blushes. “Um,” he says. “He’s almost twenty-one, and he’s from Cheshire, and he has the prettiest curly hair you’ve ever seen. And he’s just the best person in the universe, Mum. You’ll love him.”

“I’m sure I will,” she says, and he can tell she’s smiling. Harry’s definitely smiling, and his eyes look a bit wet.

“He’s here, if you want to talk,” Louis says.

“Yes, please,” his mum says, and Louis grins at a suddenly panicked Harry as he puts his phone on speaker.

“Hi, Mrs Tomlinson,” Harry says. He’s _so cute_.

His mum laughs. “Please, dear, call me Jay,” she says. “I don’t remember the last time I went by Tomlinson.”

“Okay,” Harry says. “Um. It’s so nice to talk to you.”

“You too, love,” his mum says. Louis’s insides are so, so warm. If you’d told him a few months ago he’d be introducing his boyfriend to his mum, he’d’ve laughed in your face. “Now tell me, because I’m sure Lou isn’t being truthful. Is he taking care of himself? Does he eat any fruits or veg at all?”

“Well,” Harry says, clearly fighting a laugh. “I cook for him a lot, so he gets his daily intake.”

“At least he has you to take care of him, then,” his mum says.

“Oi! Betrayal,” Louis cries, and pinches Harry.

They talk to his mum for a good fifteen minutes more, and by the time they hang up, Louis’s actually looking forward to next week.

“It’ll be good, Lou,” Harry says. “I promise. Your family loves you, and I’ll be right there with you the whole time. It’ll be so good.”

And the thing is, Louis believes him.

*

The best possible thing happens when they get to Doncaster: the circus picks up a baby elephant. It’s the perfect thing to take Louis’s mind off his nerves.

Her name is Lucy, because Simon was able to rename her and apparently he’s as big a dork as everyone else here. She was rescued from the circus she was born in, a very traditional one that’s just been shut down for not being up to codes. In particular, their treatment of their animals was not up to humane standards; Lucy’s mother actually died only a month or so ago.

Simon’s warned them all to be very careful with her, because they’re not sure how she’ll react to the new environment. So far only the elephant trainers and riders have been able to see her, but Harry’s spent the day cajoling Simon into letting him and Louis have a visit.

Three hours before the show starts and two hours before Louis will see his family again, Simon finally agrees.

“She’s doing well,” Ed says as he walks with them to the elephant enclosure. “She’s a real trooper. Wish we could’ve taken in all of them from her herd, but Simon says they’re better off with Universal Circus.”

“S’bigger, innit,” Harry says. “And I heard they’ve just got more riders, so.”

“Yeah, it makes sense,” Ed says. “I just don’t like separating her from what she knows.”

“Why did we take her, then?” Louis asks. “Like, why didn’t Universal?”

Ed shrugs. “Dunno really. I think everyone thought she’d get the best care here. We can give her more focus. And she won’t be ridden for ages, obviously, so she’s just going to follow us around the ring and be adorable.”

That’s when they get to the enclosure and see her, and – well, she’s plenty capable of her new position. She is the frigging cutest thing ever. She’s standing with Taylor, happily eating from the bucket she’s holding. The other elephants are with Daisy, Hannah and Stan, preoccupied with their own feeding, but Louis doesn’t think he’s imagining that they seem wary.

“She loves Taylor,” Ed says. “We think the trainers at her old circus might’ve been American.”

“I think she likes me for me,” Taylor says softly, winking at them.

“Either way,” Ed says. “Hasn’t left her side all day.”

“She’s so _cute_ ,” Harry breathes, like he’s been trying to keep it in. “I love her.”

“We’ll be spending all our time here, now,” Louis says. “That’s it.”

“Yep,” Harry agrees.

Lucy has finished eating, and she reaches her trunk out along Taylor’s arm.

“She doesn’t seem traumatised at all,” Louis says. Like, what would he know about it, but – she doesn’t.

“I know,” Ed says. “Obviously we don’t know what their practices were, but we think she might’ve escaped the worst of it, being so young.”

“Still, though,” Harry says. “Being in a new place, and with her mum just dying. Must be a lot, poor thing.”

Monkey must have finished eating, because suddenly she breaks away from Hannah and meanders over to Lucy and Taylor.

“Oh,” Ed says, and Louis thinks literally everyone in the enclosure is holding their breath.

Monkey reaches her trunk out, but doesn’t touch, just stands there like an offering. Slowly, Lucy reaches out her own trunk, and slides it up Monkey’s as though she’s getting a feel for her. Monkey makes a soft noise, and Lucy comes a bit closer. Then Monkey’s running her trunk all over Lucy’s head and back, and Lucy leans into it.

Everyone watching lets out a collective sigh.

“That’s so, so cute,” Harry says.

By the time they leave, Lucy has clearly imprinted on Monkey, but she’s also getting acquainted with Hannah, who she’ll stay with while the show’s on. It’s so lovely to watch.

“She reminds me of Dumbo,” Louis says. “Just as cute.”

“We just need a mouse for her to be friends with,” Harry says, and Louis can’t wipe the smile off his face.

*

He’s still a ball of nerves when it’s time to actually meet his family. Louis, Harry, and Liam wait for them by the ticket office, having decided it was the easiest option. Louis’s bouncing on his toes, squeezing Harry’s hand too tight and trying to remember to breathe.

It all disappears the moment he sees his mum’s face.

Her eyes are wide and teary, but she’s beaming, power-walking towards him with her arms out for a hug. Louis drops Harry’s hand and runs to her.

Once she wraps him up in a hug, it’s like all of the worries in the world are gone. Louis was always so close with his mum, and it’s like no time has passed. She still _smells_ the same.

“Oi, what about me?” someone says, and Louis pulls away from his mum to see – Lottie? God, she looks so different – she looks like her Facebook photo, which Louis had assumed was somewhat photoshopped. But no, she’s – she looks so grown-up, her hair blonder and her skin tanner and her face full of make-up.

“C’mere, then,” Louis says, wrapping her up in a hug and squeezing her annoyingly tight.

“Ugh,” Lottie gasps. “I didn’t miss you at all.”

“Lies,” Louis says, and it’s just – it’s second nature. This is his family.

“Remember me?” Fizzy says, and he breaks away from Lottie to hug her next. Her hair’s brown, and her make-up is minimal, but she still looks so grown up.

“I can’t believe how old you look,” Louis says. “Who said you could grow up, hm?”

Fizzy laughs a bit, and Louis pulls away to look around. Harry’s standing to the side, a smile on his face, and Liam’s crying with his mum. And there are two little blonde girls hiding behind Louis’s mum’s legs.

“This is Harry,” Louis says, pulling Harry forward. He thinks it’s easier to introduce his boyfriend than to figure out if his baby sisters know who he is. “Haz, this is my mum, Lottie, Fizzy, Daisy and Phoebe.”

“Pleasure to meet you all,” Harry says, smiling like the prince he is. “I’m so glad to have you here. You’re going to love the show, Louis is incredible.”

“I’m sure,” his mum says, smiling like she’s already charmed.

“Are you his boyfriend, then?” Fizzy asks, completely tactless.

“Yep,” Harry beams. “One and only.”

“What do you do here?” Lottie asks, and as Harry launches into a long speech about the circus and his role in it, Louis crouches a bit to focus on the twins.

“Hi Daisy, hi Phoebe,” he says, feeling out of his element. They were only about six when he left. They probably don’t even remember him. “I’ll bet all the snow in Arendelle that you don’t remember me.”

His mum had said the twins’ latest obsession was Frozen, and the reference makes them light up.

“That’s a lot of snow,” one of them says quietly to the other. Louis absolutely hates that he’s not sure if he can tell them apart. He used to be the best at that.

“I do remember you,” the other says, staring up at Louis. “You used to walk us home from school. And you would play pirates and dinosaurs with us.”

Louis’s heart twinges and he tries not to wince; she’s talking about the nonsensical game he’d made up to distract the girls while their parents fought.

“That’s right,” he says. “Wow, I guess I owe you a lot of snow!” That coaxes matching grins out of them. “Tell you what, let’s play double or nothing. Do you know how that works?”

They nod in unison. Louis’s just noticed that their both of their shirts say “SISTER OF LOUIS TOMLINSON ON THE FLYING TRAPEZE” in wonky rainbow letters. He starts to feel like he’s regained his footing.

“Okay,” Louis says. “If I can tell you apart, then I don’t owe you two Arendelles worth of snow. Deal?”

“Deal,” the twins say. It’s written all over their faces that they don’t expect him to do it, and he’s not feeling as confident as he used to, but even just talking to them for a few minutes is bringing a lot back.

Louis steeples his fingers in front of his mouth and studies the girls from different angles, over-dramatic and intense. “Hmmmmm,” he says, drawing it out. He’s pretty positive Daisy’s the one with the slightly crooked nose; she broke it when she was four. Louis remembers. “Based on my superior big brother skills, I’m going to say thaaaaaaat... you’re Phoebe, and you’re Daisy.”

The girls clearly weren’t expecting that; their mouths drop open in shock.

“He got it!” Daisy says, then turns to their mum and tugs on her sleeve. “Mum, Mum, did you hear? Louis can tell us apart.”

“Well of course he can, love,” his mum says, winking at Louis. “He’s your brother.”

“So now you don’t owe us anything?” Phoebe says, pouting.

“Tell you what,” Louis says. “How do you two feel about baby elephants?”

“They’re my favourite animal,” Daisy says.

“Are they little?” Phoebe asks.

“For an elephant,” Louis says.

“I like them,” Phoebe decides.

“Well, our circus has just adopted a brand new baby elephant today. If you like, I’ll see if I can take you to visit her after the show.”

The twins squeal about how much they’d love that, and Fizzy and Lottie chime in as well. Harry shoots him a grin.

“I’ll go and talk Simon into it,” Harry says. “Pleasure meeting you in person, Jay. And all of you lovely girls. I’ll see you later.”

Once Harry walks off, Lottie elbows Louis.

“He is _fit_ ,” she says. “Are you sure he’s not with the wrong Tomlinson?”

Louis stares at her in disgust. “Oh God, gross,” he wails. “I will not have you talk about my future husband that way!”

Lottie tells him to settle down and Fizzy says she’s right, though, which sends Louis into hysterics. Meanwhile his mum’s been beaming since the second he said the word ‘husband’. Louis takes it she liked Harry, then.

*

Performing feels better than he ever could have imagined, knowing that his family are in the audience. They’re in the front row, so Louis even spots them at a few points. And then, during the closing number, when they sing With A Little Help From My Friends, Harry holds Louis’s hand and pulls him over to stand right in front of his family.

The girls are all grinning at him, the twins waving excitedly, and his mum’s wiping at her eyes. Liam’s mum’s beside her, in proper tears. Louis squeezes Harry’s hand and can’t wipe the smile off his face.

He finds them by the Big Top entrance afterwards, and leads them to the back of the tent. The twins are babbling about how much they love the animals, and how amazing the lions were, and is there really a baby elephant? Fizzy gushes about how genuinely impressed she is with him and Liam, and Lottie tells him that “the lion tamer is proper fit, what’s with this place? D’you have to be beautiful to get in?”

Louis bursts into laughter at that.

Harry’s waiting for them around the back, with Ed and Taylor. Louis introduces everyone quickly, and then Harry turns to the girls with a big smile.

“So, guess who’s been allowed to get a sneak peek at our newest elephant?” he says. The twins squeal, and Harry crouches down to look them in the eye. “You have to promise to be extraordinarily quiet, though, and not to touch her unless we say it’s okay. She’s still very young, and she’s in a new place. We don’t want to upset her.”

The girls nod seriously.

“Alright, c’mon then,” Ed says. He and Taylor lead the way, while Louis hangs back with his mum and Harry.

“Swear to God, Simon will bend to your every whim, won’t he,” Louis mutters to Harry, who laughs.

“Are you serious? Lou, haven’t you noticed that he mostly only lets me do things when they’re favours for you? He loves _you_ , not me.”

Louis stops short, and Harry yanks him by the hand to get him walking again. “No,” he says. “No way. That’s not true.”

“It took six bleeding months to get him to let me change my set list,” Harry points out. “He agreed to this in minutes.”

What the _fuck_. Is anything Louis believes about the world actually real? “Maybe he loves both of us,” Louis suggests, because he just can’t fathom that Simon isn’t taken with Harry.

Harry shrugs. “Maybe,” he allows. “Maybe he loves that I love you.” And then he grins.

“You two are so cute,” Louis’s mum says, and Louis startles. He’d forgotten she was with them. Oops.

“Thank you,” Harry says, clearly flattered. Louis’s mum laughs.

They reach the elephant enclosure, where Stan and Hannah and the other riders are leading the big elephants into the stables.

“Wow,” Lottie says. “Do you have a big stable like this everywhere you go?”

“Simon rents them out during the winter,” Ed says. “The lions and tigers have their own indoor area, too. Gotta make sure they’re not too cold.”

“Wow,” Lottie says again. “He must be so rich.”

Louis almost laughs again. She’s so like him, it’s amazing that he’d forgotten.

The twins and Fizzy are absolutely besotted with Lucy, though they’re clearly trying to be quiet. Lottie’s more interested in talking with Taylor and Ed, about their performance, sounds like.

Louis stands back with his mum and Harry, mindful of overwhelming Lucy.

“She’s gorgeous,” his mum says softly. “You’re sure this place looks after the animals?”

Harry gives her the spiel, then, all the good Simon does in rescuing and rehabilitating the animals, and the level of care given to them. She seems satisfied by the end of it. Which is when Hannah comes over with a bucket full of grass.

“Do you girls want to feed Lucy?” she asks, and Louis watches his sisters visibly contain their excitement.

His mum takes out her phone and snaps photos of each of the girls feeding Lucy, who enthusiastically takes her grass from whoever’s offering it. She really is a placid little thing.

Daisy’s last, and by then Lucy seems to have had enough to eat. Daisy looks disappointed, but then Lucy raises her trunk out of the bucket and pats Daisy’s arm.

Daisy’s eyes widen and she trembles, clearly trying not to make a noise. Lucy bops the end of her trunk against Daisy’s cheek, and Daisy giggles.

“It’s wet,” she says, then she covers her mouth with the hand not holding the bucket, horrified she’s made a noise.

Louis chuckles.

“It’s okay,” Hannah says. “I think you can touch her too, if you like. Gently, now.”

Daisy takes her hand from her mouth and slowly reaches out. She slides her hand down Lucy’s trunk.

Phoebe tugs on Ed’s shirt. “Can I touch her?”

Ed looks to Hannah, who shrugs. Louis keeps quiet, but he's absolutely in love with his baby sisters being close to such an important part of his life.

“S’pose so,” Ed says. “Go over slowly, though. Just stand next to Daisy and see what Lucy does.”

So Phoebe does, and Lucy studies her for a moment. Daisy drops her hand, and Lucy darts her trunk out and curls it around Phoebe’s waist, pulling her into a weird sort of hug.

Phoebe laughs, and everyone else lets out noises of surprise. It's the cutest bloody thing ever. Hannah steps forward and gently sets Phoebe free.

“Think it’s time to get going, girls,” Louis’s mum says.

“But Mum,” Fizzy starts.

“We can have tea in my trailer,” Louis suggests.

“That sounds lovely,” his mum says. “Say goodbye to Lucy, girls.”

The girls look disappointed, and they wave goodbye sadly as Hannah leads Lucy away. Each of them thank Ed and Taylor, which Louis is mildly impressed by. His sisters have better manners than he did at their ages.

Harry comes with them back to Louis’s trailer. Louis wouldn’t have it any other way. Niall’s there when they get in.

“Liam’s with his family and Aiden’s gallivanting about somewhere,” he says in greeting. Then he spots Louis’s family. “Oh, wow! Hi girls!”

All of his sisters are immediately captivated by Niall. Once everyone’s got a cuppa, the girls go into the back with Niall and Harry to chat about God knows what and laugh absurdly loud. Louis isn’t paying them much mind, because he’s got his mum to himself for the first time in five years. They sit opposite each other at the tiny kitchen table and cradle their teas.

“I’m really proud of you, you know,” his mum says, and Louis instantly wants to cry. Shit. “You were bloody spectacular up on that trapeze. Scared me half to death, but you were brilliant.”

“Thanks, Mum,” Louis says, trying not to get choked up. “That means a lot. I’m glad you’re here.”

“Me too,” she says, her smile warm and loving. “And Harry’s a sweetheart, by the way.”

Louis grins. “I know,” he says. “I, like. I proper love him.”

His mum laughs. “I’m happy for you,” she says. She takes his hand. “Really, Boo Bear. I’m really happy for you. Being here, I think I get it. This life, it makes sense for you. It’s good for you.”

“It’s better here than my last circus,” Louis admits. “It feels like a family here. But, like – I still need you guys. I want both, if that’s okay with you.”

“Of course,” she says. “You’re welcome home whenever you can. Harry too.”

Louis beams. “I love you, Mum.”

His mum laughs. “I love you too, silly boy.”

*

By the next weekend, they’ve left Doncaster, they’re in Huddersfield, and it’s almost Harry’s birthday. On Saturday night, after the show, Simon lets them use the Big Top for a party again. Anne, Gemma and Robin make the drive out to see them and surprise Harry; they say they wouldn’t miss his twenty-first for the world.

Harry and Louis still spend most of the party snogging, but Louis doesn’t think anybody expected anything different.

Niall, Liam and Aiden let them have the trailer again, so after they help Harry’s family set up a tent, Louis lays Harry out on the couch in the back and spends a luxurious two hours taking him apart. They’re not even very drunk, so on Harry’s actual birthday, they’re not really hungover.

Louis gives Harry his present, a necklace with a carousel on it that he’d picked up in Cardiff, and box full of patterned scarves Louis’s been collecting since October. Harry’s favourite is the elephant print one. Louis makes a breakfast of mostly decent bacon and eggs, and then he forces Harry to put some clothes on and drags him out to the Big Top.

It’s in a massive state of disarray after last night, which makes sense; the people who usually clean up are still sleeping off their hangovers. But nobody’s there, and the trapeze and stereo are in tact. And, most importantly, Tom on the crew must have come in earlier and set up the net like Louis asked.

Louis takes Harry’s phone and plugs it in, turning on his Beatles playlist. Then he tells Harry to chalk up his hands.

Harry’s eyes widen. “Really, Lou?” he says, like he doesn’t know whether to be excited or nervous. Ever since they met, Harry’s been battling his discomfort with heights with his desire to learn the trapeze.

“Yep,” Louis says, grinning. “All you’re gonna have to do is kick off the ledge, swing through the air, and then, when you get to the middle, jump and I’ll catch you. It’s a bit advanced but you’ll be fine, you just have to trust me.”

“I do,” Harry says, his cheeks pink with excitement. “I do trust you.”

“Then let’s go,” Louis grins, and they scramble up the ladders.

When Louis gets to the top, he uses his remote to change the song to I Will, that one Harry sang just for him. Harry’s face lights up.

“Okay,” Louis calls out as he gets on the swing, hanging by his knees and gripping the ledge. “Just throw yourself off on three. You can do it! One, two, three!”

Louis pushes off and swings towards the middle, watching Harry do the same. Louis can see his face; he’s only a little bit terrified. Once he’s near enough, Louis stretches out his hands.

“Now, Haz!” he yells, hoping Harry won’t hesitate, that he’ll jump before the pendulum effect takes in.

Harry doesn’t hesitate. He lets go, throwing himself towards Louis, and Louis grabs his hands. They swing towards the ledge and back again, and Louis looks down and sees the beaming face of his baby looking back at him.

“I’m dropping us,” Louis yells just before they get to the middle again, and Harry’s mouth drops open just as Louis lets him go.

Louis launches himself off the trapeze and bounces onto the net a beat after Harry does, managing to land right beside him.

“You didn’t tell me you were gonna do that!” Harry says, but he’s smiling.

“Not much else I could’ve done with you,” Louis points out.

“That was amazing,” Harry says. “Can we do it again, let’s do it again!”

“We can do it all day if you like. I can teach you proper.”

Harry rolls over and kisses him. “I would like,” he says. “I’d like very much. First I’d like to kiss you, though.”

It’s another fifteen minutes before they make it back up the ladders, which they spend lazily making out on the net. Louis’s never used a net for this before, but it’s quite nice, like lying in a big hammock. They should do it more often.

*

It’s Harry’s birthday, but it’s also a show day. Louis’s had this planned for weeks now, talked Simon into it incredibly easily and worked it out with everyone else. Harry thinks they’re doing their scheduled closing number, Baby You’re A Rich Man, so the look on his face is priceless when Louis steps to the front of the group with a microphone.

“We’ve got something special for you tonight,” Louis says. “Because it’s someone very special’s birthday! Harry, come over here, love.”

The audience applauds as Harry comes to Louis’s side. Louis asks the audience to sing happy birthday, which they happily do, the kids voices the loudest, and Harry’s grin is so big it takes up half his face. He looks at Louis with his heart in his eyes, and Louis laughs at him and takes his hand.

When the audience finishes, Louis says, “Just perfect, thank you! As you may have already realised, Harry here is one of our brilliant jugglers. He’s also the most beautiful person I’ve ever known, and he happens to be the love of my life.”

The audience break into titters over that, but Louis mainly hears awws. He thinks he sees Niall pretending to swoon.

“So this song is dedicated to him. It may not seem like the Beatles’ most romantic song, but I think it fits us remarkably well. And I do intend to grow old with him.”

The awws are louder this time, and Harry squeezes his hand. When Louis looks at him, there’s emotion seeping out of his face.

The band start up a plodding tune, not unlike I Will, Louis’s realised, which is fitting. He takes a deep breath and counts himself in, then he faces Harry and sings, “ _[When I get older, losing my hair, many years from now](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eCss0kZXeyE), will you still be sending me a Valentine? Birthday greetings, bottles of wine_ ,” and happy recognition blooms across Harry’s face.

Louis faintly registers the clowns and acrobats acting out the song, completely exaggerated, and the others singing back-up behind him as he continues the song all by himself. He’s not sure if Harry’s appreciating the others, considering that Louis seems to have his full attention. It’s funny, because Louis’s never sung a whole song to a crowd of this size, but with Harry focusing on him, it’s like none of them are there.

Between the lines about knitting and gardening and grandchildren, Harry’s smile grows and grows until he’s actually nodding along like this is everything he wants. Louis can’t stop smiling either.

“ _Will you still need me, will you still feed me, when I’m sixty-four_?” Louis finishes, and Harry pulls him into a fierce hug instantly.

“I will,” Harry says into his ear, above the dull roar of the audience, and then he kisses Louis right there on stage.

As though to keep it PG, Niall and the band immediately launch into Birthday, the extra final number they’d planned so that everyone could sing. Harry breaks apart from Louis, but he keeps an arm tight around him as their friends sing.

After the final “ _they say it’s your birthday, happy birthday to you_ ,” Jade and Perrie start up a round of the All You Need Is Love chorus, and they all descend upon Louis and Harry in a group hug.

The audience is deafening as they leave the ring.

“I can’t believe you did that,” Harry says breathlessly. “You sounded so so good, Lou.”

“Figured serenading you would be the best present,” he jokes weakly.

“ _You’re_ my best present,” Harry says, so heartfelt and serious that Louis laughs.

“C’mon, we’ve got my trailer to ourselves again,” he says, pulling Harry out of the Big Top. “You can unwrap me there.”

Harry groans, dragging them to a stop and kissing Louis hard. “You can’t say dorky sexy stuff,” he says, petulant and pouty. “It’s unfair.”

Louis kisses his stupid mouth. “C’mon, sunshine. I’ll make it up to you.”

That gets Harry moving again.

“I’ve got another surprise for you,” Louis says, once they’re almost to the trailer. “Well, more like a question.”

Harry gasps theatrically. “Is this a proposal?”

Louis laughs. “Trust me, sweetheart, when I propose it’ll be much grander than this.”

Harry clearly can’t contain his beam.

“No, it’s just. Liam and I were talking about it, and, well, if you like – how would you feel about switching trailers with Liam?”

Harry breathes in sharply, close to an actual gasp, and bounces on his toes. “Move in with you? Really?”

Louis smiles and shrugs, all of his odd and unnecessary nerves dissipating. “Figured it’d make things easier.”

“Hmmm,” Harry says, pretending to think about it. “Niall will eat all my food. Don’t know if being closer to the love of my life is really worth that.”

“Harold,” Louis says, rolling his eyes.

“ _Obviously_ I want to live with you,” Harry says, throwing his arms around him. “I think we should petition Simon to buy us a two-person trailer.”

Louis huffs a laugh. “Much as he loves us, I think we’ll have to get married before he’ll do that.”

“Well, someday, then,” Harry says. “Til then, this is perfect.”

“And you’re sure you won’t get sick of me?” Louis teases.

“I told you months ago,” Harry says. “I’m never getting sick of you. Never ever ever.”

***

**Author's Note:**

> thank you so much for the kudos/comments! i'm awful at replying esp with everything going on atm, but i super appreciate it <3 also the tumblr post is [here](http://nobodymoves.tumblr.com/post/114385254498/here-comes-the-sun-little-darling) if you'd like to reblog or whatever :))))


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